Abuse Swept Under A Rug

                 One night when I was 10 years old was watching America's Most wanted. Little girl being sexually abused by her mothers boyfriend.          Thus a flood of memories came flooding in. I realized that I had been sexually molested by my cousin who is 16 years older than me. Think I was three or four when it happened. What I remember my Aunt took care of me at her house while my Parents were working. When cousin come home then Aunt would go change for work always go to her room. That's when it would happen we were alone as I'm  saying this feels like a memory of a memory now. First years I remembered very vivid. I felt ashamed, guilty, dirty, and somehow I thought it was my fault. For not remembering especially would think Oh my god so many years have passed why didn't I remember sooner. Another thing that happened to me made me think it was to late. My babysitter older lady  would hit me. So I told my Parents one day at the dinner table and broke down crying, did not act on it year or so passed. That part of my childhood doesn't hurt so much because I don't remember it did lead to my decision stay quiet about Cousins abuse. Not really understand until I was 11 years old would cry myself to sleep. Never really did great at school average student all through High school. Always had friends mostly girls till this day. Got this summer Internship through a program empowered young girls I was 17 before Senior year. People at law-firm made me feel like I could do anything. Essay about what we wanted to do with my life, when I decided tell one of attorneys was working on essay with me. So that day I did, no idea where courage came from I had been silent for 7 years. After I told the attorney went police station told me what happened to me they gave me a detective card, have talk to them. Attorney gave me a choice go to other station or to my family. Went to my family I told my Dad, Mother,  and Uncle result devastated me and tore me up completely. Father was angry everyone asked me why I didn't say anything. Felt like I did something terribly wrong, my fault. Family did not want to say anything, Father decision for fear if tried anything they would call immigration on him and have him deported. Slowly stopped talking about it and I did not udder a word till April 2010. First year of Community College my Father left for family emergency to Mexico Christmas Eve 2009. After he left could not contain my symptoms became worse chest pain, anxiety, depression, flashbacks and thoughts of suicide. Decided go to therapy though community college total 4 sessions did help, more writing down every thought no matter how dark. Now been therapy for about 5 months still have my days. Mother and Sister understand me a bit more it was really hard to make them understand me, I'm not well,and I need help. I trust very few people, never had a relationship no boyfriend. School is hard at times I don't feel like doing anything, scared to really try and fail. Decided I want to do is tell my whole family at least they know so they know someone like them has been abused too their not alone. Going to be as hard as hell, I have to admit I'm afraid how they will react. Only see Cousin on Christmas I have not forgiven him. Not have had thoughts of suicide I know a lot to look forward to. There is light at end of tunnel one day I'll see it with all its glory. I'm still in the beginning.
Dolphin49 Dolphin49
18-21, F
2 Responses May 5, 2012

you were really brave to tell your parents and to go to therapy. despite all the pain you feel inside, there is also a fire to survuve in you and that will keep you going. I never told my parents, never officially went to therapy, I guess I am just scared that once I do it will then all be real, for now I can still hide behind the lies, lies are all I really have.<br />
similar to you, I was watching this reality show and one of the girls broke down and started crying, saying she was sexualy abused, when that happened I felt this pain, I got up ad went to the shower, as I was showering I began to wonder where the route of my pain came from, then there it was, his face. flashing in my mind, his eyes. I felt this rush of fear, run out of the shower, I didnt want to be alone, I went back downstairs to where my family was sitting, laid down on the couch behind them all, watched them smile and laugh, and thats when I realised I could not tell them. I wrapped myself in the blanket and began to cry, the shame, the guilt, the sadness, all rushing in. After that it took me 3 years to tell someone.<br />
its funny when you read a story, just like yours, and feel its your own, with some numbers changed and a few alterations, when all along you thought it was just you, or you where bad or stupid for what happened, or a coward, but you are not alone, nor a coward or stupid. <br />
I pray you forgive him, I always thought I owed it to myself to hate him, once I forgave him, I felt this rush of power, he did not control me. I forgave him when I realised that no one was perfect, I was writing him yet another hate letter and wrote " I hope you suffered as a child, I hope yo suffer." I realised then that it was probably all true. I then pictured him as a child, playing in the garden, I wondered where he grew up, how he grew up, where his mother was. What happened to mae him this way; the monster in my dream. I realised I could not answer these questions, I could not understand, and therefore I coud not judge cause I just simply did not know. this will never justify their actions, never make it okey. the world can sometime be cruel and can shape a monster. I pray for him too.<br />
good luck with everything and also thak you for your comment on my story. moments like those make me feel connected again.<br />
p.s sorry my comment was so long :)

I was angry at my mamma for sweeping my abuse under the rug as well. I was molested when I was 9 years old. Years later when I was 15, I finally told her. She acted like I never said anything. Months later, my molester called on the phone to say hello and she had the nerve to give me the phone for me to say hello to him...