I Wanted To Move On

I've been abused by my uncle as well,i was 7 at that time,my mom and sisters are not home,it was around 6pm,my uncle,who was around 18 at that time dropped by in our home,(they lived next door with my grannies).
That's whre the hell of my life started.
It was gloomy evening,going to rain,i was in the shower(my uncle was at the hall and i told him i'll just go for a shower,he was watching tv,he just nod,as if concentrated on the show).
I was half way done,when he stepped in to the shower room,locking the door and approached me with a fierce demonic look,i was shocked,i wanted to shout,he put hhis hand in my mouth,covering it,and grab my neck and whispered 'i will break your neck if you make any sound'.
I was so scared,my tears are flooding down my cheeks,i felt it was the end of the world,
I was naked and still wet,he began kissing my neck,his hands are touchhing me all over,i am chlling,shivering i closed my eyes and pretended nothing is happenng,then he begun to touch my private,inserting his finger in,it hurts (i can still remember how it felt like and i really hated why i still have this memory!)he put his finger into his mouth and again put it into my private,i am shacking,crying but seems that i cant do anything,he was big and tall,and i was small and short.
When he stopped fingering me,i thought it was over,but he just paused to remove his pants and boxer,exposing his penis,thats the first time i saw that thing,it was standing,the he came close,i turned my back to him,he grabbed my hair and ask me to put that thing into my mouth,i refused i was punching him,then again,he grabbed my neck more tighter,he forced my head down and my mouth to that thing.
as if he was possesed,he was moaning while pulling and pushing my head and my mouth against that thing of him,i was really really scared and shaking,i feelt so cold.
He was murmoring some words that wasnt clear,but it sounds like you do better than your sister,it made my eyes grew big!but i didnt seem to understand it that much at that time.
When he stop,again,my mouth was like slapped a hundred times,i thought,thank you God its over,he asked me to grab the towel hanging in that rack,i was a bit releived i really thought he will let me out,never did i imagined what he will do.
He asked me to lay the towel on the floor and then i will lay on it,i asked him with a broken voice "why uncle" he said "just do it" with that fierce demonic look.
Wondering why he asked me that,i did it,and thenhe pushed me down to my back,he was grabbing my private and forcing his thing to it,its hurting a lot,i was crying loudly,he slapped my face,i was terrefied,i endure the pain and he begun doing his thing.
I remember him gushing like possesed and moving very fast,it really hurts now,like my body was ripped off,i asked him to stop,please please it hurts,please,but he seems not hearing anything.
Then finally,he stopped.
I remebered there was a white fishy stuff all over my private,he asked me to get up and clean the mess,terrified i followed his order,he was cleaning himself and before leaving me in that shower room,he told me,if you tell anybody about this i will kill you and your sisters and your cat too.
Fearing he would do so,i nod with a head down,crying,shaking,then he left.
It was just 35mins but that moment felt like the longest hour ever.
I showered again,i sat there under the running water,i was shaking,and my private hurts,it was swolen,it really hurts and its bleeding.
I sat there for i think about an hour,crying,wondering what just had happenned,i was blur,it was dark and cold..till i heard knocks it was my mom,she's calling my name,saying we're home,hurry up there and we have something for you.
i suddenly seem to wake up from what seemed to be a nightmare,i stood up,grab the towel and left the shower room,met my mom and sisters and pretended nothing has happened,the sick bastard was still there,in the couch watching tv,talking and joking with my mom like,i cant look at him,i was too scared.
The following days are dooms day for me,i have blood spots on my panties but i wash them quickly cause i'm afraid someone will see it,and i always have nightmares.
That sick bastard went abroad for few months,the time he came back,,we moved to different place..i remained quite for few years but i cried almost every night,im still having nigt mares.
And then on christmas eve(after 5 years),familys gathered together,i was 12 that time,he came with grana and grandpa and other aunt he was 21,he is taller now and bigger.
When i saw his face,it was like an instant flashback to me,then again,i was scared.
Dinner time came,and everybody was happy,laughing and cheering,i was silent in a corner,trying to get away from them,and when all of a sudden,he was there in front of me,he was smiling wickedly and asked me in a low voice,'your grown up now,you still remember what we did before?do u wanna do it again?i know you liked it and your waiting for it.'
I was empty,i'm speechless,i wanted to killed just right away,all this time i was trying to forgot those disgusting nightmares,but here is this demon reminding me about it.
He then,slide away,leaving me with awink.
I hated him soo much!i wished that he would just vanish.
Then bedtime came,when everybody retired to bed(he and grannies stayed with us that night) i was half sleep half awake,i was sharing room with my older sis,she didnt locked the door when she came in later,she was alseep when that bastard came in,i saw his shadow even it was dark,i was alarmed,but i became stiff,he then open his mobile for a light and i knew he was looking for me,he spotted my slippers on the left side of the room(my bed was at left side),turning off his phone,he walk slowly towards my bed,i was so stiff,i wanna hide,i wanna run,but i cant move,i wanna shout but i can't,why?
And then he sat in my bed,started to creep his hands,i was still stiff,pretending to be sleeping,he slipped his hand on to my pj and grab my private,i grabbed his hands and i said no please stop,but he grab my hand with his other hand,so stromg that it almost broke my fingers,saying'shh'dont wake them up,you will be in trouble.
My horror begun again,in just few minutes,my bastard uncle is raping me again!i was weeping in silence,i can't do anything,what should i do,he was pushing and pulling his thing in and out of my private,this time doesnt hurt that much,and theres this disgudting feeling that i kinda liking that sensation.damn,whenever i remembered it i felt disgusted and want to throw up.
I was silent untill he was done leaving me that fishy smelling white stuff now in my breast and tummy.

When he left,i was numb,was really numb,i hated myself,i hated him,so much,i wanted to go down and just stab him to death,but i was frozen.

And so on,my hell life continued after that horror night,they left on the next day,i didnt even came out from my room to kiss grannies goodbye cuase i dont wanna see the bastard.

Now im 25,still its haunting me,this is the first time i ever let this dirty secret out,i told no one and still unclear to me what i heard that night when he murmored you do better than your sister,i was too afraid too ask,too afraid to tell.
I lived my life everyday with hatred in my heart,he never brought to justice nor anybody knew about it,my grannies passed away,and so my mom,he is married now with 3 kids.
I hope he will never do anything to his own child,and i wish my memory will just vanish like amnesia so i can start a new life again.

I'm still feeling the pain,i still taste the tear of my own,im still haunted by a horrific past.

i'm sorry i i wrote too long,this is the first time im letting this out..i felt emotional while typing this,i found this place recently and i thought i can let everything out..my fear,my nightmares.
thank you for reading.
lady2012 lady2012
22-25, F
Nov 28, 2012