No Memories, Am I Crazy

i have no memories. my life has been one big blur. i feel crazy. i am a 21 year old female trying to figure life out and ever since I graduated high school and have gone to college life took a series of turns i never saw coming. I went to college on a volleyball scholarship. My sophomore year after my long-term boyfriend and i broke up I changed rapidly. i began partying heavily and smoking weed. I ended up getting raped one night at a party then all of sudden I began experimenting with drugs and my life spun out of control so fast. I ended up in few bad scenarios and had to leave school. I took some time off then I began playing volleyball again at another university. My emotions began spiraling out of control however and I had no idea what was happening to me. I fell in such a depressive state that I was having anxiety attacks and major sleep disturbances. I was waking up every morning throwing up because I was in such a severe depression that my body was physically having a toll taken out on it. I had extreme loss of appetite and emotional outbursts. I eventually began counseling and had to quit playing volleyball after one more year at another university then moved back home. I started counseling and began having a feeling that something terrible happened in my childhood that I was having some sort of feeling of ******. When I brought it up to my counselor she assured me that she knew I was a sexual abuse victim. Then I began thinking about my childhood and I remember one incident. I was sitting in the bathtub waiting for my dad to take a bath with me. I remember being under the age of 5 and having this memory. I pooped in the tub and I remember the exact reason why I did it. So that he would have to drain the bath water and get angry with me. But why did I want him to get angry at me? I remember that he never got angry at me. I have *********** from that age on or earlier. I feel crazy. I feel like maybe this is my mind creating an excuse for all my bad choices. I feel like my uncle was involved too. I feel like my uncle and my father both abused me and that a camera was involved. I have a feeling something serious happened to me. Why can't I trust my counselor? I quit going and I feel hopeless. Worst part is I have to continue living and maintaining a relationship with my family because I still live with my father. Is this real life? I can't believe that my whole life I was really victimized by my own father and I have no memories of it. Now I am 21 and wake up one day feeling that ****** happened. I am just realizing something terrible happened? But how can this be? It doesn't make sense. I feel alone.
dazedlostconfused dazedlostconfused
18-21
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

Hi...I'm adding you, if you turn back up and want to talk, I'm usually around. I don't think you're crazy.