I Was Sexually Assaulted
http://www.avoiceformen.com/women/just-say-no-are-you-crazy/
Have you ever refused a woman’s sexual advances?I’ve said no to women who were too old, too young, too drunk, too fat, too thin, too smelly, and even too needy. Quite often I’ve said no for no clear reason that I can identify other than something seemed off or I just wasn’t interested. Once I even drove a woman 40 minutes to her apartment at 2 AM fully intending to spend the night – and then I drove away because I suddenly felt ill at ease – and I woke up with the flu the next morning.Saying “no” to a woman in any context is difficult to impossible for most men – we will literally die rather than fail to protect or service them. As Karen Straughn has pointed out, male politicians have catered to women’s needs and political demands long before women even got the vote – think Prohibition for example.Medically, having regular sex with a woman pregnant with your child seems to reduce the odds of dangerous complications like pre-eclampsia – meaning that, if a man refuses sex with a woman who was, is, or will be pregnant with his child, his “selfishness” is putting both mother and child’s lives at risk.( http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pre-eclampsia) Historically, a man who refused any of the needs of his babymomma was placing his children at risk, so evolution seems to select in favor of men who slavishly obey their womenfolk, particularly when it comes to sex-on-demand.Nowadays, however, college men are learning that if you say “yes” to sex with a woman who has been drinking, you are raping her, but if you say “no”, your reputation, your education, your future livelihood, and even your life can be destroyed at the woman’s whim: You’re gay. You’re a rapist. You drugged me. You’ve got a tiny ****. You hate women. Shut up, you privileged abuser. True or not, these allegations are real, unilateral power that women wield against men, and men have little defense other than walking away.In doing background research for this piece I read a lot of articles about the reasons a man might refuse to have sex with a willing or even demanding woman. I was not completely surprised that all the items I found referenced male sexual refusal only in the context of a long-term relationship.The idea that one can discuss why a man might refuse the sexual overtures of a new female partner seems almost like a social taboo – few are willing to entertain the radical notion that, even as the AIDS era approaches the end of its third decade, some lunatic, pathetic, yet straight man might set aside his horndog ways and resist the desires of a horny, needy woman. One man commented “You have got to be kidding me […] If I EVER turn down sex it’s because I’m in a COMA!!!”( http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/bad_habits/You_Say_No_to_Sex.php) The other thing you too rarely see is how women react to a man’s sexual rejection.Now, I’m no great prize as a man – I’m way too much of a geek and average-looking on my best day, but I do know how to keep my cool around women most of the time, and as I grow older and more distinguished looking, I do get unwanted offers and demands for sex on a regular basis from women I barely know.My most memorable refusal was of course the most traumatic one and over twenty years ago. After working as a computer programmer on mathematical projects for many years I was assigned a technically incompetent woman as a manager. “Terri” (an alias, as are all the names in this article) had no grasp of mathematics or computers, but in a high-pressure work culture where honesty and clarity was essential to success she was a master at covering her *** to explain away her many screw-ups and project failures. She started hitting on me almost immediately -Terri claimed I reminded her of the ex-husband she still pined for, and instead of letting me do my job, she tried to enlist me as a partner-in-crime in her scamming and ***-covering games.I was a hard-working, loyal employee and I was appalled at what she was doing to both me and the company. When I resisted her bullshit in favor of actually working, she cut off all my communications with my clients and other employees – if I had a technical question or needed a clarification, it had to go through her, and because she was a math idiot, I never got the answers I needed. I did get a ton of flirting and joking from a woman I increasingly couldn’t stand – after years my dream job had morphed into a nightmare in less than a month.Finally, after another frustrating, unproductive day, Terri and I were the last ones left in the office, and she asked me out to dinner “to talk about things.” I refused; I kept my work and social life separate, and I told her that I found her disgusting and unprofessional.The very next morning she called me into her office for a “surprise” performance review – the first and only negative review I ever received. I was hoping to get fired, but that would have marked Terri as a failed manager for losing an employee who was up to that point considered a hero to the company – I should note that this was in the early 1990′s when the idea of a man filing a sexual harassment claim was unthinkable (and in a lot of ways it still is).I left the company shortly thereafter, and then in my new job (under a competent female boss, thank god) I started hiring away all the other male programmers working under Terri – to a man, they were happy to get out. Less than a month had passed when I started calling on the last and least experienced novice programmer they had left; they gave him an instant 20% salary boost and another manager (“Bob”) called me and asked me why I was damaging them like that. I told him the whole story; soon, Terri was blacklisted and permanently ******** of all her remaining employees.Then, for good measure, I hired Bob away from them, too. The entire product line we had worked on was soon dead and their entire division was gone in less than a year later.I now own my own (non-computer) business in a struggling, artsy-fartsy entertainment district in a major city. At over 8 years mine is one of the longest-surviving businesses still there. I am expected to be a friendly, public “face” for my customers and regulars and while I don’t mind this at all, I do get approached by a lot of women, many of them tipsy and half my age or less. It is not unusual at all for me to be kissed, hugged and even more aggressively approached 4-6 times an evening. Most of the time I can painlessly deflect them by saying things like “it was good to meet you” and “let me know if you need anything else” but at least six times in the last year things have gotten ugly.The first woman I refused, “Angel”, mid-twenties, former cheerleader, unwed mom of two kids by two different dads, just wanted “to take me home and fool around”. I declined politely and she seemed to take it in stride, but I soon found out from other female friends that she was complaining that I must be gay because no man had ever turned her down before. One dear friend of mine took it upon herself to set Angel straight – “I’ve seen Auggie with several beautiful women and I also know from personal experience he is NOT gay.”The second woman, “Beth”, also mid-twenties, said that she had a crush on me, and considering her girth, I believed her – she called me gay to my face when I refused to have sex with her 250 lb, nominally Christian *** (that had already been through her second abortion). My response to her was, “well, as it happens, I wasn’t gay until I met you.” At the time I thought this was a clever rejoinder, but on reflection I concluded it carries a subtext of homophobia that was not accurate in expressing my intent.By the time the third woman, “Chris”, early thirties and quite fetching, called me gay I had perfected my response: “Although I love my gay brothers, I am only sexually attracted to women who aren’t homophobic ******* like you.” Although she was stunned into silence, Chris still hits
Have you ever refused a woman’s sexual advances?I’ve said no to women who were too old, too young, too drunk, too fat, too thin, too smelly, and even too needy. Quite often I’ve said no for no clear reason that I can identify other than something seemed off or I just wasn’t interested. Once I even drove a woman 40 minutes to her apartment at 2 AM fully intending to spend the night – and then I drove away because I suddenly felt ill at ease – and I woke up with the flu the next morning.Saying “no” to a woman in any context is difficult to impossible for most men – we will literally die rather than fail to protect or service them. As Karen Straughn has pointed out, male politicians have catered to women’s needs and political demands long before women even got the vote – think Prohibition for example.Medically, having regular sex with a woman pregnant with your child seems to reduce the odds of dangerous complications like pre-eclampsia – meaning that, if a man refuses sex with a woman who was, is, or will be pregnant with his child, his “selfishness” is putting both mother and child’s lives at risk.( http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pre-eclampsia) Historically, a man who refused any of the needs of his babymomma was placing his children at risk, so evolution seems to select in favor of men who slavishly obey their womenfolk, particularly when it comes to sex-on-demand.Nowadays, however, college men are learning that if you say “yes” to sex with a woman who has been drinking, you are raping her, but if you say “no”, your reputation, your education, your future livelihood, and even your life can be destroyed at the woman’s whim: You’re gay. You’re a rapist. You drugged me. You’ve got a tiny ****. You hate women. Shut up, you privileged abuser. True or not, these allegations are real, unilateral power that women wield against men, and men have little defense other than walking away.In doing background research for this piece I read a lot of articles about the reasons a man might refuse to have sex with a willing or even demanding woman. I was not completely surprised that all the items I found referenced male sexual refusal only in the context of a long-term relationship.The idea that one can discuss why a man might refuse the sexual overtures of a new female partner seems almost like a social taboo – few are willing to entertain the radical notion that, even as the AIDS era approaches the end of its third decade, some lunatic, pathetic, yet straight man might set aside his horndog ways and resist the desires of a horny, needy woman. One man commented “You have got to be kidding me […] If I EVER turn down sex it’s because I’m in a COMA!!!”( http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/bad_habits/You_Say_No_to_Sex.php) The other thing you too rarely see is how women react to a man’s sexual rejection.Now, I’m no great prize as a man – I’m way too much of a geek and average-looking on my best day, but I do know how to keep my cool around women most of the time, and as I grow older and more distinguished looking, I do get unwanted offers and demands for sex on a regular basis from women I barely know.My most memorable refusal was of course the most traumatic one and over twenty years ago. After working as a computer programmer on mathematical projects for many years I was assigned a technically incompetent woman as a manager. “Terri” (an alias, as are all the names in this article) had no grasp of mathematics or computers, but in a high-pressure work culture where honesty and clarity was essential to success she was a master at covering her *** to explain away her many screw-ups and project failures. She started hitting on me almost immediately -Terri claimed I reminded her of the ex-husband she still pined for, and instead of letting me do my job, she tried to enlist me as a partner-in-crime in her scamming and ***-covering games.I was a hard-working, loyal employee and I was appalled at what she was doing to both me and the company. When I resisted her bullshit in favor of actually working, she cut off all my communications with my clients and other employees – if I had a technical question or needed a clarification, it had to go through her, and because she was a math idiot, I never got the answers I needed. I did get a ton of flirting and joking from a woman I increasingly couldn’t stand – after years my dream job had morphed into a nightmare in less than a month.Finally, after another frustrating, unproductive day, Terri and I were the last ones left in the office, and she asked me out to dinner “to talk about things.” I refused; I kept my work and social life separate, and I told her that I found her disgusting and unprofessional.The very next morning she called me into her office for a “surprise” performance review – the first and only negative review I ever received. I was hoping to get fired, but that would have marked Terri as a failed manager for losing an employee who was up to that point considered a hero to the company – I should note that this was in the early 1990′s when the idea of a man filing a sexual harassment claim was unthinkable (and in a lot of ways it still is).I left the company shortly thereafter, and then in my new job (under a competent female boss, thank god) I started hiring away all the other male programmers working under Terri – to a man, they were happy to get out. Less than a month had passed when I started calling on the last and least experienced novice programmer they had left; they gave him an instant 20% salary boost and another manager (“Bob”) called me and asked me why I was damaging them like that. I told him the whole story; soon, Terri was blacklisted and permanently ******** of all her remaining employees.Then, for good measure, I hired Bob away from them, too. The entire product line we had worked on was soon dead and their entire division was gone in less than a year later.I now own my own (non-computer) business in a struggling, artsy-fartsy entertainment district in a major city. At over 8 years mine is one of the longest-surviving businesses still there. I am expected to be a friendly, public “face” for my customers and regulars and while I don’t mind this at all, I do get approached by a lot of women, many of them tipsy and half my age or less. It is not unusual at all for me to be kissed, hugged and even more aggressively approached 4-6 times an evening. Most of the time I can painlessly deflect them by saying things like “it was good to meet you” and “let me know if you need anything else” but at least six times in the last year things have gotten ugly.The first woman I refused, “Angel”, mid-twenties, former cheerleader, unwed mom of two kids by two different dads, just wanted “to take me home and fool around”. I declined politely and she seemed to take it in stride, but I soon found out from other female friends that she was complaining that I must be gay because no man had ever turned her down before. One dear friend of mine took it upon herself to set Angel straight – “I’ve seen Auggie with several beautiful women and I also know from personal experience he is NOT gay.”The second woman, “Beth”, also mid-twenties, said that she had a crush on me, and considering her girth, I believed her – she called me gay to my face when I refused to have sex with her 250 lb, nominally Christian *** (that had already been through her second abortion). My response to her was, “well, as it happens, I wasn’t gay until I met you.” At the time I thought this was a clever rejoinder, but on reflection I concluded it carries a subtext of homophobia that was not accurate in expressing my intent.By the time the third woman, “Chris”, early thirties and quite fetching, called me gay I had perfected my response: “Although I love my gay brothers, I am only sexually attracted to women who aren’t homophobic ******* like you.” Although she was stunned into silence, Chris still hits
By:
JackBarnesMRA
Age:
31-35
,
Male
