My Past, My Present, My Future

The first time I was sexually assaulted was in Hard Rock Cafe with my family. I was about 9 or 10, I don't really remember. We were sitting at the bar (I was drinking a Sprite). The guy who did it was a drunk sitting a few seats next to us. Sadly, it was not my father who came to my rescue, but the bartender. He was definitely my Guardian Angel. 


It happened again a little after I had just turned 16. I had been having a crappy year in the first place, so I was in a bit of a slump. I had agreed to study abroad, just for a change of scenery. Guess that kind of backfired on me. My host family was having a party and somehow an uncle caught me alone. Well, needless to say, that was a huge downer on the trip. Especially since I saw him everyday (he worked at my families house). 


I am now 18 years old, but a friend of the family told me I had the mindset of a 39 year old. 


Today I had a conversation with my father, stating I felt older than I am, yet at the same time I felt as if I had the innocence of a child. 


I can't help but be bothered by this. I want to grow and yet these two events seem to interject these plans. 


I recently had someone, who I had never met before, tell me that I would never drink or party because I'm just "too innocent."


Now, while I don't party that often and I only drink socially (and even then sometimes), I am still a college student. 


What would I give to be innocent again? What would I give to be pure? I guess I wouldn't give anything. I am pure, in the sense that I have been born again. Nevertheless, I blush at even the idea of kissing someone, I flinch at the slightest touch, I tense in the most intimate of moments.. but it doesn't mean I don't want it. I just don't know what to do in those situations. I've avoided even the slightest of touching for years now cause my body has rejected it. But now I'm getting over all of it. I'm on the path of moving on. 


Not really sure where I was going with this. Guess I just needed to rant. 

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3 Responses Jul 10, 2010

That last paragraph is me - you just beautifully put into words but I couldn't understand or phrase myself. I can't give any advice as I don't know how to deal with this myself - wanting affection and love so badly but feeling incapable of receiving it - but you are so not alone.

I was molested at 9 by my uncle. I never kissed a guy til I was 18. I wish to 4get and never remember.

Have you seen a psychologist, therapist, counselor, etc? Sometimes the body and mind can not let go of the trauma events that happen in one's life and a professional can help the mind and body let go of that trauma and move on. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the abuse, it is not something that I would ever wish on anyone. *hugs* I'm here if you need me love, I wish you the best in healing and in life.<br />
With Love,<br />