The Love Of A Father

When I was 10 or 11 can't really remember what age or maybe I don't wanna force myself to remember, but around that age I was sexually abuse. I dont remember the first day it started, but I guess after I started to develop and become more a women. I always thought that out of all people he was suppose to protect me since I was his child. I was very innocent didn't really understand that what he was doing was wrong. My biological father sexually abused me and now that im 20 I finally told my mother. They are getting divorce now and she hates him.
All i can remember is a couple of times that he did that. Like one day when my mom was working he called me to their room ,he said he had something to give me so i went. Then he put me against the wall and told me that it was alright, he stated by only touching my breast,then a couple of days later by sucking them.until one day he touch me, he didn't even care if i was menstruating he didn't care that I was his daughter.
. He manipulated me by telling me that I couldn't say nothing when I understood this was wrong. He use to say that I couldn't say nothing because I didn't want my mother to get sick again and suffer memory lost, or that I didn't want my brothers to be raise without a father, that I couldn't say nothing not even after he die.
. When I finally chose to tell someone I told his younger sister and her responds was that I was lying that she couldn't believe that her brother would do such a thing. Because of her and not believing me I though that if I told someone else they wouldn't believe me either so I kept it as a secret suffering every night.
I remember another incident when I was sleeping in a full bed with my sister , I was sleeping on the side against the wall thinking he wasn't able to touch me. Then all I feel is his hand touching my vagina and him saying not to move or scream cuz I was going to wake up my sister I was terrified couldn't sleep at nights at all. Sometimes when he trick me in going inside him room I scream for my sister to come and help me she was only 6 and when she came to the room he sat on the bed like nothing ever happen, after a while my sister was annoyed and didn't help me no more.
. He stop sexually abusing me around when i was 14 because i had a boyfriend and i always told him to come to my house. I kept this a secret for 10years. On September 2012 i finally had enough and told my mother. She cried and was in shocked. I felt like I had lifted 50 pounds of my chest. I never felt so relief in my life. I use to cry and believe that I was adoptive , and I was full of anger, I hated him to death. As the time pass by I no longer feel hate towards him. I dont really have a father figure, i say my father is dead because to me my father was my grandfather from my mom side and he pass away. I dont understand to this day why out of all people him. Why the man that is suppose to protect me, love me, care for me, show me what a gentlemen is, be a father, sexually abuse me. I haven't forgive him yet only time will tell.
Now im focus on my one year old daughter and in college. I dont know how i have lived all these years with these memories in the back of my head. Some days i feel depressed and disgusted. Some days i feel like if it wasn't for my daughter i wouldn't be here. There's always a limit for everything, and i share my story because it's an example that the person you least expected can be your predator. Be careful no matter how old you are and with your children or younger brothers, cousins but protect them. And a child never lies or make something up like being sexually abused. I have no contact with him or his family. I share my story to help others, i dont know where i found strength to keep on going for so many years. All i know is that if sharing this can help some one realize that this is wrong that it's never to late to tell someone please do so no matter the outcomes. May everyone take what happen to us as something negative with a glorious ending , that is the power to share our experience and help others or prevent something horrible happening to a child. I no longer feel ashamed of myself im not as confident as everyone else. And i have trusting issues with men but im trying to be a role model for my daughter and an example for everyone else. One day i will say i am a sexually abuse victim , i have survive the aftermath,it has been hard but hey look at me now im a medical assistant with a beautiful daughter and a example for others.
June06 June06
18-21, F
Jan 19, 2013