My Past Has Never Been Laid To Rest

I am a 35 year old British woman.

From the age of 9 to 15 I was sexually abused by my stepfather.

The abuse only ended when I was 15 because I drew a knife on him (which I had been sleeping with under my matteress for over a year) and threatened him with it. I still believe 100% that THIS was the night that he was actually going to RAPE me.

He was arrested and charged, and it went to court where he pleaded guilty to only the offense commited that night, and NOT to the fact he had been doing these things to me since I was a child of 9.

He recieved 2 years probation which basically entailed a probabtion officer coming to visit him at home and have a chat and a coffee once a week .... I still do not know if he was placed on the sexual offenders register or not.

Here's the kicker ........

Despite being in court when he pled guilty to the 'final' offense my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, defended this monster.

I did not have to attend court, my appointed social worker went in my place. My testimony was not needed as he pled guilty ...... despite him only admitting the ONE offence.

My mother stood in court (I forced thisinfo from my social worker) and told the jury that I used to get up in the morning wearing just panties & a small tee shirt and sit on his lap etc! ........ Ok, bearing in mind this monster had been abusing me since the age of 9, I wouldnt even be ALONE in a room with him, let alone appear in his prescence half-dressed! ....... the point was raised by the prosecuter that even if I HAD .... even if I came down every morning and danced naked at the breakfast table ** shudders ** this man was for all intents and purposes my father ...... and that is NO defence.

Truthfully, what has hurt me more for my whole life has been my mothers betrayal ... even more than the betrayal this monster imposed on me.

I should point out ...... my mother remained with this man ... still IS with him ....... sleeping in the same bed as the man who f***** up her little girls life so much and ADMITTED it in court. Over the years, it was 'brushed under the carpet' ... the only thing remotely close to getting closure was when my stepfather APOLOGISED to me when I was about 21 ........ he actually had the audacity to apologise ... saying 'we've never really spoke about what happened ... I want you to know i'm sorry' .... simple as that. Needless to say at that age, 6 years after the abuse had stopped .... I was a much stronger person ... mentally & physically .... and I let rip telling him that an apology is what you offer if you tread on someones toe .... NOT when you mess up thier lives with your actions.

 

Long story shortened ........ several suicide attempts, self harming (which is still a battle to overcome ~ even now) and a drug addiction in my mid 20's that nearly killed me.

I have been on every antidepressant on the British market since the age of 15 ...... have had all different kinds of therapy ...... and councelling.

Its only been recently that I was given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am recieving therapy in 'group' form at the moment.

I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a beautiful 4 year old son (who was concieved after being told by doctors I had 'unexplained infertility' . I was diagnosed type 1 diabetic 7 years ago and nearly died from complications Sept 2004 when I was in a coma for 2 weeks with Ketoacidosis. I concieved our baby early the following year (I am convinced one of my transfusions contained the blood of a fertile woman! ** smiles **

Oh, in all this mix ...... when I moved to live with my REAL father at 15 .... he was a severe drug user and I had to basically look after him.

I spent a year living on the streets a a teen too.

Early adulthood ....... addiction first time round ........ older boyfriend kept me dosed up on drugs while his friends had sex with me.

Anyhow .........

Despite every day being a struggle still (sometimes my illnesses are almost overwhelming) I have a reason to live now ...... a wonderful, caring man, who has sacrificed so much for me ... and loves me despite all the baggage! ...... it was actually the love of this man that got me 'clean' off the cocaine. I was an addict when we met and he made me realise life WAS worth living .... and I was worth more than I gave myself credit for.

Even more poiniant ..... my son ...... my beautiful, wonderful angel.

I am by no means a perfect mother but my son is so, so loved and is the centre of my universe. I am obsessive though that he KNOWS he is loved (unlike me as a child) ........ Its something i'm working on , I dont want to smother the child! ~ but he is the most loving, affectionate child ever which speaks volumes to me. Every day I am amazed still, that I MADE this wonderful, intelligent child.

The point of my story ........ despite having an absolutely HORRENDOUS life, I have always been concious of the fact that there are others who have had things even worse than me .... people who have not 'escaped' and are stl living the life that I was. It helps keep things in perspective and stop me drowning in self-pity (which would be too easy!)

 I have endured horrors which will haunt me for the rest of my life .... but the past is passed ....... I have no regrets about my past, it has made me who I am today .... which despite the mental illness and after effects of my life ..... I think i'm an ok person!, seeing my sons smile and hearing those I love tell me that they love me too puts it all in perspective.

I decided many years ago that I would not let the horrors of my past affect my day to day living now ...... I am a strong person ..... HE is weak, the others who abused me in other ways .... THEY are weak. I do not even hate them ........ I feel nothing ~ they do not matter.

 

My mother? .... we last spoke about a month after my baby was born ........ and fell out (again! Its a recurrant theme!) ~ My mother & her husband play NO part in my life now ....... they have been filed away in my mind.

 

To those who have suffered the same ~ please know, that as a survivor YOU are strong ..... THEY are weak.

The song Runaway Train by Soul Asylum still makes me cry, I still break down sometimes, but I have a place in life now .... I'm a mother & a partner and I have finally learned that I am worth more than I was always made to believe I was.

Thanks for letting me share. Wow! That was cathartic! :)

Tankgirlcaz Tankgirlcaz
36-40, F
8 Responses Feb 25, 2010

Thanks for posting this; isn't catharsis grand? I think that you would make a great therapist; I've encountered too many who really didn't have a clue about what they were trying to do—their good intentions aren't quite enough. You have my wishes for your every happiness.

im 19 years old and was also abused by my step father over several years. when i told my mother we contacted the police but all charges where dropped as he dinied everything. i struggle on a daily basis to deal with what has happened and wonder if i will ever truly heal. reading your post has given me hope. and i just wanted to say thank you.

Yay, good for you, like happy endings!... Yes you should really consider becoming a councellor... I'm on the long road to becoming a psychotherapist.... pehaps we can eventually begin to undo some of the issues earlier in others so they don't end up going through half as much as we did because of it!

Thank you to everyone who has left encouraging messages in response to my story :o)<br />
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It has been suggested numerous times by my personality disorder nurse that I should consider training to be a councellor, and if I could feel that I helped just ONE person who can identify with my story, that would truly be a good thing .... then if that one person can then help one other person ..... well, y'know. :o)<br />
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Again, thank you all for your encouragement & kind words. It REALLY DOES mean a lot.

I too am inspired. Awesome story!! Keep up the good fight - the survivor is the one with the power to overcome. <br />
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I hope that you seriously some day reach out to those who are/have been where you were at.

This is truly inspirational.

Thank you so much, I was really nervous writing this. Its the first time I have written anything on the EP. Hopefully it can help someone else too. Some days I dont feel too strong, but every day i'm learning to embrace what I have now & let go a little bit more of what has passed. :)

You are a very, very strong woman.<br />
I have no doubt that you're an amazing mother.