Still Hard To Talk About

From age 5 to 6 I was sexually abused by a neighbor.

It started with him having me and three of my siblings over... To watch cartoons and stuff. He even took us to this park-type thing and out for ice cream.

Eventually he suggested that since I was bored with my siblings at school (I only went a half-day to kindergarten) that I come over by myself to "paint". Well, since I loved art even as a little kid I was excited... But he had me paint his body. All of him. And then he would make me follow him upstairs to clean him up in the bath tub.

I remember him looking sternly at me in the tub and saying "Don't tell your mom about what happens here." I was raised to do what adults told me so I didn't think twice about it.

Eventually the paint variable stopped and he would just have me get undressed and touch him.

And eventually he raped me.

Every time I left his apartment he'd say "Now remember, don't tell your mom about this."

I didn't.

It's been eleven years.

I still can't break that promise to not tell my mom.


I talk to a counselor once a week. It's been difficult trying to call upon the memories that I worked so hard to bury.

Merralada Merralada
18-21, F
7 Responses Feb 25, 2010

promise???? Wat sort of promise is this??please tel ur parents abt it they will certainly help u n punish dat guy..
I cn understand the stage u r going through but u knw dont keep things in ur heart bcoz it hampers ur mind n ur it was not ur mistake so dont b sad n guilty abt it..wake up take a action..dont allow ur thoughts to control ur mind..rather u control thm..

If u want to end it tell it to ur mom discuss it.u knw we children take so much of burden not knwng dat our parents cn actualy solve it..u tel her everythng please bcoz u r staying wit dat person so u hv to face him..n plz always remember its not ur fault n every problem has a solution..if u find it really difficult to tel ur mom inform me may b v cn take other options..

Merralada and LostGirl, I do hope that you will talk with someone; you don't deserve the suffering that has been imposed on you, and with help you can overcome it. I have every wish for the success and happiness of you both.

I know how you feel. Unfortunatley my step father abused me as a little girl and told me that my mum would never believe me and that if I ever told then it would kill my mom. I've never; even to this day told my mum the details of what happened. She knows he sexually abused me but thats all really. I'm a seventeen year old girl and I still find it really hard to cope with life. I've tried suicide alot and i'm a frequent self harmer. All I can say to you is that when you're ready you'll tell her. It might be in a month, a year or a decade. But only when you have come to terms with it, and accepted it will you ever feel like it's time to tell her. Hope you're okay x

2nd..getting a human life is not at all easy..y do u want to end it..i cn understand ur situation but please dont end ur life..u cnt change ur past...

**** him u should put him in prison thats bustard

Thank you.<br />
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My mother and I are pretty close... But she's sick and she would blame herself. I don't want that.<br />
I can handle the past resting on my shoulders I guess.<br />
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No... We moved away when I was six and I don't remember his last name.<br />
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I only hope that he's dead and burning in hell. (I think he was fairly old. He had white hair anyway.)<br />
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Thank you.

I dont know how your relationship with your mother is, but only you can decide if it would be best to tell her. It would be easy for me to say you would feel better if you are able to unload on her, but it may not.<br />
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I am so so sorry this monster did this to you. <br />
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Was he never brought to justice for what he did? Its never too late to do something about it. Why should you have to live with it every day, what he did to you .... wjhilst he carries on with his life?<br />
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Only you can decide what is best for you & your situation but my thoughts are with you & I hope you can reach closure in some way <br />
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It is very brave of you to share.