The Story Of A Little Girl

This is the story about a little girl who grew up craving love and affection and did not ever really find it. She was the third born of six children.
My mother had an unhappy marraige which had been forced on her by her parents, this marraige completely dissolved when I was about three. I am the youngest of that family.

My father, although a nice person was not a good provider for us, being more content to give his money to anyone who appeared more needy. Instead of buying groceries, he would give his money away, buy a stereo system or something fancy. My mother grew tired of never having money to feed us hungry kids. She soon met another man who was happy to accomodate her and provide food for the table. She fell pregnant to this man and a son was born (my younger brother). Unfortunately he was married man and a friend of the family, a relationship between them was impossible.

I was almost 5 and she had just had my brother when HE ( the perpertrator) came into our lives. I don't know if she sold her body for money to provide for us. HE was a handsome man but its funny how children sense things and even as a little girl I didnt trust him and would not sit on his knee or participate in games with him. I was a shy child anyway and became more shy and withdrawn once he entered our lives. HE became a regular visitor to our house along with another man with reddish hair. I think the other man was my mothers boyfriend, but I was too young to know about relationships. I do remember that they both came on motor bikes. They used to take us on outings to places.

My first memory of the sexual abuse begins at about this age of 5. I was at my Grandma's place. I am on a big brick fence which surrounded my grandma's house, its quite high and I know I didnt climb up on to it by myself. HE told me to jump into his arms off of it, as I could not get down from that height.

The innocence of my childhood was destroyed that day, as I jumped HE caught me with his big fat fingers catching me between my legs and squeezing and hurting me in the area that I knew was wrong for him to touch.

So began a series of abuse which continued throughout my whole childhood. I learnt to fear this man, whenever HE came near me unpleasant things happened and I would be so frightened at times I would wet myself.

I don't know what happened to the other man with the red hair but HE the perpertrator became a regular visitor.

He was invited then into our family by my mother and became my stepfather. I don't quite remember when it happened, I just remember my mother telling us that we should call this man "Dad" and my own father was to be known as "Pop" on the occasions when Dad visited us, which wasn't very often. We moved into this mans home. My mother was pregnant with my sister but we do not believe HE is her father as she resembles the other man, his friend. I believe HE offered to take care of us. Apparently its common that pedophiles seek out women with young children. I also don't think my mother knew this about him but was desperate to have someone look after and provide for her and her family.
HE must have been happy with four, and another on the way, young children to be able to molest and abuse.

The intimate touchings, the watching of us get undressed and the exposing of his erectile genitals to us was of a daily, continuous and regular occurrence.

He would sit in a chair so we could see his erection hanging out the side of his shorts, he never wore underpants. He would touch me regularly down there, mostly in the darkness of night. We never had electricity it was candles and lamps then. One of my most painful memories is I remember being locked in a cupboard with him leaning against the door telling me he would let me out if I didn't tell anyone about what happened. I was scared of the dark and I was screaming' I remember that very vividly and how scared I was.

To this day I still have nightmares about things which have traumatised me for life.

On one occasion I had a pillow held over my face till I could not breathe. I don't remember why. He would repeatedly tell me that my mother would not love me anymore if I told her what happened as he would say I had been the naughty girl.

Throughout this I remember wondering where my mother was while these things were going on?? I still do to this day.

Somethings I can not remember, I dont know if I have blocked them out because they are too traumatic too remember. I can't actually remember being raped but my older sister says she was, so why would I have been saved that same fate? My younger sister says the same and that he actually exposed himself  told her to suck his genitals in front of another young members of the family. We were at my sisters wedding reception  at the time and the little ones were outside playing on the swing.

I know when I was about nine, something bad must have happened to me because I would not go near him, I would delibrately walk the long way round
him to get to where I was going. At bedtime I would avoid going near him to kiss or hug him. He told my mother that I was not giving him hugs or kisses
and she stopped giving me hugs or kisses until I kissed/hugged him goodnight first. I cried myself to sleep everynight for about two weeks because she
wouldnt show me any love or affection. In the end I could not stand it anymore and he won. I reluctantly kissed him goodnight to get my mothers love once more.
I wondered what sort of hold he had over her that would allow abuse of her children to happen. They had another daughter  together and she denies being sexually abused.

My older sister was sent away to live with my Auntie when she was 15 I know it was from the sexual abuse but it was never said (and to the day she died my mother denied any knowledge of this.) H...... had taken alot of his abuse probably more than me and shielded me to a certain extent but then with her gone, I was the next in line.

It was constant abuse when taking a shower or undressing he would peep through the curtains and watch me and my younger siblings undress, if we bathed together for protectection he would say we were looking at each others genitals or playing with each other. I do beleive my mother had become aware of what was happening, and had put heavy blinds up on the bathroom and would come in and make sure we hurried up and were not undressed for too long.

My mother began dressing me in baggy unattractive clothes so as not to show that I was beginning to develop breasts to no avail. He began what was called a playful game of pinching me so hard on the breasts that I cried from the pain.

Was it not enough that I got this from my stepfather but my older brother also joined in the game, I guess he watched and learnt he was no longer living at home but worked for my Uncle and Auntie. I was allowed to go cut apricots in the school holidays to earn money which they would take off me. My brother was 16 by this time I was 12. He took me on his bike it was about a 3 hour ride. He stopped the bike alongside the road and spread a blanket and tried to have sex with me. I was so upset and crying but once again I was threatened not to say anything. I trusted my brother he was always there for me and now he turned into the enemy I could no longer rely on him for support.

I never had many friends I have several memories involving them which I rarely took home to the house for fear they would discover my secret and tell people at school and I would be an outcast with no friends at all. One was a girl who lived down the road, she came up to my house for my 14th birthday and I said I would walk her the 1/2 km home in the dark even though I was scared I did this. On the way home I heard crunching feet on the gravel and I began to run.

The footsteps began to run with me, my heart was beating so fast and I was terrified I had tears streaming down my face. I ran into our house, screaming. He ( my stepfather) came in laughing on my heels and thought that it was the biggest joke ever. I had again nearly almost wet myself with the fear that I had experienced and I have always wondered what he had planned to do if he caught me?

One time, I got brave enough to ask a girlfriend to stay, the house we lived in then had big built in verandas all around it. I slept in the sleepout. Pauline and I were getting ready to go out and had showered and we were getting dressed when I heard to floor boards creaking outside the area where we were. It only had a curtain as a door covering. I was mortified as I knew what the sound was and had to tell my friend to dress quickly as I crept out to find him hiding behind the door to the bathroom in the darkened room.
Yes he had been watching us get dressed and had an erection. I lost my friend when she went home and told her parents and she never spoke to me again. I am sure she told the kids at school because I was shunned by them, a note was left in my pencil case to please not hang around with them anymore.

It all ended when one night when I wanted to go to the Crashem cars . I had met a boy at school who asked me to go. He, my stepfather said he would take me, I knew there had to be a reason. I met Danny my friend at the races and each time I turned around my stepfather was following me. On the way home in the car he told me he saw this boy kiss me and if I did certain things to him he would not tell my mother as I was not allowed to date. I stood up to him for the first time in my life and told him I didnt care and that he should go right ahead and tell her. It was then for the first time I realised that I held the upper hand.

We had an argument several months later where I was punched and slapped by him and told that he was going to report me as a delinquent & uncontrollable child to the police.

I looked right at him and said come on lets go, I think I have a few interesting stories of my own to tell them as well. He became very pale and my mother passed out and Of course we did not go and because I loved my Mother I let it go.

I moved away from home as soon as I could and started a life of my own nursing.
On all of these occasions and over the years I had told my mother of things that happened to me and my sisters did too. She said she didnt believe us even though I know by her actions she must have. It was only in later years I found out my brothers were also abused by him sexually.

As I grew older I asked my mother why she never did anything to stop it, her answer was that she should have put us all in foster homes if she knew we were so unhappy in our childhood. But she had chosen to keep us together. She never ever admitted she knew of the abuse.

I have always had a problem in my relationships of not feeling loved, not being good enough , not protected, this I believe stems from the abuse that happened to me on a daily occurrence as a child.

I thought a parents job was to protect and to keep you safe like a mother lion but of all the people I had trusted in my early life they had betrayed me, along with my siblings.

I think back on my childhood and envy others who were able to grow up in a safe loving environment and knew the love of both parents.

Yes I am insecure, yes I have trust issues and if your a man and you say you love me I probably wont believe you until you prove it in some way to me.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 10, 2013