My Uncle Was My Tormentor...

I was physically abused and sexually abused by two different men. My father was the physical abuser and my uncle was the one who sexually abused me. This is so hard...but I know to heal I must do this. I was 5 or 6 when it started and it stopped when I was 13. My Mom left me with her sister as she was a single parent. Her husband was my tormentor. I can’t find the words to write more. I buried it so deep inside that I made myself so hard that I would let no one in. I chose to bury it so deep to the extent of forgetting, I didn't know what was happening and didn't understand it either. Parents are supposed to protect their children not leave them to the wolves. My aunt raised me like her own and once I hit puberty, she never left me alone with any male cousin or uncle. And that is when it stopped. It happened so often that to me it became a normal thing. I can't tell you of any one time that was dreadful to me, because I knew exactly what was going to happen. I don’t even remember the first time. I remember him coming into my room at night while I slept and I would pretend to stay asleep thinking he would go away. But it didn't stop. It just got worse and worse and more and more as time went on. Every time I was left in his care it happened, day or night, sometimes for days on end. Having grown up in a strict religious home, I was taught that privates are something we never speak of and it was also a very androcentric household and so I stayed quiet thinking I would be blamed for it and be called a liar. I tried telling my mom on one of her visits and she told me that I was a liar and to never speak of it again and it would be shameful and no one would love me. I grew up a destructive teenager and went to youth counselling for anger management but never spoke of this. I became so hard and have a horrid need to be in power because it is the only way I feel safe. I sometimes wish I had not let the cat out of the bag because I find myself in tears every time I think of it and I can’t stop thinking of what I went thru and all those feelings of shame and sadness come back. I decided it was time to say something because I am a student of Special Care Counselling and I have realized I must help myself before I am to help others and I have a beautiful amazing person in my life and I feel before we go any further he must know. My tears don’t stop and it’s liberating in a way and yet I feel wrong and shameful.
Etoshiah Etoshiah
26-30, F
May 19, 2012