I Was Molested And Sexually Assulted.

I am a magnet for sexual abuse. I feel like it is my fault because it has happened more than once. These things don't happen to "normal" people. The first memory I have is when I was 10. I had started developing earlier than my peers. I was still an innocent child inside but was beginning to look more like a woman. We were visiting my Grandparents. My Grandfather and I were alone in the guest bedroom. I asked him to tickle me. I just liked being tickled, nothing more. Instead of tickling me he put his hands on my chest. I said, "I don't like it there". He did it again. I told my Mother. She said something similar had happened to her. I told my Grandmother. At first she ignored me. After I had told her a few times, she confronted my Grandfather right in front of me! She was nearly hysterical telling him exactly what I had said. Of course he denied it. I overheard them talking later saying I was just repeating something I must have learned about at school. A few days later when we were back home my Grandfather called me and told me not to say that he touched me. I said "OK". I was told that after what I had said my Grandfather had not "lost any affection" for me, like I was suppossed to be relieved and thankful after what I had accused him of. In the future when we would visit, he would try to give me a hug and my Grandmother would try to stop him saying, "Oh no, don't hug her". She was not trying to protect me, she was acting as if I didn't deserve his hug because of what I had accused him of. I hated it when he hugged me. I would freeze up. His hand would always rest on my bra in the back, leaning over talking to me, looking at my chest. I had so much anxiety, but would talk to him like everything was OK. No one ever noticed but me. Something just felt uncomfortable about his hand resting on the back of my bra for so long.
The second time was when I was a freshman in college. It was one of the first times I went dancing at a club. I went with a group of girls. The dance floor was packed. some guys came up behind me and stuck their hands down my pants and up inside me. I was paralyzed with fear. I didn't know what to do so I just went along with it. I looked around and realized it happened to one of the girls I was with. She was crying. I knew this wasn't right, but thought maybe this kind of thing was common. I never saw the faces of the men. Just felt their fingers inside me. I even pretended to enjoy it. It's so sick, I know. I was so clueless. I had forgotten about this for years. Then suddenly I remembered it yesterday. I became very depressed.
I have battled with depression and substance abuse for years. I have overdosed many times and been in the psych ward 3 times. I have been on medication, in therapy, in outpatient treatment many times. The depression was the worst it has ever been last year. I was unable to function. I couldn't take care of my daughter. My husband had to leave school to stay home with my daughter. I didn't know what was wrong with me. People kept telling me "It's not that bad", "It could be worse". No one, including myself knew what caused this deep depression. I wanted to die just to make the mental pain stop. I am now thinking that my depression may be caused by the sexual molestion/assults. I also grew up in a very stressful immediate family. My father was verbally abusive. My brother is schizo-effective. Growing up with my brother was hell. We always knew he was different, but he wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago. I am 31 and he is 27. I got drunk for the first time when I was 8, off wine on Thanksgiving. No one seemed to notice. I loved wine. My father had always given my a little beer since I was a baby so I guess I aquired a taste fo alcohol at a young age. Alcoholism runs in my family. I am an alcoholic. I have no self control. I started drinking and smoking pot on a regulat basis when I was 14. I was also introduced to huffing air freshner. I could have died many times. When I was 14, I would steal my parents wine and get drunk and go to dance class. Once my friend went with me. I remember during the break, us huffing air freshner in the corner. I guess I needed help at this point, but no one tried to help me, or noticed. We also drank cough syrup to get high. I haven't thought about these things in awhile. It's hard to realize how messed up I was at age 14. My best friend had invited me to a party at a friends house. We drank their alcohol and trashed the house. I didn't even think that what I was doing was wrong. I had my first sexual experience with a boy that night. I thought I loved him. We all got charged with breaking and entering. The boy comitted suicide. I was devastated. My mother didn't know what was going on. It was so hard. She was so clueless. My best friend got sent away to a group home. I hope she got the help she needed.
I hate it when people hug me. It makes me cringe. I have intimacy problems. My boyfriend in college would go out drinking and come home in the night and try to have his way with me. When I didn't want to, he would get so angry at me. My husband is frustrated because I can't show affection towards him. I don't get turned on. I don't want to have sex. Maybe it's a side effect from my antidepressants, or maybe I'm scarred from my past. He feels like he pays the price for my past. Sometimes I just want to die. I have a hard time with everything it seems. I have tried therapy many many times, but it has never helped. I cannot work outside the home because my anxiety around people is so high. I have tried many medications. Xanax is the only one that helped, but I kept mixing with alcohol and ending up in the hospital. On the outside I look like I have it all. I am an attractive, healthy looking person. I have a beautiful daughter, a nice house and a husband who loves me. Inside, I am tortured and un able to give my husband love. Thank god I am able to give my daughter affection. I have alot of anger towards my family. I feel like someone should have done a better job protecting me and preparing me for life. I could go on and on. I have tried everything to get emotionally healthy, but all I want to do is get "messed up". I guess I'll always be an addict.

p.s.
I just remembered my first true sexual experience was with a man introduced to me by a friend. I didn't know him, I didn't even like him. I let him have his way with me. I didn't want it to happen, but I let it happen. My friend was ******* her boyfriend in the same room. I thought if I didn't do it, she would make fun of me and he would be mad an embarassed if I didn't do it. He tried to enter me, but he wasn't hard. I don't know if I lost my virginity or not...I was so weak. So afraid to say no. I let it happen. Freshman year of college, I let those guys at the club get away with it to, because I was afraid how they would react if I tried to get them to stop. To this day, I still feel so weak.
melkatmo melkatmo
26-30, F
Sep 24, 2012