Share My Story.. Share My Story... No One Knows My Name But Once I Put Words To It....

For close to 31 years I have lived with a secret, the secret of what my dad did to me. I have never talked about it, although I have been asked by more than a few therapists and more than a few of my friends, "Did your dad sexually abuse you?".

It was brought up during a child custody battle when i was in High School so someone knew but I was so scared and ashamed and was unclear of actual moments of occurence. I mean if I only had the feeling of terror without any memories, okay, I had two specific memories but it was only two so couldn't I be kidding myself...

If i wasn't such a bad kid, if I wasn't garbage, its all my fault, I'm a liar no one will believe me, I will lose my whole family if I tell, if I could just stay out of trouble he wouldn't be able to touch me, if I can just let go of my anger I can get along for the family's sake, what if my brother's don't beleive me, what if he touches my daughter and/or nieces, what if I tell, please don't touch me, I don't trust anyone, I have such issues with trust, I won't let people too close, I'm damaged goods....

I could go on and on with how I have felt, how I feel. It's been 26 years since he was last able to touch me. I was kicked out of my dad's house when I was about 14, everyone was told it was becasue I was a liar and an uncontrollable teenager. The family on my dad's side stopped talking to me except for my uncle, dad's brother, and my step gram, my dad's step mom. My dad told everyone i had tried to hurt my baby brother so i was no longer allowed access to him and limited access to a brother who was a year younger than me. I was left on the side of a tollway in my Cheerleading uniform, I was supposed to wait for a mom who had never had much to do with me. I was without a jacket or any clothes, including undergarments to change into. I waited, so very scared. I was a trouble maker right, if my whole family believed it, it must be true.

I had a few suicide attempts after I went to live with my mom, my dad tried to get me back but my mom fought him and i was assigned an attorney by the court. I saw 5 different people from a social worker to a child phsychiatrist to a nurse to a doctor to another physcologist.. The court ruled in my mom's favor. My dad has never forgiven me. I was asked by so many people if my dad had ever touched me inappropriately, I kept saying no but anyone could see I was absolutely terrified of the man. I jumped when any adult male came within a foot of my personal space.

When I focus and actually think about what my dad did I have two things which stick out in my head, stay away from him in the pool and hot tub and don't ever put yourself in a position to be punished.

The pool is where i remember his hands "slipping' the very first time. We were rough housing after my mom's recent suicide attempt and he said he wnated to get my and my brother's mind off what was going on. Each time he threw me in the water there was a "slip' of the hands. I thought, at the time, oh that was an accident. I felt disgusting and filthy but when I would try to keep my dad from touching me, I was told I was being to oversensitive and he'd become more addament about throwing me or just rough housing with me. It got to a point where I just let it happen, always with a smile and always pretending I was ok.

He beleived in bare bottom spankings. Another oppurtunity for him to have a "slip" of the hands while making it seem like an accident. But at 14 I was more loud, I would cry out but my brothers and step mom thought it was becasue I was being punished. I ran away, the girls parents of where I ran to went to the school about suspicians they had about my dad. I denied it to the guidance counselors and my dad denied it so end of story. Ultimatley it ended when I came home about 10 minutes late, fresh off a grounding and was kicked out. This was shortly after the school got involved and a threat I made to dad about telling. He pounded into me how I was a liar and a trouble maker, that no one would believe me and he'd make sure my two younger brothers would never have anything to do with me. He never had sex with me so he wasn't doing anything wrong, different words were used, but the feelings I was left with were the same as if he'd said just that.

Recently, a blow out occurred within my family about my dad's negative comments about family on FB. It lead to me telling him his sexual jokes and humor were not okay around my daughter. I also went on to tell him his negativity about the family was hard to explain and pretty much knock it off. This after my father commented on my daughters butt in a restaurant last summer. I should have addressed things then and there, but I was so shocked and uncomfortable my only thought was to get the hell away. ANd while this is no excuse, I was fresh off chemo for Lymphoma. (I think secrets like these cause major diseases in us keeping them).

I am jumping all of the place I think... Bottom line is my husband sent a scathing email copying my brothers who have kids and their wives about his mind set on little girls, to explain himself and to understand his actions in regards to sexual innuendos is inappropriate around our daughter. One of the brothers was part of the custody battle and has had suspicians of what my father did to me has stood by me. Another brother, the one closest in age, has his suspicians as well, I think, but has said nothing. My baby brother, 15 years my junior has disowned me. I am wrestling with that. What if my father has changed? What if I'm the only one he's done things to and would ever do things to?

I feel so much guilt and each time I think of a particular incident I physically am ill.

I know my dad has flat out denied ever doing anything. I know he is saying I'm screwed up and a liar. Trust me, I know I've had some questionable past actions. I feel like I should have kept silent but....

I have been in theraphy on and off since High School, more recently I have found someone I have been able to make progress with. This has all come to a head because of some other significant events in my life and also because of the timing between my daughter being the age when my dad first slipped and these event occurring. THANK GOD, my daughter has not been touched, but I am guilty of allowing her around my dad even thought it's only been at family functions and never alone. I still feel like "shame on me though, what if.."

Maybe subconsiously all of my actions in this recent war with my dad were being driven by my need to cut him out of my life without having my brothers questions me and tell me to quite taking things so personally. Maybe I wanted to destroy him by telling this secret and seeing where the chips landed??? I try to act from a good place but when my dad is involved alot of logic and sane thinking seems to fly out the window.

Anyway, that's the very tiny tip of a big ice berg. Maybe some of you can relate?
Giggly73 Giggly73
36-40
Jan 10, 2013