Daddy's Little Girl

It almost seems like a dream. The older I get, the more blurry the memories get.

From as young as I can remember until about the age of 8, my father molested me. I was born in Morocco and was an only child. My father spoiled me with whatever I wanted. My mother worked long hours and I remember us not being that close. Everyone knew me as daddy's little girl. Always on his shoulders or by his side. I trusted and loved him with all my heart. When kids spoke about their daddies being mean, I always spoke up for mine and defended how great of a dad he was. My blurry memories bring me back to about the age of 4 or 5. My father, mother and I would eat dinner and watch tv together every night. Around 8 or 9pm every night my father would get tired and head to bed, my mother stayed up late and relaxed by herself in the living room watching movies. My father would get settled in bed and call my name to come cuddle. This was daddy and daughter time. My mother never seemed to ask any questions or think anything of it. She must of felt it was a normal way to put me to sleep. I remember getting into bed with my father and hearing him "baby talk" to me. It seemed to comfort me and put me at ease. He then would ask if he could put his "toto" (penis) between my vagina lips so it could stay warm. It was a normal thing to me and I would always let him do it. That is why I said as young as I could remember because I can never recall a time I was shocked by this.

He continued to do this, and maybe other things that I don't remember, until about the age of 8. He moved to America and I stayed with my mother in Morocco, within a month we joined him here but I think the abuse suddenly stopped since my mother was more around and he worked nights.

All of this never mattered to me until I turned 12 and understood what sex was. I then realized what I went through as a child was not right. I lived a dangerous teenage life and slept with many men and ran away from home continuously.

By the age of 15, I skipped school so much Social Services got involved and took me away. I had the best social worker any abused girl could ask for. One night, after a meeting with my parents, she drove me back to the group home and said "I noticed how tense you became when your father tapped your shoulder during the meeting, did he ever sexually abuse you?". That question changed my life. I started crying hysterically and for the first time spoke up. She comforted me more then anyone could ever have. It was a moment where I realized everything was going to change from that moment on.

She reported what I told her to social services and they started to investigate my father. My mother could not believe what she was being told and took his side. She felt it was a lie I made up to get sympathy for my outrageous behavior with school and drugs. My father defended himself and never to this day admitted to abusing me.

I am 27 now and live on my own and have a great job. I have calmed down tremendously since my teenage years. However, my life has been ruined by memories of my childhood. I can not form relationships with females or males. I have been single for over 5 years now and have not gave anyone a chance to get to know me and fall in love with me. I have anxiety issues and trust issues. Worst of all... My father is still involved in my life. It is the most awkward feeling ever visiting my mother with him around. But I still call him dad and I still speak to him when needed.

I have been seeing this guy I worked with for a few years now, but it is just sexual. In the beginning he used to tell me to call him daddy, and it made me so uncomfortable, but I realized after a few times that it was very therapeutic. It allowed me to think of him as my "daddy" and not my father. The memories started to fade away slowly and the word "daddy" was associated with my lover. I never told him this, and I know it makes me "weird" I guess, but it just seems to help.

That is my story. I am lost and depressed and anti-social and difficult to get to know. But I am who I am and I will not let that sick man ruin my future.
ShyOne85 ShyOne85
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 28, 2012

Thanks for this article something similar happen to me & i push people away and think of Suiside sometimes , thanks

Please, stay stronger. Do not suicide!

I've gone through a very similar situation, except when my mom took my dad's side, i couldn't stand to be around her so i left home and have been on my own since i was a teenager. (21 now) the worst part is the anxiety and the trust issues. everywhere i look, i see something that reminds me of my father and i want to vomit. i hate the entire world, and i want to kill myself (just in the moment) because everything reminds me of those awful experiences. i constantly worry that anyone im involved with romantically will turn out to be a *********. i also feel so out of control sometimes that i worry that i will become a *********. it sounds silly, but that's the thing, ive never in my life felt in control of my emotions, so how do i know that i wont turn into a monster without being able to stop it? i dont feel any attraction to children, so i dont think my fear is rational, but still. it freaks me out to think that this person ruined my life for so long and what if life is this vicious cycle where people just randomly turn into pedophiles without being able to control it and we all just keep making life hell for each other forver and nothing ever gets better???????? what if the point of existence is simply to torture us?????????????/ ugh i know i sound crazy but i havent vented in a while.

I know exactly what you mean. Because we think about what happened to us as children, the thoughts of us with other children arises on its own. I know we do not intend to act on those thoughts, but its enough to make us feel like a monster. I do think that it is something that gets carried from parent to child if we allow to. Sometimes I wonder if my father was molested as a child as well.

You have to stay strong and vent as much as you want. Do not let those thoughts get to you. The best thing to do is think about how you can help children who are victims right now. I have been looking into some places that I can volunteer in. By helping, I think the memories will haunt us less. (hopefully).

Have you ever heard of Joyce Meyer? She was raped by her father, over 200 times, before she turned 18 and left. She was broken and angry and it followed her everywhere. Leaving the house didn't leave the pain behind. But, now, she is completely healed. COMPLETELY healed! She is whole and full of joy and life... and helping others heal all over the world. She has a wonderful marriage, 4 kids and a huge family. Her burden is gone and so can yours. Check her out! www.joycemeyer.org

sorry you went through all that and glad your doing better now,