Hell Will Be Waiting With Open Gates!

I grew up in a family that from the outside looked like the typical happy family. I am the youngest of 5 girls, my sisters are much older than me so it was more like growing up an only child. I knew from a very young age that my family wasn't normal, I knew there were certain things that I wasn't allowed to talk to other people about. It was an unspoken thing I just knew. I grew up in a small town and went to church with my parents every service,my dad played the piano. He was never a good man, he didn't have a steady job until I was a teenager my mother worked very hard to provide for this lazy man, I hated him I always did and I could not wait to get out. During high school I worked a full time job while attending school my parents were not well off, but there was no need for an adolescent to work like that. One night at work when i was 16 I seen something that would change everything about me forever. I walked up to a table to see a middle aged man rubbing the leg of a girl no older than 12. She had sadness all over her. She noticed me and looked right in my eyes her fear, so familiar. The man immediately yanked his hand away smiled and acted as though it was nothing I held eye contact with that man for what seemed like forever and at that moment something inside of me snapped. He and the girl hurriedly left the building I followed and I wrote down the license plate. I fully planned to walk right back inside and call the police I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I witnessed wasn't innocent. I knew because I lived the same horrible nightmare that she did. I was touched by my father and I knew the fear in her eyes all to well. The remainder of my shift I was in a daze I couldn't calm my heart or stop seeing that little girl. I didn't call the police that day, I never called the police and I will never forgive myself for being to weak to face my own secrets to save that girl. I kept that napkin with his license plate number on it for years. That night I came face to face with something that I had been living in such strong denial of, to the point I was actually able to block it out ignore it pretend and truly convice myself it wasn't real. I don't remember at what age my father first touched me and I don't know when he stopped. That was the night that I could no longer lie to myself seeing that father and daughter broke my heart and made me come back to reality. By 17 I was an addict at the time I didn't tie it to my childhood sexual abuse, I really didn't I just thought I was ****** up in the head I couldn't live my life without drugs and my mom just couldn't understand, I remember her crying for hours I would lay in my bedroom floor and hear her praying for me and I absolutely hated her, I hate him, I hated me, I hated everyone. My mom would beg me to please help her understand what happened to me, why I had changed into this person. I was so mean to her, I hurt her so badly for so long and I didn't feel one ounce of guilt, I don't know if it was because of the drugs or just from the darkness that had begun to grow inside me. I eventually moved away, got as clean as I needed to be to survive...clean enough to fool most people. And for the first time I was happy atleast to me at that time it was happiness. I married my high school sweetheart we started a life together. And once again I had managed to fool myself into "forgetting" the years of molestation I had endured. I was by no means close to my family but I wasn't enstranged I saw them on holidays, special occasions and usually every couple of months. Then my husband and I brought our first daughter into this world and for the first time I knew true happiness. I lived for several more years in denial still at this point an addict, I wasn't a sloppy non functioning addict but an addict nonetheless. Only one person even knew this no one else even suspected. I was well aware at this point why I was unable to live without numbing my pain but still it was a secret that only my dad and I knew. 2 years later I got pregnant with our second baby girl, and I was faced with living sober, by the 5th month I had become depressed to the point it was impossible for my husband not to notice. He was so confused why I wasn't happy and I tried to play it off as hormones.. I had become so consumed by the shame and hatred and dirtiness in me. I dreaded sleep because I dreamed of his face I would hear his disgusting voice saying his nasty nasty words "daddy loves you" I had become so obsessed with this secret I began to write a journal and started to remember things that I had long ago hidden. My depression had gotten to the point that I was scaring myself I decide to confide in my bestfriend/sister. I knew if there was anyone in the world that could understand why I would keep this secret she would she knew how ****** up that family was. I called her, I guess right away she could tell this wasn't goin to be our normal everyday chat. I couldn't bring myself to just say it, I had never even said it outloud to myself. I told her I felt that maybe something happened to me (shes 11 years older than me) all she replied was "what do you mean" I began to just cry . She said my name in the most loving tone and said "you mean by dad don't you?" I was shocked I couldn't believe what I was hearing she told me he had molested her from the age of 4-12 she swore me to secrecy to keep this between us. She said she always believed she was the only one. My husband came home during this call, I was so filled with rage towards this disgusting monster that I could not keep this secret in me any longer. My husband held me for hours listening as I got every last bit of the horrific story out. I told him every detail and for the first time in my entire life I felt free I wasn't crying tears of sadness they were tears of relief. With tears rolling down this strong handsome face he asked me so sincerely why in our 5 years i never told him he told me how sorry he was that I lived alone with this. He wanted nothing more than to grab the gun and go kill that monster. I slept so peacefully that night no nightmares just rest. But when I woke I had an anger and hate in me that was stronger than anything I had ever felt. I called my father and told him "I know what you did to my sister and I told what you did to me, and I'm sure you did to the rest of my sisters too." I called him so many names and told him how much I hated him that he was dead to me to never contact me or my family again. And I ended with telling him to be a man and tell my mom soon or I would. He replied in an innocent tone "what are you talking about?" I just hung up. A month went by and nothing I sent him a text telling him not to be a coward this was his last chance. I wanted him to tell my mother because I knew this would crush her. Weeks went by without any contact from my mom which was unusual..I suspected my dad had told her something but definitely not the truth. I had waited so many years to be free and all that was standing in my way was my mother so I gathered some courage and told her everything about my sister and about me. She cried and seemed so heartbroken she apologized to my sister and me for failing us. She was in shock and I was so relieved because I had feared she had known and looked the other way. She left and I gave her a few days I knew that this had just destroyed her entire life. A few weeks later I was reminded why I had kept that secret and never told her. She forgave him, this pathetic doormat of a woman forgave the man that took of two her babies innocence, this man that had lied for the entirety of their marriage... she forgave him because "he's a changed man, he's not the same as back then, and he admitted that he touched her(my sis) inappropriatly, he admitted it all. But he swears he never laid one finger on you and he's telling the truth" I couldn't believe my ears my own mom was taking the side of this child molesting monster she told me maybe I was confused. That it makes no sense that he would admit to molesting my sister and not to me if it were true. I tried to explain to her why he would do that I was biologically his, she wasnt. It made perfect sense why he would lie. I was so hurt but I shouldn't have expected anything more from her she had always let him walk allover her I knew in my heart that's what would happen I just wanted to believe that she would love me enough to choose me. For a long time I was angry. I began working through my issues with therapy and it was the best decision I ever made. I still get depressed some days. I still hurt. Ive had no contact with my parents since. My relationship with my sister is destroyed. I have been thrown out in order to keep this secret. They can pretend all they want but I know the truth, they'll never be happy they can fool the whole world if they want bc in the end hell will be waiting with open gates for that bastard. As for me I'm free!!
mainlala mainlala
22-25, F
May 22, 2012