This Is The First Time I've Ever Admitted This To Anyone, Because I Just Realized Today.

I think.. no, I KNOW now that I was sexually abused as a child now. I am 19 years old.

I've had anxiety and depression all my life, and I NEVER knew the source. I had suicidal thoughts when I was in middle school and had cut myself for 4 years up until my first year of high school. I thought it was a phase and all this time I have just been trying to think positive, and have pushed it all out of my mind/tried to forget about it. I am both incredibly obsessed with and deathly afraid of sex. I feel like if anyone knows I have sexual feelings at all, it will be unbearably embarrassing/shameful and that it's, I don't know.. wrong to feel sexual. I'd been completely fixated and obsessed with the feeling of ****** since about age 3, and would constantly try to achieve it if I had a moment alone. Almost as if being alone turned me on and made me want to try and have one.

I literally am totally incapable of making any kind of physical or sexual connection with straight men. If I find out they're gay, I feel totally at ease, like there will never be that threat of them being sexually attracted to me. I have always had crushes on guys, and have imagined being close with one, but in reality if the opportunity for that ever arose, I would get extremely fearful and panic and just push them away or find an excuse to not be near them. This is a particular problem for me and gets me very angry because there was once a boy I truly think I loved, he was an amazing kid and he was very patient and understanding of me especially since I told him straight off the bat that I was not ready for sex. He said he would wait and I was never pressured by him to give any of that, yet I was deathly afraid of being with him because there was still that expectancy that we were in a relationship, and EVENTUALLY I was going to have to have sex with him. I couldn't handle it and could not for the life of me understand why.

This happened so often, and I never let it get to the point of having a "real" boyfriend, that I seriously tried to consider the fact that maybe I was a lesbian. Eventually I forced myself to just do something about it, and I could hook up with boys, make out with them, have oral sex, but I would never ever let a boy touch me in return. It got me nervous and I was ashamed to let them and I never entertained the possibility that it might be pleasurable. For this reason I thought I must be gay. But then, although maybe the thought of a sexual relationship with a woman (for me) might have been taboo and exciting, the thought of truly being in love and caring for another woman romantically and sexually was disgusting and wrong. That's not to say that gay relationships are disgusting and wrong, but for a straight person such as myself, it didn't feel natural, the way a heterosexual relationship would seem unnatural to a homosexual. It just didn't feel right.

I tried to block what happened to me for many, many years. My mantra for quite some time had been, "It didn't happen, it didn't happen." Little did I realize just how powerful this mantra was, and exactly what it was doing to my mind. Repeating this so often after a traumatic event, I actually would end up completely forgetting about it. This worked for so long that I almost thought I stopped being affected by it. Then again, there were the subconscious effects: the inability to emotionally connect with men, the depression, severe severe anxiety, self-mutilation. It wasn't until another event happened that my mind would be triggered, and all the awful memories would come back. However repeating my mantra over and over just created a stockpile of bad feelings and memories that had been forcibly shoved away for years and years. I tried to forget, but they were always buried deep down, somewhere.

I hate to admit this, I never have to anyone, and I can't believe I'm going to say it now because it's just so embarrassing, but.. I'm pretty sure I was abused JUST A LITTLE by my father. There have been little things and really traumatizing things, but there's one memory that sticks out clear as a bell in my head and I don't know why.

I was about 7 years old. This was not the first time I was abused, as most of it took place between what I believe to be ages 2 and 6. Anyway, I had to use the bathroom, or I needed to go to the bathroom, or something along those lines, and I needed to be in the bathroom for that reason. My dad was "drying off" from a shower, and when I knocked on the door he insisted that I wait in the bathroom instead of outside the door. I knew he was naked except for using his towel so I went over to the toilet to sit down and wait, but kept my eyes shut tightly out of courtesy for his privacy.

When my Dad noticed I was doing this, he laughed and said it was okay for me to look. I told him no because then I would see his "privates," but he just laughed again and tried to convince me that no, it was really okay to look. I opened my eye just a crack out of curiosity and obedience, but once I got a glimpse of his penis I got scared and shut my eyes tightly again. I remember trying to "play along," so I just laughed nervously trying to cover up my fear, and told my father that I did not want to look and that it was really okay; I didn't need to see it.

However, even though my father was casually drying off before, this time he held the towel completely open when he called my name and refused to leave me alone until I opened my eyes and looked at him, standing there, completely exposed. I remember keeping my eyes open for a few seconds and staring at his uncircumcised penis, which I'm now realizing was slightly hard, before I closed my eyes again and said, "Ok, I looked."

He then said, "See, it's not bad. We're family, we can look at each other."

Honestly, that may have been the worst of it, and it wasn't even THAT bad (if you think about  what else could have happened). He really never did anything like that again; never made me look at him naked again, nor forced me to let him see ME naked. But I still feel really bothered by it.

For a time he would just try to touch me while he was hugging me. I kept telling myself this: that it was just an accident, he didn't know he was touching me there on purpose. He's just from a foreign country, and those people are more touchy-feely than most, so he probably didn't even realize he was doing it. However, I honestly cannot shake the feeling that it WASN'T an accident, and it happened for SO MANY YEARS that I just can't justify it happening so often. I have a few sisters, and once I finally found the courage and tried to talk to my sister about it, just to make sure I wasn't crazy. I asked her if Dad have ever touched her that way before, even if it just seemed like an accident. She got extremely defensive and cut me off before I could finish, saying "No, never. If that's happened to you it was just an accident, Dad would never do that. That's disgusting, you shouldn't even think that." And so I let it go.

I don't know, there's more to this story I just think I want to end it here because I feel like explaining the whole think will get me scared and sad, and it's late and I have school tomorrow. There is a particularly traumatizing event that happened that I just cannot bring myself to explain here, as I am very embarrassed by it. I just wanted to get this much out of my system now, before I chickened out and decided to still keep it a secret. I feel like a lot of my problems are beginning to make sense. I hope I can move forward and work through this, I want to get better now that I can address this with more maturity than I have been able to in the past.

 

Thank God for this site. xoxo

lifelongliar lifelongliar
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 2, 2010

hey. this story is incredibly similar to mine. i'm 19, cant be intimate with guys, sudden unexplained depressions. and then one day (about a year ago) i realized why. but for me it was my grandfather. this is the only place i've ever talked about it too. maybe we can talk about this together? because i understand exactly what you're going through right now and there are so many things i feel like i'd like to talk to someone about, but i just cant because they wouldnt understand me.