Determining Responsibility

It was very long back that all this happened.I have more questions than answers - would like responsible comments. My life depends on it.
Here goes

I have been in love with the person I am married to for 25 years now. My parents were opposed to the marriage.They pressurized me to get married to someone of their choice- I refused and committed suicide. I was saved- dont know whether that was good or bad because there was so much more suffering in store for me.Then I was held captive in my grandfathers village for one and half years. This happened ten years back.
I was a qualified doctor with dreams in my eyes- wanted to marry the love of my life and I was forced to live for one n half years without contact with outside world- no calls, friends, outings, no life. My self esteem was broken. I was depressed- lost my sense of identity. Felt so let down by my parents and brothers. I could not go out alone ever. The only person who could take me out to library, get me some things was a younger cousin (18 yr old then) who made sexual advances towards me. I resisted for some time and then gave in to the pleasure of touch. He was very caring and gentle. If I resisted he would not talk and withhold my privileges- no television,belittle me in presence of others. I could nt tell anyone . They wouldnt beleive me. There were other people. I couldnt trust anyone and they all beleived I had slept with my boyfriend which I had not. My cousin would touch me, get me to a point where I could not say no and I have to admit that the touch and care was a relief. Otherwise days and life were bleak. I was depressed wouldnt eat/ would keep sleeping/lying in bed for hours and hours.I lost weight from a healthy 54 kgs to 45 kgs. I was resigned to the situation. Things progressed - he would touch me and I would touch him.Things reached a point where I had physical relations with him- some seven times.
Then chance presented itself and I was free. I married the man I loved and chose not to tell him all this sexual stuff. I was a virgin on my wedding night. I have two beautiful children with him now. we have a good life but it has become very complicated presently because I ended up telling my husband everything that happened out there in captivity. He feels if so much had happened I shouldnt have married him. I cheated on him. I also hold myself responsile for not having been strong enough to resist the advances when they came and for not having been strong enough to tell my husband before marriage. It was hard admitting all this even now.

There was no physical force involved but coercion was, psychological games were. I was very vulnerable.

HOW RESPONSIBLE SHOULD I FEEL FOR THIS? I HAVE FELT GUILTY SO I COULD NEVER TALK ABOUT IT. BUT NOW THAT I HAVE I FEEL LIGHTER BUT MY HUSBAND IS HAVING A HARD TIME HE BELEIVES IT WAS CHEATING, BETRAYAL!!

I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND WANT TO BE FAIR TO HIM- DID I CHEAT ON HIM?
satyamshivamsundaram satyamshivamsundaram
36-40, F
May 16, 2012