Almost There Or Almost Dead?

I remember all of it. Where it started, how old I was.The pulsating fear inside my body. How  would swea twhen the light came on in the hall or when he would put me to bed. I was three years old when it started. I was in my room, the one me and my older sister shared, she would have been about 17 at the time. The smell of Old Spice and stale cigars takes me back every time. The only thing I dont remeber is where I went. I'm pretty clear on the surrounding events. But there is only one time when I actually remember the feeling of him touching me. But only for a second. Then its dark. Everytime I try to push my memory further, it always stops in the same place. I've done extenisive reseach on the topic and I know the the majority of us go to another place. The human mind is only built to withstand so much. The function of denial is a killer and a savior. I just wish I knew where i went every time . It was my step dad, but ibdidnt know he wasnt my reak father until about 6 years old. I never told my mother. I want to, I want to so bad.... I am 29 now and for whatever reason this issues is persisting. I think about it all the time. The memories are getting more and more vivid. My life was stolen by this, this evil i guess. It is so dark in here. I dont know if im getting better and this is just the last of the ugly pain ready to purge or is this the pain that i am to endure forever? And why does it hurt like this? I dont get it? Im 30 years old and Im stuck here. at this point in my life. Everytime I see a pretty little girl somewhere, I want to break down. Why? Why? Why? This question never stops. I just want to feel better. I want to move on. I have post trama stress i think and very high anxiety. I have had a drug problem that is almost disolved but still present. I dont want to be touched or seen by anyone who is not my family. I go back and forth between thoughts of forgive ness for him and rage. I would forgive him to his face if i thought it would make me better. This is no way to think and feel while ur trying to call yourself alive. I think I need help now. I believe i have been taken as far as I can go on my own and I need help. I dont know what to do. I am in so much pain. I feel like i'm going to break soon. But am unsure if its because Im getting better or if its because this is killing me. 

capriciousness capriciousness
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 15, 2010

The dark place you describe is called dissociation. Your young mind could simply not wrap itself around what was happening so you basically were unconscious while still being responsive and awake.<br />
Its actually a life saving coping mechanism at 3 or 4 but can become disabling at an older age.<br />
I'll bet you sometimes observe yourself doing things as if you weren't in your body, as if you were a third party observing yourself interacting with someone, especially in sexual situations.<br />
The hardest knowledge to come by is knowledge about yourself and your experiences. Sometimes its so painful you prefer the dissociation. I know.<br />
There was a long part of my life when I didn't remember my abuse. Ignorance is bliss they say. I wish I could have maintained that level of ignorance but stuff kept happening that proved that i was somehow not normal and definitely not happy and i had to find out why. I should have left well enough alone but I had to know! It has been grueling, accepting and remembering little by ever increasingly painful little what happened to me. Its a curse to have to relive my abuse over and over, remembering one tiny new detail to put the pieces together, to float down from the ceiling where I hovered at the time and re experience my own sexual abuse. Frankly I don't recommend it but if, like me, you need to know then get yourself a good counselor with an expertise on the issues of adults who were sexually abused as children.<br />
Good luck