When Will I Figure It Out?

i think i was sexually abused as a young child by a neighbor. when i sought counseling fifteen years ago (because i was pregnant and my partner of 10 years left me) my therapist told me i fit the profile of a sexually abused child. i told her she was crazy that never happened to me and then lo and behold i stared having flashbacks 5 years later. my alleged abuser (because im still not sure) was a popular football player at the time and when i tried talking to my only sister about it she blew me off and looked at me like i was crazy. i have taken quizzes and i fit all the protocol of a sexually abused person. i am now 53 and my visual flashbacks are starting to be accompanied by smells and sounds like hearing my dad call out to this man to tell him we had a downstairs bathroom and why was he upstairs? i can hear him saying SHHHH! and i can picture his face saying it. i have a mess of a life, i drink too much, i rage when i do and although i have a well rounded daughter i have raised single handedly, she is now seeing that i am abusing myself. this has got to stop and i know i need help but i am so scared to dive into this. i cry as i write this and my heart is so heavy. remember that sickening feeling you got in school if you didn't study or your work wasn't done and you were going to be found out and fail? well thats my stomach every time i delve into this. please someone help me . i just cant live like this anymore.

when i start remembering my heart starts beatin faster i feel sick like
daf1959 daf1959
1 Response May 14, 2012

My heart goes out to you. I too show all the signs of being abused as a child but I don't remember. I have vague flashbacks that are so revolting they make me double over in sickness. I've been told by some healers that I don't have to remember to be healed that I can change the beliefs that were formed without remembering the specific events only feeling the emotions. The emotions are so overwhelming they consume me.
It is so hard to function and raise my children while feeling these things that I think I should just bury it until they are grown and gone. But at the same time I feel like I finally have some answers as to why I was so different from all the other kids growing up. Why I was so distant and let things happen to me.
Be strong. Get help. Talk to a counselor or a healer. They can do wonders.