I Survived By The Grace Of God.

I have never told my full story before; detail for detail. I believe it is time to let my voice be heard in order to stop the violence, and to ease my heart and mind of these terrors, as I have to retell my story in court soon.

I have a twin brother, Eric, in whom we had mutual best friends of Josh, Chris, Brian and Jacqui. Jacqui was still away at college, Eric and Josh had been in Florida on vacation, Chris was on leave from the Marines and was staying with Brian. We thought it would be fun to have a movie night, so I parked my car and the boys met me at the store in town. I told my parents I was going to Alysha's because they were not happy that we were friends with Chris. Brian and Chris picked me up and we went to Brian's house. We picked Paranormal Activity to watch, and set up in Brian's room. Brian was in his bed, Chris on one side of the futon and I on the other. I began to get a migraine so I took a headache pill and asked the boys if they could wake me when the movie was done; they said yes and I fell asleep on the floor. This is when it happened. I opened my eyes but saw nothing, there was a silence from the television but I could hear the heavy breathing, I felt a chill in the room but also felt a body on top of me. I grabbed for my phone but He wouldn't get off. What was going on? Where was I? My pants were down to my ankles, I had scratch marks on my stomach and down below, my bra was undone and there was a blanket on top of me, on top of us. I screamed, I asked what was going on. He told me "You have been with everyone else, now it is my turn with you" and he tried to kiss me. I felt disgusted. I sobbed. I kicked him off in to a wall and opened the door. It was so dark in the house, I ran in to the bathroom to see what I looked like. Who was this? I didn't recognize myself, I wasn't sure if this was real. Then I ran down stairs crying and ran in to Brian's dad's office, right in to Brian's arms. I told him what had happened. He told me Chris asked him to go get them drinks, and he had only been gone a few minutes, six or seven at the most. Within those six or seven minutes, my life changed.
I got in the car with Brian, and was dropped back off at my car. I was shaking, I could hardly think straight. I called Eric and Josh, sent a text to both, neither answered. Of course not. It was 11:00 at night and they were in Florida. I called Kaelin, she answered and I told her I had been sexually assaulted. She talked with me the entire way home, and when I got home I had to collect myself, and prayed that my parents were sleeping. They were, my brother Cameron was home. I told him something bad happened and that I needed to shower. I was in there an hour, trying like hell to get the filth and the smell and the must off of me. It didn't work. I felt disgusted, used, betrayed. He was such a good friend in high school, we had double dated at prom my junior year, and had spent countless nights at the skate park with the group.
I left all the lights on in the bathroom, I curled up in to a ball and cried. I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I prayed it was a nightmare, a terror of some sort. What happened? I looked through my phone. A call and text from both Josh and Eric. I told them I had been assaulted but didn't tell them who, I was embarrassed and afraid. Afraid of what they would do to Chris. Embarrassed that I had let this happen to me, maybe it was a punishment for lying to my parents. The boys were on their way home, and I was to go get Eric from Josh's house. I had to drive past Brian's house to get there, and seeing the yellow house sent me spiraling downhill, and fast. I was crying, shaking, my body hated me. I hated me. I remember getting to the house and seeing the boys with blank expressions. Eric didn't know what to say, and Josh stood there in the drive way, hugging me and telling me that Chris would pay. It took my two weeks to tell my mom. How could I explain to her that I had lied to her and dad? What would she do? I e-mailed her and let it flow. She still doesn't know everything, but she promised she wouldn't tell my dad. To this day, my dad has no idea.
Brian and his family kicked Chris out, and two days later he went to back to the Marines. On the 15th of every month for six months I would get a text "hey, remember what happened that night?" After the texts had stopped, I pushed everything away. Day by day it seemed to get more livable. I hadn't had a boyfriend for the three years leading up to the assault. But who would date me now? I hated myself. I hated what happened. I hated who it made me become, that I lost myself in the process. I hated that someone so close to me could do that, and think it was okay. I hated that I had never told anyone the entire story, not even the cops. I hated how my brain and heart shut down. I was depressed, but I couldn't let anyone see. I didn't want to be "that girl" who needed medication or therapy to be okay. I decided I would take care of myself, sense there would be no guy who would want to be with someone after this.
Seven months after it happened, I told a friend, Jarrod, the basic details of my experience. Jarrod was the first person aside from my very close friends that knew. I told him I couldn't watch movies without the lights on, and realized how crazy it sounded. He never judged me, but from then on I didn't let anyone else in on what had happened, because I was sure I sounded nuts. I kept quiet. What would my friends think? What would my parents and family think? Who could love someone who had been so damaged, so messed up?
Two days short of the year 'anniversary' of what had happened, I was asked out by the most amazing guy. He knew some of what had happened, I had let him know in the slightest that I had been assaulted and could not watch movies in the dark. He was caring, he said he understood and said he would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. We were moving in to an apartment together and for a week before we were to be living together, I had nightmares that Chris would be at the apartment outside the window in the middle of the night, because Brock was working third shift. I realized then that I needed to shut everything down again, that I needed to repress the memories because I wasn't going to let this ruin me. If he saw that I was unstable, how could he be with me? How could he be with someone who was so stuck in the past, that she was having nightmares even while things were going so well?
He and I broke up six months later, a week and a half ago from tonight. Five days after the break up, I received a call that I needed to tell my story again in court. I dropped the phone and stared crying. I couldn't go through this alone, I tried to reach out, but nothing. I had pushed him too far away. I hated myself even more.
Flashbacks. Everything. That night. His touch, the cold, the heaviness, the headache, the pain, the hatred, the look in his eye, the sound of his voice, saying I had done this to myself. Calling me a *****. I had done so well for so long, thinking that nothing would make me relive what I had gone through that night. But truth be told, although I am shaking and crying while writing this, I am blessed with the ability to convey my message.
I have learned who my true friends are, I have learned that there are so many others out there with a story like mine. My aunt, a friend. It is the most heart breaking thing I have had to go through, and even though the one person I would like to be there, isn't, I realize I am not alone. I will never be alone. I have opened myself up to those around me at my most vulnerable stage, right now, and I can only ask for acceptance.
Yes, I still hate myself. Yes, I still blame myself. No, I don't think that will ever change. No, I don't blame anyone in my past for what this has done to me.
KPhelps KPhelps
Dec 3, 2012