When I Was 7..i Died

This is really hard for me but I'm going to try..When i was 7 years old my mom was  a single mom and was working 2 jobs just to make ends meat. I would stay home with her so called step-brother and his wife at night, they lived with us after my father went to jail. I can't go into detail yet but he terrorized me for about two months and the little amazing happy girl who moved into that nightmare house died there and The beautifully broken me emerged and grew up with this horrible secret. I often wonder what my life would've been like if this had never happened. I'm 24 now and a day doesn't go by that I don't think about it. I tried to go to therapy but I wasn't ready to talk about it and my family is no help. I find that it makes people very uncomfortable so they either make jokes about it or just ignore it. As you can tell it's still hard for me to talk about it but I'm really trying to learn to deal with it and try to maybe except it or something..I'm not sure. I have a little girl and well I need some help..I have to raise her and I have to let this go somehow.

ShayLuv ShayLuv
22-25
16 Responses Mar 26, 2009

hey, listen. i was sexually abused, too, okay? just know this, i dealt with it by accepting it. if you think about it every day, it is'nt going to help. move on. you can chat with me if you want. i got oer it without therapy, i just had some help from my friend. okay? you can talk to some one like you, over here. but, just move on and be happy. you'll be fine. don't shut it out, accept it. i did and it helped a lot, because now i have a boyfriend and everything. okay? it'll be fine. i know that all girls are strong and just the fact that you are talking about it, is amazing and shows how stong you are. btw, i'm annie. and your's AMAZING!

Just know your not alone. You're never alone. Not now, not ever. You're struggle is the same one that we all have that have gone through this. It's been years since it's happened to me and I'm still dealing with it day by day. But we all need to remember, we're never alone.

You are loved by an Almighty God,
Nellie

you need all the help you can get. but the first step is to let people in: you don't have to sentence yourself to the life of an introvert for a crime you didn't commit.

I cn understand dat d sweet little girl in u died..but answer me a question r these moments going to *** back in ur life the time u r spending cursing urlife wont *** back ever..
U hv to stand up n raise ur child..just think abt it y r u doing ths to urself..dont spoil ur life..c watever has happend u r not responsible for it..it was not ur mistake so y r u killing urself every single day..plz stand up for ur kids atleast..n live a happy life na..

I know how you feel, I too died at the age of 5. I feel like the real death may be better then feeling this pain. It affects my adult life like I could never imagine. You are not alone.

It seems like an impossible thing to deal with. I had to learn to forgive myself, first. Evan though it was not my fault I blamed myself. Then I had to learn to forgive him. I had to tell say to myself, "I forgive him" everyday for a long time before I felt it in my heart and was freed from the bondage of hate. I had to draw my strength from God, otherwise I would not have been able to do it. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

many of us here that understand and share the same feeling for me goint to threapy made it worst as he want to to get inthe other persons head that as abusing me over and over or wanted to me see how mu unicle flet beofre he abused and raped me or how others felt<br />
and it reallymade it wors so i stoped after a few months

Man, what a sorry way to council someone! Isn't it obvious what he was thinking about? I'm sorry you had that experience.

i am actually looking after a distant family member who was sexually abused by her dead mothers mum nd her boyfriend from the age of 6months when at the age of 5 her real father came forward to care for her and discovered she had been subjected to this secret torture. He took her and cared for her and married and became a proper family but she had very bad behaviour problems (just what you would expect from such a nitemare start in life) He never sought help with her but also went on to sexually abuse her. She is 14 now and has at last outed her dad. She wants to drop charges cos she doesnt want to hurt her dad. It is very hard for me to understand why she wants to return to him and forgive him. I have 2 girls 11 and 16 but have took her in as ss will not let her return to her father and only too right but for me to bring her up i need to help her sort her pretty little head out. Any advice cos ss are not equipped in this field. she cant really understand that she has no family members left who believe her or want anything to do with her and we are her last chance or she has to go in2 the system. Its only been a week and she is trying but i need to get her head sorted cos she must be mush inside. I think of her constantly and what shes going through and its killing me never mind her.

its not about being strong or weak ,its about the person is being destryed,damaged,full with pain ,i can say death but its not death because death is the end of pain ,while this ,the abuse is worse than death because all u feel is pain and anger ,im not sure if anyone here is self destructive ppl can broken their bones,cut,drain their blood to relief this pain ,its a slow death

Stay strong! I went to counseling after I was abused and I am still not over what had happened. When I was in counseling I barely spoke of what had happened. <br />
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Im always here if you need to talk. You have a strong support system on this site! <br />
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Im 22 and was abused by 4 different males from my family. it's tough and I hate them all for it!

Please get professional help. I was abused by my father i thought I was over it. I have just come out of a relationship very similar to the abuse I encountered. The relationship has bought all those memories back!

If you are anything like me, you can visualize the entire experience, you just can't put it into words because at the time it was happening you didn't really have the words and the logic to describe it. <br />
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As hard as it is to vocalize, Please try to find as many people to tell as possible - people you can trust to respect your privacy, or people so disconnected from your daily life that it can't come back to haunt you. <br />
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Regardless, Just talk about it as often as possible. Hearing the words come out of you somehow allows you to accept that its ok, You are ok, and You will be ok. <br />
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The memories come from a time when you didn't understand why it was happening and who was to blame. As odd as it sounds, the feelings you are having now are still operating on the logic system you had when the damage occurred. By vocalizing the indecent you bring the facts from the past to the present and you allow your present logic system to take control of the feelings of guilt and sadness. It's like going back in time and telling yourself it's ok.

Its not about letting go of it..it is about learning to live with it. It will not just disappear, it happened to you and it was awful and wrong...but it is in the past and you are not alone. I was terribly abused in just about every way by my step Father from the time I was 5 until I was 14. He raped me, he beat me, he verbally abused me, and he let 2 other men, a friend and his brother rape me repeatedly. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. One in three girls is sexually abused in this country. Those statistics mean that millions of women and girls know exactly what you went through, are going through now, and don't want you to feel alone in this. So, go talk to someone so that you can be a whole and happy person for your daughter. Maybe you went through what you did to save her or someone else from something like it. My sons are happy and have had wonderful childhoods because I learned what NOT to do and what to watch out for from my ordeal. I wish you healing, love, and happiness in everything you do. If you ever want to talk, I am here and understand.

People are sad and terrified when they hear that children get F''d. When it's time to help and understand the dysfunction that comes from this they grow impatient and say "get over it." I will never be healed. I will never be free. I will never be released from the inner demons that eat at me and my decisions. BUT I will go forward. Positive or negative--I decide. I try to picture the man I should have been had nothing happened. Without the abuse that eats me every minute of every day...and night. I try to be that person. I fail all the time. I fall, I get back up. 2 kids and 11 years of marriage later I am winning. My mind attacks me daily and I attack it back. I am going forward because going backwards would let the man I was supposed to be down. But make no mistake about it all you people who have endured what I have endured, you are alone. Sure you can get kind thoughts of love and support and respect and those are all very helpful and necessary... But you are alone and alone is the best place for you. Fight, make the right decisions, redirect where someone should end up ba<x>sed on what you have gone through... Don't go there. Pick another destination for yourself, a loftier one... And go there. I'll see you there and we'll share a smile of exhausted victory.

I died too at a young age. I have spent my whole life trying to remember something so bad my mind blocked it out but i know it happened. i know the struggle of not only feeling alone. I dont know about you but my struggle is that to let it go i must accept and forgive. how do you accept and forgive someone for destroying you? Iam broken. lost. and shattered and although it can change it for the future. right now im in mourning of myself.<br />
Im here if you ever need to talk.<br />
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Rel

My death happened when I was nine years old. My life has been an emotional roller coaster ride until today. Today I joined this site and met fellow survivors like you. Thank you so much for sharing, for it is in your sharing that I have began my journey of healing.

You are respected loved and admired here. I'm also thinking often of being a dad and it reminds me that I need to be watchful and careful how I react since my parents were responsible for abusing my sexuallity. I must not let that "poision of abuse" spread from me to others. You sound like a wise parent.