Untold Secrets

It took me 10 minutes to even think of the title, so forgive me if this is choppy or isn't pieced together well.

Let me begin by saying that I have never told anyone what happened to me. I have mentioned to my mother that my father "touched" me, and she had tried helping an getting me a therapist, but i was too uncomfortable with it so nothing ever came out of it. So if you are reading this, you are the first person I have ever told.

Some background history on my family: My father was from Syria who came to America for god knows what. My mother was born and raised by all-american, christian parents. My mom was 18 and my father was... i don't know how old, when they married. My mother was in college while my father was working . He was very rough with her, from the stories she's told me; very unloving and cold. My sister was born in 1987 in Pennsylvania. I was born in 1992 in Boynton Beach, FL. My father's brother was living with my familyr for a period of time. My mom had an affair with his brother, and my father claims that I am the result of that affair. My sister doesn't believe it, I don't know what to believe, and I haven't really talked about it with my mom, so I don't know what she thinks... or knows..  Anyways, that's when I showed up.

I don't really remember much of my early childhood, but I do remember always feeling victimized, and I definitely had an interest in male genitalia at an early age. Why? I don't know. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, when I was 3 or 4 years old, and looking at an Aladdin book I had, imagining him naked, on display, humiliated in Jafar's hourglass.

A lot of **** happened when I was around this age. My father had his own private practice as a doctor in Boynton Beach, but something happened and he lost it. I'm not sure of the details. Then we moved to Panama City. I literally cannot remember anything that happened when I lived there. There are few faint memories, but they are irrelevent. We later moved to Gainesville, FL. I was 5 or 6. I can't really remember a lot from when I first lived here, but I do remember when my parents split. My mom and father divorced when i was in kindergarten, but decided to live together for a year or so, I guess my mom needed the financial support. When they officially split up and left each other, my father moved to Haile Plantation (a rich community), my mother... I wouldnt say the ghetto, but it was close. I would stay with my father during the week, and I would go to my mom's on the weekend. Often, my father would take my sister and I to disney world to keep us away from my mother because she was going through a "permiscuous stage".

While living with my father, I would often go play outside or constantly hang out with whoever was my bestfriend at the time. My sister usually wasn't home, either. I remember my sister and father would always be yelling. My sister rarely acted up so she never did anything to deserve to be yelled at, it was him just being an *******. I remember my father would always shower with me. I thought nothing of it, but I was only 7. I remember touching his erect penis. These memories are very cloudy. He would force me naked to publicly humiliate me. Once at Sea World, after a water ride, I was drenched, so he made me take off my clothes and sit naked until my clothes were dry. He made me do this on a bench right to the side of the busy sidewalk. I remember trying to hide myself, but it was one of those blue park benches with the holes in it. I think it was cold that day, too. I remember him telling me to  skinny dip at the neighborhood pool one night. I remember him pulling down my bathing suit. You know, it's scary, because as I'm typing this I'm getting an erection.. is this okay? This may be one of my most disturbing memories that I can remember: One time on a family road trip back home from disney, I had to use the bathroom. I whined about it like any other kid would, so we had to wait for the next rest stop. As we cam up on it my dad asked if i still had to use the bathroom, and i said "i dont really have to anymore", and we passed it. I didn't pee myself or anything, i jut didnt have the urge to go anymore. Being the crazy bastard he is, he made a huge deal over it and stopped the van on the side of the highway. I'm pretty sure he violently threw me out of the car and yelled at me to ****. My sister had a disposable camera with only 2 or 3 pictures left on it. He demanded it from her even though she and my mom were both telling him to stop. Needless to say, he took the camera and took pictures of me using the bathroom on the side of the highway, with tears in my eyes, again exposed and humiliated.
Another time, I caught him downloading gay ****. He would always make me sleep in bed with him. He would fondle me in the shower and make me fondle him. I think he dry humped me in bed. I wish I could remember some things.. I had a nightmare about him, where I went to his house and there were phalic pillows and decor everywhere, and I think we did anal in the dream. 

Wow... as I'm typing this my heart is beating 100 miles per hour and im shaking. I wish I could go into further detail about what happened, and make more sense.

Well, after 4 years of dealing with him, my mom remarried, had a custody battle, won my sister and I back, and my father fled the country. The FBI is out looking for him because he owes us hundreds of thousands of dollars, but they can't seem to find him... hm. 

By the way, me today, I am pretty depressed. I'm pretty much addicted to smoking weed and cigarettes. I used to drink a lot, and pop pills. I've been suicidal, and it's actually gotten worse. I am gay, but I'm not sure if my childhood is the cause for it. I wear jeans every time I go into public. My grades in highschool fell and i ended up giving up and dropping out. One year I fell into a huge depression and wore pajamas pants and a hoodie with the hood up every day that year. I even dressed like that in the summer time, even when i worked at a pool, when it was hot as ****. Matter of fact, I've always worn jackets/ long sleeves and pants year round. I'm extremely pessimistic, and i get angry easily, never violent though. My self-confidence is hanging on by a thread. For most of my life I have felt unworthy of anyone's time, and unimportant. I have a hard time dealing with social situations, and trusting people. I have always felt or seen myself as fat, and i even went to the extreme of not eating for a week.  I have cut myself, beaten my wrists, tried choking myself, and thought about many more ways to kill myself. I pretty much ********** every day, sometimes it doesnt matter when or where, it's just an impulse. Also, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with me being abused, but I'm turned on by exhibition. I do understand that this is a legit fetish though, so i dont know if it was from what he did to me, or what...

Anyways, I'm going to stop writing now. I hope someone reads this and can give me some help or advice on what to do. 

If you managed to read through this unorganized story, thank you.
gakk gakk
18-21, M
1 Response Aug 3, 2010

So sorry what happened to you. I'm not an expert, but, I've been through the same kind of thing. I went through 10 Therapist before I found one I felt "linked" with. That is the key to successfully reversing the negative effects of parental sexual abuse, is a Therapist you feel "linked" with. Mine is like my "life-line". I hope you find your "life-line" on your journey to heal and it is a journey. Don't let the bio father thave control of your entire life! Don't let him destroy you! You are still young and you can turn all that negative energy into something good! Ok, so it happened. Can't change that. But, you can change how it effects your life and love for yourself! I did it! You can do it too! My Therapist had me pick up a copy of "Courage to Heal". Don't know if you've heard about it, but, there is a book and a "workbook". The only thing I disagree with in those books are to tell EVERYONE.."Shout it from the rooftops to your friends, family, etc..."..don't...don't do it. People can't handle it and then in the back of their mind, they think you will do the same as your parent did. So only tell people you totally trust or tell no one at all. Take care of yourself...this is one chance at life...live it out good..ok? Everybody has a story....it's up to you and you alone how the story of your life is written.