I Was Sexually Abused By My Father
This won't be perfect.. I'm writing this just as I'm thinking it.. so forgive me if things are a little over explained because I think I feel like I need to let everything out.. everything I can remember.
I've only written about this one other time. I was around 15 years old and I wrote it in my diary just after the latest incident happened. I felt emboldened for some reason to finally write down how I was feeling and what just took place. I think I was angry and had finally had enough. Enough of the secrets, enough of pretending, I felt like I had to record everything down.. for my sanity.
I remember taking my diary to the dining room table and writing from the very beginning, as far as I could remember and how long it had been happening to me. I would say I was around 3-4 years old. I remember this because my sister is only 3 years younger than me, and I remember an incident with her and him when she was still only in diapers. That memory I think is how I remember how long it's been happening. Starting from there..
I remember him changing her diaper and I went to my room for a bit and when I came back his mouth was on her private area. I stood there in shock and at the same time jealous that he was showing her "affection" and "love" instead of me. This is what I was taught it was. When I came in and saw them he told me to go back to my room. That's all I remember from that and I think because of the jealousy I felt in that moment, it was already happening to me.
When I was 4-5 years old we would babysit this boy. He was only a few years younger. I remember when he was feeding us lunch, he asked me to put my hand in his diaper. I didn't understand why. He put my hand in the boy's diaper and the boy's hand in my underwear. He then asked me how it felt. I said wet because he peed. That's all I remember from that and the only time I can remember it happening with this boy.
He would also play games with me, he made me copy what he was doing to me. He would caress my private area and made me caress his, to me it was a game.. I wish I knew better..
My mom worked a lot. All of this only ever happened when she was at work. Whenever she had to work I was always scared, upset, and fearful. The summers/vacations/weekends were the worst.
6 years old. It would always happen late at night. Sadly, I would always wake up but pretend I was sleeping. He would say "I know you're not sleeping. Stop pretending." and I hated that because it felt like he broke the spell of me not being there to being totally aware of everything going on. It seemed to last forever. I would squirm and when he was done putting his mouth on me, he would leave. All of this while my sister is sleeping next to me.
I was around 7-9 years old (can't remember) when I first told someone about it. She was a girl who lived in my apartment complex a little older than me. She told me I should tell someone, but I asked her to promise me she would never say anything and she did.
It didn't help that I was bullied every day at school from 4-6th grade. I don't know why but this one girl just really hated me. Till this day I still don't know why she was so mean to me. She made everyone else mean to me, I had no friends. Honestly.. I had NO friends. I don't know how to explain how it felt having to go school where everyone in your class didn't like you, to hate going home to your own father. I had no escape.. everywhere I was I was hurting.
There were so many times I wanted to tell my mom. But I was told early on that I would be in trouble if I did and that it was just "our secret". I remember constantly asking my mom to stay home and please don't go to work, she asked why? and I would say things like "you work too much" and "we never see you" but to no avail. My sister and I weren't close to our mom like some daughters usually are. This is mostly because my mom isn't an affectionate person. She doesn't say I love you, or give you hugs. It sucks but that's the kind of mom she is. She's the type to show you she cares through gifts that's it. Another reason I didn't tell her was because I honestly thought for a VERY LONG TIME, that if I told her, she wouldn't believe me. Or that she would love me less than she showed already. I wanted my mom's love so much I didn't want to tell her so I wouldn't disturb any feelings she had for me already, it's sad growing up with a secret like this and not telling because you're afraid your mother would not love you anymore, but I thought this all the way to high school until the secret finally came out.
Slowly it progressed from him touching me, to making me touch him. He made me put my mouth on him, watch ****, do all this stuff and I had no idea why. It wasn't until I learned about sex from school that I knew what he was doing was bad. I always felt like something was wrong but I never knew what because of my age. Growing up with it made it seem like it was a way he showed me he loved me, until I hit Jr. High school.
Jr. High School- He would always wait for my mom to work in the evenings to do things. He even had me and my sister both do things to him. We were too afraid to say no. My dad was the disciplinarian in the house, so whatever he said went. We didn't want to get in trouble so we always did what we were told, no matter how much we didn't want to, it was never an option. It got worse around this time, it happened almost every night.
I don't think you could ever really explain the fear and sound of a doorknob turning. Also, the fear of going to bed every night. Shouldn't going to bed be peaceful and a relaxing closing to your day? How could that noise and bedtime trigger absolute fear and sadness? What follows I suppose.
High School.. My sister and I had bunk beds during this time. It wasn't until then did I realize it was happening to my sister more frequently. I know I've spoken about it happening early on in this post, but I mean.. I actually came to the realization that he was molesting her separately. Taking turns with us I guess. I remember a lot of nights going to bed and hoping this night I can just sleep without any interuption. I remember staying up until 12-1am paranoid because this was the time he would turn the tv off and go to his office room(watch his dirty movies).. or.. the hall light would turn on..
I would pray so hard as soon as the tv turned off "please God let me sleep tonight" "please i just want to sleep tonight" "please dont let him come in here" over and over again.. and when he would go to his office.. I'd be so happy and sleep well. But.. more times than not.. that hall light would turn on in the middle of my prayers and tears and as soon as it did I would say "God why??" "i just want to sleep" " please God why?"
Then I'd be really quiet and pretend I was sleeping, and as usual he would say. "I know you're not sleeping." I'd be so angry and tears would stream down my face. When he was done touching me and releasing himself on me and cleaned me up, he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. Once he left I'd cry and cry and cry. I even remember him saying one time, "I can't wait until you're not a virgin anymore so I can put it in." and he also said "when your husband takes your virginity let me know so i can put it in there" and I remember thinking that's so disgusting!! why the **** would I ever let you do that?!
I started slowly rebelling.. but he made it hard. He would tell me to meet him in the room upstairs and I remember I didn't want to go. I stayed where I was at and watched tv. Then after a couple mins he said are you coming and I said no and he would get mad and ignore me. He never yelled or hit me.. he just ignored me and made me feel bad/guilty for not doing what he wanted. Sometimes I would feel relieved I didn't give in, but the times I did was mostly because I was more scared. I remember telling myself over and over again.. year after year.. next year I'll be a year older and I'll be braver and stand up to him and say no.. but every year came and went.. and I was no braver.. I felt like a failure.
Then around 10th grade I wanted to use the internet and I remember him saying, "well what will you give me?" and i didnt understand what he meant by it. and i said i dont know. Then he said "Well you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. You want something you have to give me something too" (till this day I ******* hate that saying.) There were times i said "never mind then" and he would get all upset and there were times I gave in because I really wanted to use the computer. (Looking back I can't believe I gave in)
When I started saying no more and rebelling I felt good until I found out he was using my sister in my stead. Then I felt angry and guilty because if I gave in more he would've left her alone. How I found out about this was when I couldn't find my sister in the house. I was calling for her and when I went upstairs towards my other little sibling's room, he came walking out and said "I thought you were your mom" and i said "i cant find ____" and she pops out of the room and I look up at him and he has the nerve to say to me "Since you're not giving it to me, I have to get it somewhere else." Till this ******* day I want to punch the **** out of him for saying that to me. In that moment, I looked at him shocked and I decided from that day on.. I would give in more so he would leave her alone. That's what I did and he left her alone more so I was happy about that.
I finally confronted my sister about it and she wouldn't talk to me. She would say I don't want to talk about it or nothing go to sleep. But I said to her, its happening to me too. She looked at me and said it is? We cried and cried and talked about everything that was happening. I had never felt so close to my sister knowing that we shared the same fears and hurt. We made a promise to talk to each other more.
12th grade.. MY WHOLE WORLD FELL APART AROUND ME and our family has never been the same.
My sister had told a friend about the things that happened to her. They told their parents about it and one day social services came to the house. Some lady came asking my mother questions and wanted to talk to my sister. My mother got angry and told the lady to leave. My sister rushed into the house and found me in our room. She was crying saying the lady said someone contacted them about her and was asking her questions and that her friend's parents had reported it. She was sobbing so hard, afraid and saying that she spoke to our mom. She asked me what do we do? I felt like the whole world stood still. I couldn't believe that it was all happening now. Something I thought I would take to my grave had just been thrust out into the open and became real.
My mom came into our room after the lady left. She saw us sitting on the floor and my sister was crying on my lap and i was just hugging her trying to calm her down. My mother's face when she looked at us.. i can't even.. she looked at us and asked "why is that lady here? what does she want?" and my sister sobbed harder. I knew I had to finally tell my mother something I never thought I would have to say. I couldn't get the words out.. it was like trying to speak with a rubber ball stuck in your throat. My mom looked helpless and said "Please tell me!" and I finally let it out slowly then just blurted "Dad's been touching us!" and my sister started sobbing harder and hugging me harder with her face turned away and I started crying so hard and my mom's face.. I had never seen her look like that. She looked so heart broken and helpless. I saw all my mother's strength just leave her and she asked "why didnt you ever tell me!?" and I said "We were too afraid, we didnt think you'd believe us!" I cried harder and harder. I finally said it. After all those years of pretending we were this happy family, that everything was alright. That whole life of everything's fine just shattered and the truth of our lives was all around us.
She said to us "You're from my body, I will protect you. He is just my husband, but you are my kids! You come from me, you're my blood. I dont care about him!" That was the first time I ever felt like she really did love us and the first time she ever told us how she felt. I felt like this wall was just torn down between me, my mom and my sister. That we were all finally on the same page and I can't completely express the feeling of complete chaos, relief, fear and confusion about everything because she finally knew. My biggest nightmare come to life when everything came out.
There's more to this story.. the aftermath and what not. I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. This is all I can muster for one day. I will write about the rest of what happened.. I don't know when. Just, not yet.
I've only written about this one other time. I was around 15 years old and I wrote it in my diary just after the latest incident happened. I felt emboldened for some reason to finally write down how I was feeling and what just took place. I think I was angry and had finally had enough. Enough of the secrets, enough of pretending, I felt like I had to record everything down.. for my sanity.
I remember taking my diary to the dining room table and writing from the very beginning, as far as I could remember and how long it had been happening to me. I would say I was around 3-4 years old. I remember this because my sister is only 3 years younger than me, and I remember an incident with her and him when she was still only in diapers. That memory I think is how I remember how long it's been happening. Starting from there..
I remember him changing her diaper and I went to my room for a bit and when I came back his mouth was on her private area. I stood there in shock and at the same time jealous that he was showing her "affection" and "love" instead of me. This is what I was taught it was. When I came in and saw them he told me to go back to my room. That's all I remember from that and I think because of the jealousy I felt in that moment, it was already happening to me.
When I was 4-5 years old we would babysit this boy. He was only a few years younger. I remember when he was feeding us lunch, he asked me to put my hand in his diaper. I didn't understand why. He put my hand in the boy's diaper and the boy's hand in my underwear. He then asked me how it felt. I said wet because he peed. That's all I remember from that and the only time I can remember it happening with this boy.
He would also play games with me, he made me copy what he was doing to me. He would caress my private area and made me caress his, to me it was a game.. I wish I knew better..
My mom worked a lot. All of this only ever happened when she was at work. Whenever she had to work I was always scared, upset, and fearful. The summers/vacations/weekends were the worst.
6 years old. It would always happen late at night. Sadly, I would always wake up but pretend I was sleeping. He would say "I know you're not sleeping. Stop pretending." and I hated that because it felt like he broke the spell of me not being there to being totally aware of everything going on. It seemed to last forever. I would squirm and when he was done putting his mouth on me, he would leave. All of this while my sister is sleeping next to me.
I was around 7-9 years old (can't remember) when I first told someone about it. She was a girl who lived in my apartment complex a little older than me. She told me I should tell someone, but I asked her to promise me she would never say anything and she did.
It didn't help that I was bullied every day at school from 4-6th grade. I don't know why but this one girl just really hated me. Till this day I still don't know why she was so mean to me. She made everyone else mean to me, I had no friends. Honestly.. I had NO friends. I don't know how to explain how it felt having to go school where everyone in your class didn't like you, to hate going home to your own father. I had no escape.. everywhere I was I was hurting.
There were so many times I wanted to tell my mom. But I was told early on that I would be in trouble if I did and that it was just "our secret". I remember constantly asking my mom to stay home and please don't go to work, she asked why? and I would say things like "you work too much" and "we never see you" but to no avail. My sister and I weren't close to our mom like some daughters usually are. This is mostly because my mom isn't an affectionate person. She doesn't say I love you, or give you hugs. It sucks but that's the kind of mom she is. She's the type to show you she cares through gifts that's it. Another reason I didn't tell her was because I honestly thought for a VERY LONG TIME, that if I told her, she wouldn't believe me. Or that she would love me less than she showed already. I wanted my mom's love so much I didn't want to tell her so I wouldn't disturb any feelings she had for me already, it's sad growing up with a secret like this and not telling because you're afraid your mother would not love you anymore, but I thought this all the way to high school until the secret finally came out.
Slowly it progressed from him touching me, to making me touch him. He made me put my mouth on him, watch ****, do all this stuff and I had no idea why. It wasn't until I learned about sex from school that I knew what he was doing was bad. I always felt like something was wrong but I never knew what because of my age. Growing up with it made it seem like it was a way he showed me he loved me, until I hit Jr. High school.
Jr. High School- He would always wait for my mom to work in the evenings to do things. He even had me and my sister both do things to him. We were too afraid to say no. My dad was the disciplinarian in the house, so whatever he said went. We didn't want to get in trouble so we always did what we were told, no matter how much we didn't want to, it was never an option. It got worse around this time, it happened almost every night.
I don't think you could ever really explain the fear and sound of a doorknob turning. Also, the fear of going to bed every night. Shouldn't going to bed be peaceful and a relaxing closing to your day? How could that noise and bedtime trigger absolute fear and sadness? What follows I suppose.
High School.. My sister and I had bunk beds during this time. It wasn't until then did I realize it was happening to my sister more frequently. I know I've spoken about it happening early on in this post, but I mean.. I actually came to the realization that he was molesting her separately. Taking turns with us I guess. I remember a lot of nights going to bed and hoping this night I can just sleep without any interuption. I remember staying up until 12-1am paranoid because this was the time he would turn the tv off and go to his office room(watch his dirty movies).. or.. the hall light would turn on..
I would pray so hard as soon as the tv turned off "please God let me sleep tonight" "please i just want to sleep tonight" "please dont let him come in here" over and over again.. and when he would go to his office.. I'd be so happy and sleep well. But.. more times than not.. that hall light would turn on in the middle of my prayers and tears and as soon as it did I would say "God why??" "i just want to sleep" " please God why?"
Then I'd be really quiet and pretend I was sleeping, and as usual he would say. "I know you're not sleeping." I'd be so angry and tears would stream down my face. When he was done touching me and releasing himself on me and cleaned me up, he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. Once he left I'd cry and cry and cry. I even remember him saying one time, "I can't wait until you're not a virgin anymore so I can put it in." and he also said "when your husband takes your virginity let me know so i can put it in there" and I remember thinking that's so disgusting!! why the **** would I ever let you do that?!
I started slowly rebelling.. but he made it hard. He would tell me to meet him in the room upstairs and I remember I didn't want to go. I stayed where I was at and watched tv. Then after a couple mins he said are you coming and I said no and he would get mad and ignore me. He never yelled or hit me.. he just ignored me and made me feel bad/guilty for not doing what he wanted. Sometimes I would feel relieved I didn't give in, but the times I did was mostly because I was more scared. I remember telling myself over and over again.. year after year.. next year I'll be a year older and I'll be braver and stand up to him and say no.. but every year came and went.. and I was no braver.. I felt like a failure.
Then around 10th grade I wanted to use the internet and I remember him saying, "well what will you give me?" and i didnt understand what he meant by it. and i said i dont know. Then he said "Well you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. You want something you have to give me something too" (till this day I ******* hate that saying.) There were times i said "never mind then" and he would get all upset and there were times I gave in because I really wanted to use the computer. (Looking back I can't believe I gave in)
When I started saying no more and rebelling I felt good until I found out he was using my sister in my stead. Then I felt angry and guilty because if I gave in more he would've left her alone. How I found out about this was when I couldn't find my sister in the house. I was calling for her and when I went upstairs towards my other little sibling's room, he came walking out and said "I thought you were your mom" and i said "i cant find ____" and she pops out of the room and I look up at him and he has the nerve to say to me "Since you're not giving it to me, I have to get it somewhere else." Till this ******* day I want to punch the **** out of him for saying that to me. In that moment, I looked at him shocked and I decided from that day on.. I would give in more so he would leave her alone. That's what I did and he left her alone more so I was happy about that.
I finally confronted my sister about it and she wouldn't talk to me. She would say I don't want to talk about it or nothing go to sleep. But I said to her, its happening to me too. She looked at me and said it is? We cried and cried and talked about everything that was happening. I had never felt so close to my sister knowing that we shared the same fears and hurt. We made a promise to talk to each other more.
12th grade.. MY WHOLE WORLD FELL APART AROUND ME and our family has never been the same.
My sister had told a friend about the things that happened to her. They told their parents about it and one day social services came to the house. Some lady came asking my mother questions and wanted to talk to my sister. My mother got angry and told the lady to leave. My sister rushed into the house and found me in our room. She was crying saying the lady said someone contacted them about her and was asking her questions and that her friend's parents had reported it. She was sobbing so hard, afraid and saying that she spoke to our mom. She asked me what do we do? I felt like the whole world stood still. I couldn't believe that it was all happening now. Something I thought I would take to my grave had just been thrust out into the open and became real.
My mom came into our room after the lady left. She saw us sitting on the floor and my sister was crying on my lap and i was just hugging her trying to calm her down. My mother's face when she looked at us.. i can't even.. she looked at us and asked "why is that lady here? what does she want?" and my sister sobbed harder. I knew I had to finally tell my mother something I never thought I would have to say. I couldn't get the words out.. it was like trying to speak with a rubber ball stuck in your throat. My mom looked helpless and said "Please tell me!" and I finally let it out slowly then just blurted "Dad's been touching us!" and my sister started sobbing harder and hugging me harder with her face turned away and I started crying so hard and my mom's face.. I had never seen her look like that. She looked so heart broken and helpless. I saw all my mother's strength just leave her and she asked "why didnt you ever tell me!?" and I said "We were too afraid, we didnt think you'd believe us!" I cried harder and harder. I finally said it. After all those years of pretending we were this happy family, that everything was alright. That whole life of everything's fine just shattered and the truth of our lives was all around us.
She said to us "You're from my body, I will protect you. He is just my husband, but you are my kids! You come from me, you're my blood. I dont care about him!" That was the first time I ever felt like she really did love us and the first time she ever told us how she felt. I felt like this wall was just torn down between me, my mom and my sister. That we were all finally on the same page and I can't completely express the feeling of complete chaos, relief, fear and confusion about everything because she finally knew. My biggest nightmare come to life when everything came out.
There's more to this story.. the aftermath and what not. I'm not ready to talk about it just yet. This is all I can muster for one day. I will write about the rest of what happened.. I don't know when. Just, not yet.
By:
SecretsHere
Age:
22-25
