The Guy I Always Thought Was My Father

I sometime gets supressed memories when i was in middle school of my father touching me and kissing me in ways that fathers shouldnt be to his daughter. At the age i was, i didnt know what was going on or happening. When i got older i just became more confused of what was going on. i remember telling my mom that i didnt want to go to my dads because he always made me kiss him in ways that i shouldnt be. She never thought about it and told me to grow up. I never seemed to get anyone to understand me and what i was going through.
Everytime i went to my dads, i would have pieces of my underwear disappear. I never thought of it disappearing because of my father taking them, i thought that the washer ate them or something. I discovered like a store full of underwear in his dresser one day and was completely creeped out. I quit going to my dad and years past by i got older and he stopped doing stuff so i went on with life until i was curious about who as my real father. I always thought he was my father but when i discovered he wasnt my bilogical father, things became clear after all these years. He knew he wasnt my real father and thats why i was the only daughter of his, he was sexually abusing. When i confronted him about not being my dad, it all ended there. He became more abusive toward me. He was forcing himself on me and telling me he loves me and wants to be with me.
I became ware that this isnt father/daughter love, he was wanting me more than an daughter. He was buying lengrie for me to wear and was always in my business about boyfriends and my personal body functions. He always talked about how my body was sexy and that my boobs were getting bigger and that he wanted to do nasty things to me.
I quit seeing him after all that and tried to move on in life but when my mother had us move to a new town i was forced to ride with him to help him find his way to our new home. When we were almost to the new place, he pulled to the side of the road and forced himself on me. That is the day i can never forget. He was touching me inappropriately and was doing bad things to me. That day i cant ever forget no matter how hard i try. its suppressed in the back of my mind and it comes into my dreams and ruins me.
When we moved to a new town i never saw my dad for years. I didnt talk to him much only little so my mom wouldnt think of anything because she wasnt listening to me when i try to tell her. when my mother passed away, i seemed to have noone, i started to tlak to my dad again and everything seemed to be forgotten and try to start fresh. A year went by and things to be normal. He never tried anything or said anything about what has happened in the past. He acted like a father toward me. I thought everything was good an i didnt have to worry about it again but i was wrong. After a year of my moms death, he started to act like a guy that was crushing on me adn was talking dirty to me. I told him to stop and he would for the rest of the day then he would start again the next day. Underwear would disappear and he would buy inappropriate things for me and say inappropriate things toward me.
When my sister moved in with her children,he stopped everything. so it seemed to be back to normal until one morning i woke up, him forcing himself on me. I pushed him off and told him that i was not dealing with this anymore from him, that he is suppose to be my father. I packed my stuff and left. I never looked back.
its been 8months since i left and i havent talked or seen him. it has been haunting me over and over of all the things that has happened to me. I cant seem to trust anyone. I cant have a normal life. I am too damaged that i cant be open to anyone, and that causes people to leave out of my life easily.
I cant find anyone that knows what i have went through. I seem to be all alone and not wanting to go on with life. I have a hard time trusting any man that walks in my life.
I wish i could get advice on how to handle this and not let it effect my future.
damagedgurl damagedgurl
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 20, 2012

It's really hard to trust when the one person you HAD to trust was least worthy of it.
I would contact a rape crisis center, see if you can get therapy for this.

I understand what happened I had it happen too if you need/want someone to talk to PM me

Why dont you report him to the police?? He should get his punishment. He is sick! Dont let him get away with what he has done to you.. Talk to your close friends or family and do something about this monster!