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My Silent Pain

When I was two, my parents got a divorce. I was a REALLY big daddy’s girl, and when I was with him, it was the time of my life.

He hurt me more than he’ll ever know

I remember the first time as if it was just happening. I was seven. I was spending the night at my dad’s house since it was his weekend, and although I knew he had to go to work the next day, I still wanted to spend as much time with him as possible.
We were on the way to his house, and debating what movie we were going to watch when we got home. We were down to action or comedy when he asked out of the blue if I wanted to watch an adult movie. Not knowing what it was, and wanting to try something new, I said yes.

When we got to his house, we both got into our pajamas and he grabbed the movie out of his room. I thought that was odd, since all our movies were out in the living room and I had never seen any in his room.

He put in the disk, sat down beside me, and started the movie.

It was ****.

I don’t remember if I asked what we were watching, and if I did, I don’t know what he said. I remember starting to feel all tingly down there as I stared at the screen. I felt a hand on my thigh, moving back and forth, but it felt like a dream, I couldn’t take my eyes off the TV as I watched the couple doing it.

My dad knelt down between my legs and took off my underwear, started touching me, and then he *** me out (I didn’t know what it was then, but since then, I do). It felt good, I had never experienced what I was then. My legs started to sake, and I told him I had to pee. He said it was fine, it was normal. I still had to pee though, and finally, he let me go.
He turned off the movie as I was peeing and then I went into my sister’s room (She wasn’t there and she had a TV in her room).

I cried that night.

From that point on, I was sexually abused. It started out as heavy petting, other things and turned into full ***. He would ask me if I liked it, and since I liked the feelings that I was having, I would say yes, even though I knew it was wrong and felt dirty. I still loved my dad, and he would always tell me not to tell, because if I did, he would get in trouble and I wouldn’t see him again.

I learned a few tricks on how to make the rape shorter as I got older. I would swallow chocolate syrup since I knew that helped girls *** faster, and we were always done when I ****.

Since I’m barley able to write anymore, I’ll try to hurry. At the age of thirteen, my dad left a hicky on my neck, and when my mom went to put up my hair, she found it. Trying to keep my promise to my dad, I said a boy gave it to me, but since I was so upset about knowing it was there, my mom knew I was lying. I told her.

My dad got ten to twenty years.

I’ve changed from a happy little girl, to who I am now.

I don’t know who I am
MySecret17 MySecret17 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 9, 2012

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MySecret17, this is an important story you have written, yours and the many others in this and similar experience categories are reminding the rest of us that child abuse is rampant and we as a society are woefully lack in responding to this crisis. The question I have is, how can we prevent this? How can we make responsible and trusted adults notice the signs of child abuse? How can we help the abused? I have a feeling that many of the counselors who are treating the abused are ineffective in getting to the core of the problem. I think it is worse that rape, it's betrayal, abandonment, a horrible feeling of being all alone with a terrible secret you can't tell to anyone, not knowing how to deal with a situation you know is terribly wrong, not having the skill set to deal with it. How can we teach a 4 or 5 year old child how to avoid rape?

My father got 15 years in prison for sexually abusing me, "his baby girl". I'm somehow always lonely, and I'm even married, but I find strength deep within and I have faith in God. There was something so deep and so sad about my dad hurting me like this. My dad changed when I was 10. It crushed my world. I will be praying for you. You will be okay. You did not deserve what happened to you. Life isn't fair.

You are an amazing an strong person and very brave. I know it took courage to talk about it and I know that you hurt but you are not alone. We who have suffered are here to support you. I think you will only get stronger as you face your challenges. I have hope for you and faith in your ability to heal. Happiness is out there I know it and we will all find it someday.

Truely am sorry that you had to go threw that kind of pain, the best thing to happen is that he has got or will get what is do to him, it wasn't your fault at all.

As I begin to read this I can't even go on to finish your story because of the hate. I can feel the betrayal. You've trusted him as someone high above all to give you the most pleasing memories and you think of him this way.<br />
I feel for you. My heart aches as I write this to be reminded of your pain. I hope the day where you can be free from these dark memories. Which I doubt. But I pray things gets well for you, that none of such bad things come your way to remind you of the torment you have. As a mother myself, I can only hope good things for you like my own child.

My sweet dear friend, i'm so sad to hear this! I understand how you felt, believe me its not your fault! except that it happened but do not own any of it. You did the right thing by telling your mother, don't ever regret it. Your father was sick and he deserves to be right where he is! Sweetheart, don't ever feel bad for making him pay for the pain he caused you. His job was to protect you, to teach you right from wrong and love you, he broke that trust in the worst way imaginable. For this my heart goes out to you! i feel the pain in your words, my arms of trust are open wide to you.... Your secret is safe with me.

Thank you,
I've heared stuff like that before, but only from a few family members. It feels better hearing it from someone who wasn't affected by it in one way or another. It makes me feel as if it's actually true