I Was Sexually Abused As a Child
When I was 4, my mom and my aunt loaded my cousin(whom I looked up to and thought was so special), my younger sister and myself in the car to go to the beach.
I was drawing on a magna-doodle when a huge shadow swallowed the car, we had just entered a parking garage in the city. This clearly was not the beach. I started asking questions about "where we were", "what's going on?". My mom just assured us all we were making a quick stop.
All five of us filed in, this hospital was huge, it even had an indoor playground!
We were all brought into a private waiting room with one door, only my mom and I went through the door. I didn't know what was happening, "why am I here!?! I'm so confused. I thought we were going to the beach." I thought all of this to myself. I don't remember getting undressed. I do remember the two female doctors holding my legs down as a screamed and tried to get away while my mom watched me have, what I know now is, a rape kit. I've never been so humiliated. My mom saw my privates in the most humiliating way, what was happening to me, why were they doing this. No one told me anything. I'm not safe. Why isn't my mom helping me. My cool cousin must think I'm so little. I can't pretend to be cool to her ever again. She knows I'm not.
So after I got dressed, I ran. I ran as fast as I could, hiding around the corners, being quiet so they couldn't find me. I made it to the playground and I climbed the stairs and his behind the corner of where the slide started at the top. I started to laugh a little, or remembering in my head that I wanted to. Because I escaped what I turned into a game. And I saved myself.
My mom made it to the playground with tears in her eyes, she was panicked to find me. I wasn't going to come down, I was going to stay right where I was... So she climbed the yellow slide to get me.
We never really talked about what happened in detail, and this was the first time I ever created a mind game that saved me. I've built 20+ years of mind games that gave me control, tortured me bc I thought I was weird for thinking the way I did and building what I know now are defense mechanisms to keep myself safe. At 27, I want to start living my life. I want to feel happiness and anger. And I want to feel like I'm cool enough and not unhealthily compare myself to other women. I want to view sex as a good and enjoyable experience. I want to accept myself and not fear myself. I want to love me.
I was drawing on a magna-doodle when a huge shadow swallowed the car, we had just entered a parking garage in the city. This clearly was not the beach. I started asking questions about "where we were", "what's going on?". My mom just assured us all we were making a quick stop.
All five of us filed in, this hospital was huge, it even had an indoor playground!
We were all brought into a private waiting room with one door, only my mom and I went through the door. I didn't know what was happening, "why am I here!?! I'm so confused. I thought we were going to the beach." I thought all of this to myself. I don't remember getting undressed. I do remember the two female doctors holding my legs down as a screamed and tried to get away while my mom watched me have, what I know now is, a rape kit. I've never been so humiliated. My mom saw my privates in the most humiliating way, what was happening to me, why were they doing this. No one told me anything. I'm not safe. Why isn't my mom helping me. My cool cousin must think I'm so little. I can't pretend to be cool to her ever again. She knows I'm not.
So after I got dressed, I ran. I ran as fast as I could, hiding around the corners, being quiet so they couldn't find me. I made it to the playground and I climbed the stairs and his behind the corner of where the slide started at the top. I started to laugh a little, or remembering in my head that I wanted to. Because I escaped what I turned into a game. And I saved myself.
My mom made it to the playground with tears in her eyes, she was panicked to find me. I wasn't going to come down, I was going to stay right where I was... So she climbed the yellow slide to get me.
We never really talked about what happened in detail, and this was the first time I ever created a mind game that saved me. I've built 20+ years of mind games that gave me control, tortured me bc I thought I was weird for thinking the way I did and building what I know now are defense mechanisms to keep myself safe. At 27, I want to start living my life. I want to feel happiness and anger. And I want to feel like I'm cool enough and not unhealthily compare myself to other women. I want to view sex as a good and enjoyable experience. I want to accept myself and not fear myself. I want to love me.
By:
An EP User
