Abused By My Father

I apologize for this as it is quite graphic, I am new here and don't know if this is allowed.
When I was 13 (2004) I was first sexually abused by my father, my mum was upstairs sleeping and we were watching a movie, that night we kissed and had oral sex, I believe that he cam in front of me that night. After the movie was done I went upstairs and went to sleep. He then apologized the next day and said that it was wrong, for me not to tell anyone and that our "tickle fights" had to stop as that was foreplay.
The abuse continued off and on for three years (decreasing with time) until shortly after my mum (rest her soul) died.
I remember feeling like if dad wasn't happy it was my job to make him. I would try and get away sometimes but he would hold my genitals against him so as I was trying to get away I was getting off. I remember him telling me that "that was an ******".... I didn't like the feeling and now believe that's why I have issues with my current BF (a wonderful man who I love dearly with all my heart and we have been together for 3 years, living together for ~2ish of them).
Anywho, it only happened twice after my mum died, one time I woke up after and went into the bathroom and saw a condom (used) laying on the sink- we had not had sex that night - I have never had sex with that monster. I feel like before we had starter that was his intention and 'wanted to be prepared'
a second time the same thing happened but the condom was in the toilet.
Sorry for jumping around my mind does not keep this sort of thing in order.
I remember one day he climbed into my bed with me and we did everything but sex (oral included).
I knew that this was wrong a few months after this all started as my 'bf' (boy in my class who wanted me for my body (kissing, ********, boobs what every 13yr old boy wants)- and we kept a secret- not an issue then and still is not- was silly kids stuff) asked me if I was "practicing" as I was getting better at oral and pleasuring him. that was the first time I felt dirty and ashamed.
I remember touching my dad's testicles and penis saying that I could make him hurt- i wanted power i think, but i was scared and it ended up with him enjoying it.
He would ********** in front of me if I didn't help him.

What I want to know and I hope to get out of this is what to do now, my BF knows and has no idea why I am still in contact with my dad. I feel as my mum is dead he's all I have left and he is still my dad after all.
Does anyone know of any books to help me or what my relationship should be with him? I now currently live 9 hrs away and see him only 2 times a year, I went away to university to get away from him.

Should I tell my family, should I cut off contact with him, I worry about if I ever have children and I have a little cousin who I worry for - if he ever touches her I will press charges and do everything in my power to see him rot in hell!

Thank you for reading this, This is the first time I have ever told my full story.
drf6613 drf6613
22-25, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

What your father has done is unacceptable. What my dad has done to me is nothing compared to this. I would recommend meditating, sleeping atleast 8 hours a day, get a breath of fresh air in the morning, and visit your local library on leaving the past behind.

hi there my names mogsta........you are so f****n brave for telling your story....hell i only had 1 incident at age 11 yrs but i KNOW now at age 35 that i lost my self belief from that, as i could have screamed but i didn't or couldn't.................my life has changed accordingly but we have to carry on. YOU make the decisions to see him again if ever!!!!!
That kind of s**t can play with your mind, but just make sure in relationships you ensure you are treated with respect and your man WANTS to hear what you are thinking, to understand you more.....If angry let it out in sport and get busy with friends who are close to feel esteemed and supported......focus on your current positives in life and follow your passions....YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo Mogsta