Life In September 2012 For Pb

I guess you could call this an update. I have housing now and I am starting to get used to it. It's quiet out there and I'm starting to find some peace. I have a very nice elderly neighbor. There are a couple of men on the other side of me who trigger me a bit, but I am trying to work with it.

My goal is to continue to pray for forgiveness for myself and the people in my life who have hurt me so I don't have to carry around the anger and hatred anymore. I'm focusing on that. I am also looking at ways to take care of myself. Pet sitting for a particular person causes me too much anxiety due to being back in my home town, so after this month, I am going to take a break from it. I'm also being very careful about what I share online as I had someone on this site really act cruelly. I have already shared personal information, but as far as posting questions, they will be a lot less personal. You can't control anything online, and clearly there are sick people on EP, but that doesn't mean I need to be further damaged by someone's illness. No one does.

I've also discovered going to my church on Sundays is triggering for me as generally I do not even go into the church but just hang out and talk to some of the neighborhood people. I go to a fancy pants Episcopal church in an impoverished neighborhood, and there is a real disconnect with that at times. I feel judged by some of the fancy pants people, and have decided it's too much for me right now. Going during the week to a shorter service is easier on me. Right now I am disconnecting from all forms of anxiety, as much as possible. It is time to go inward to heal. I am even finding facebook difficult, as people will constantly post things you didn't ask them to post on your page or send you little articles you don't need to read assuming it's what you need. Maybe it's not, did they ever stop to wonder that? People's egos are out of control these days imo. The internet and narcissism go hand in hand. I don't want to participate in it, and strive to be honest and constructive. I've often gone on yahoo answers to try and help people who are suicidal like I have often been. Self control is something we hear little about in a pleasure seeking society.

Finally, for anyone who may find this helpful, certain friendships are not working for me. I have one friend who, as some know, has a husband who refuses to let me see her. I can't deal with it right now. I have another friend who only wants to see me at his pleasure and convenience.  I need friends, but I don't need friends who cause me pain.

Well, that's it. That's what's going on for me. It is a really hard process, learning to take care of yourself, decide it's not selfish to do so, and to set boundaries and say no. I have such a fear of people's disapproval and hatred and abandonment still due to childhood issues. I'm trying to be very brave in my life. I want my dreams back.

I wish you all many blessings today.
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2 Responses Sep 15, 2012

Your story and your pain is very real to me. I can relate to many of your feelings as they take me to a time in my own life when I was dealing with emotional abuse from a group of people at the same time. Left me scared and alone. Nothing wrong with turning within yourself to heal. Just try not to close & lock that door to others & new experiences. That is how we grow as people. And nothing wrong with being careful who you open yourself to. To me, you sound strong. May God bless you and continue to strengthen you.

I have just read your stories and really feel for the horror you have gone through. But I believe that the more you think and write about the abuse and how you feel it has affected you, the more it will continue to do so.<br />
I would instead challenge you to discover or create joy every day.<br />
Joy is different for all of us but for me it is felt talking my locked in neighbours dogs out and watching them un happily in the morning sun.<br />
It is felt in words and situations that cause me to giggle and laugh out loud<br />
It is felt in reading spiritual experiences that resonate with me. <br />
It is felt when enjoying a work of art and the beauty of nature. <br />
There is a lot of sorrow in my life but I deliberately try to counter it by throwing bright jewels on the dirt path. <br />
There is little I could have altered as a child, but much I could have done differently as an adult. Now look back only to learn lessons and try to ensure every day contains moments of joy.