Step Brothers and Cousin

I don't really remeber when my sexual abuse started. I know I was still in diapers and it happened until I was five. I was assalted by three out of my five step-brothers. One of them also tried to kill me by throwing me head-first of the top floor of our two story house. Later I was molested by my female cousin who said if I told people would be mad at me and think I was a lesbian. Not that I judge lesbians. With all the hurt men cause, I can't really blame them for seeking a woman partner. I've suffered throughout my childhood and adolescent years with many problems such as paranoia that someone is watching me constantly and waiting to rape me again. I used to sleep with a bat right by my side, my bedroom door locked, and my window shut tight and locked as well. It helped when I got my big dogs, Bo and Sadie. They are our guard dogs. I'm 17 years old and because of the abuse, I struggle with trusting people, am TERRIFIED that I will marry a rapist and put my children and myself through the abuse again and have tried to commit suicide twice. My father died after reporting the abuse on my sixth birthday as well. I've struggled with eating disorders, depression, and cutting throughout my lifetime and am finally getting help from a counselor who doesn't bull**** me and tell me he understands. He is encouraging me to write a novel about my horrific experiences with my rapists. It angers me that rapists are either sentenced to prison and then released or like mine was, just sentenced to therapy. He tried to work with little kids again so I testified against him at 13. I saw he had a wedding ring and it kills me to think he might have children. Why didn't I do more? Why didn't the government? He took my life and gets to live his free of anguish? He gets to ruin other kids' lives? Where's the justice in that? 

christellarose christellarose
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Keep writing and keep speaking, people will listen. Most of the general public will ignore sexual abuse when it involves a family member. Sexual abuse is so common, yet no one talks about it. 1 in 10 girls are sexually abused and over 90% of the sexual abuse comes from someone close to them. America is working on breaking the silence, we need people like you to speak up and share.

Therapy will help, just don't be in a rush. You will learn more about yourself, and to trust yourself, and then, while you can expect to always have issues, you will learn to trust others. My best wishes for you and your future happiness.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm proud that you even had the courage to speak out and get atleast something done. That still takes a lot of courage and you must be a very strong person. Keep looking forward and hope for the best and believe there is beautiful people out there who will care and love you and aren't sick. I've only just confided in my boyfriend and he is amazing about it all. You just know when someone has a beautiful soul within when you've seen that much evil you know what it looks like. My father is a picture perfect father and was a hardcore churchie but i see that evil in his eyes. I believe you can sense this evil too so don't be too petrified you'll meet someone like that and marry them :)

I know it is sad isn't it. My father sexually, physically and verbally assulted me for 10 yrs before at 16 had the courage to leave. i never told a soul for along time and now am regretting it because he has 2 little kids a girl and a boy I only pray to god it doesn't happen to them.

I am so sorry that all of that happened to you. You have<br />
really had a hard life. I hope that you life gets so much better. It is good that you are getting help. Stay strong.<br />
You have so much to offer. Love Debby