Four Years In Hell...

This story breaks my heart, but it is one i need to tell.

I was 9 years old. my mom had just married my step dad in Sept. 1992. I was in the wedding. I was upset that my dad had left, and i wanted someone to fill his space. The day after Christmas, my step dad "touched" me for the first time. we were the only ones home. i tried to tell my mom, but she didn't want to hear. For the next few months, the "touching" became a whole lot more. The day before my birthday (which was his) he had sex with me for the first time. I turned 10 the next day. It became a weekily occurrance, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how much time we had "alone" together in the house. I would try to back away from the "activities" and when that happened, i would get less attention from him if any at all. So i would go back, just so i could feel loved in some way...

He died when i was 13. It was August 26, 1996. My heart sang for joy that day. But i was burrened with the fact that i had to play the part of grieving for someone who caused me so much pain. I could not even tell anyone then, my mom was still in utter denial of anything like that ever happening. He was a good christian man. I don't say this to make fun of anyone's religion. I say this because that is the answer my mom gave me when i tried to talk about it.

Somewhere in my heart, i still somehow miss it. It is weird, as much as i hated him, i wanted him to "show" me "love" Even when he died, i was still attached somehow. to wanting him back. I no longer miss him, i have realized that i do have love in my life,and i don't need sex or anything else to know that. i am me and i love me today.

i posted this story for others to know that someone will listen and help. you may have to go to more than one person or choose that person carefully. Just because one person didn't listen, it doesn't mean no one will listen. It may not be wise to try to tell your parents first. This is true when your parent is in denial that the other one is doing it. or it may be someone else that is abusing you. if you don't think people will think you are lying, go to someone you trust. don't give up if you are being abused! don't stop looking until you find someone that can help it stop.

you may not be able to make it stop by yourself, especially if it is an adult, go to someone for help.


scarlettered scarlettered
22-25, F
4 Responses Feb 9, 2009

.....I am a child abuse survivor,
My father is a verbally abusive maniac.......

So I went to the wrong person about my childhood abuse,
And my teacher at school ended up sexually abusing me,
Abusing the trust position and love I gave her.......

Yes maybe children will do anything for love or rather attention,
And would put up with abuse to get it,
It is just that they don't know the difference between love and abuse or love and attention getting at that stage,
Making them even more fragile................

I completely understand what you mean. I am new to this site and feel compelled to tell my story but can't find the courage as of yet. But knowing that i'm not the only one who loved/hated their step father the way i did is somehow comforting. My abuse started at age 11 and ended at 17 when i left home for good.

I completly agree these evil people took away our childhood and because it started when we were young we just thought its what happened

just reading that post made me cry. it was so honest and real. It's hard for me to realize that i can reach out to people to help them with what they are going through by sharing my experiences with them. I learned something from a book i read: Shared pain is lessened and shared joy is increased. i am starting to see how true that is. Thank you for your post. I would like to talk to you more. <br />

Scarletettered. I am so sorry that this happened to you. My heart and prayers go out to you. My heart goes out to you even more so, for having the courage to share your story with others. My heart was filled with joy, reading about how Alice03 reached out to you in such a positive, honest and caring way. I love reading. It is such a warm and comforting feeling to me. I too, learn a lot when I read them. I'm glad that you learned something from the book: Shared pain is lessened &amp; Shared joy is increased. As painful as things were during that time of your life, I'm happy that you decided to share your story with others. There are soooo many people out there who are either not strong enough or not ready to share their story of sexual abuse. I believe that when others read your story, it will be a tremendous help to them! Thank you and GOD Bless You!

Hi Scarlettered,<br />
Your story moved me so much...<br />
<br />
I think it is only normal that you missed your step father even if he abused of you. The one and only thing a child wants is attention and love: there's nothing a child wouldn't do to get them. Also, children are biologically 'programmed' to accept as good (even ideal) the family situation they get. As a kid isn't capable and doesn't have the power to change the external reality he or she will accept it as ideal in order to survive. But, naturally, human beings are born with a sense of what is healthy and natural and what is not. They are also born with an unrequited request for love.<br />
So, when kids feel that they are not receiving enough love ( or not in a healthy manner, as in your case), they will think that the discomfort and crave for love they're experiencing is wrong. They will think to be the ones in fault. Not the parent. They will think to be the bad ones.<br />
<br />
In a case of abuse, as yours, it must be very painful and ambivalent for you: your desire for love was 100%righteous. You mustn't think yourself guilty in the least way. Even if you think that you should have stopped it, that you "went back" for him. <br />
My god, if that was the only true love and attention you were getting, even if it had to come in the form of sexual abuse, you simply HAD to rely upoun it. You needed love to SURVIVE!And your desire for it was natural and it will always be natural.<br />
<br />
He was wrong in abusing you, but don't you ever think you were wrong to put up with it!<br />
<br />
It is not surprising that you developed an eating disorder after the loss of your step father. Food is the grandest metaphor for love in our psychological lives. <br />
Your experience with love until then "imprinted" you with a series of misleading assumptions: first of all during the years you were abused you learnt that love doesn't come without a price. That asking for love is something bad, because it leads to abuse( something sinful, dirty etc). <br />
So, you still needed love and appeasement and you couldn't find it anywhere else but food. You felt guilty about your desire for love=food/fulfillment because in your head it lead to guilt=fat/sin. So you purged. <br />
<br />
The only way to get out from it is to realize that your desire for love and fullfilment IS RIGHTFUL!There is and there wasn't any guilt. Food won't make you fat, it'll make you strong to deal with all the millions challenges of life. Wanting and receiving love won't make you sinful, it'll make you survive (we don't survive without love), and it will make your life worth living. You don't have to conceal you desire for love in food consummed in secret: ASK FROM LIFE AND REALITY TO SATISFY YOU REALLY AND TRULY!ASK FOR LOVE, ATTENTION AND CARE, YOU DESERVE THEM AND YOU DESERVE THEM TO COME NOT IN A HURTFULL WAY!<br />
<br />
Recovery is hard.<br />
To let down a symptom as bulimia is very difficult for the mind because a symptom is similar to a cry for help by the soul and the soul doesn' t want to shut up. She wants answers, satisfaction. It is hard to let our soul understand that letting go of bulimia doesn't mean we won't listen to her discomfort. The solution is listening to your cry for love and satisfy it. Recognaize your dissatisfaction and realize thet you ARE RIGHT wanting more. Only, it is not food the answer.<br />
<br />
In my experience the only way to recover from bulimia is to find a good therapist who be able to take your discomfort from a sublimized level (food) to your conscience , so that you'll be able to start really nourishing you soul. In reality and life.<br />
<br />
I'm 26, so pretty much your age, and I have a story similar to yours, even if I come from far away (but I live in NY). I'd love to speak more with you.<br />
Take care, Scarlettered.<br />
I hope I was of some help.<br />
Even from your few posts one can tell that you're an amazing person. Bright. Smart. Sensitive.<br />
You deserve the best of life, give yourself a chance to ask and get it...

This was an EXCELLENT post! This gave some AMAZING insight on mixed feelings of sexual abuse. I believe that this will help "scarletettered" tremendously with what she went through. I'm sure that this post alone with also be a help to others who have gone through similar situations in their lives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Alice. You have a lot of wisdom for a woman of 26 and you are to be commended for that! When you talk, people will listen! :-)