5 Years Of Suffering And Confusion

5 years ago, I was 19 years old and very naiive. I had a mild to moderate case of what I guess you could call "social anxiety disorder" and was bullied from middle school through my senior year of high school for "being too quiet", "Not ever talking". People seemed to think I must have been "dumb" or "weird" just because I wasn't as social as everyone else. Actually, I've always had a somewhat higher IQ than most people, I've just never been good at making friends. I make friendly acquaintances and never progress beyond that point. I never had any friends as a teenager and now at age 24 as a senior in college, I'm much more social but cannot seem to make friends still, despite being well-liked. I'm a loner I guess. Now that I've given my backstory, I will tell what happened to me when I was 19 that has bothered me relentlessly for the past 5 years, leaving my brain for periods of time, but always returning to haunt me and cause me grief. Having no friends as a teenager, I'd also never had a boyfriend. At 19, I was sick of being a lonely virgin, I thought that somehow this made me inferior, so I slept with a random guy I met on a dating site who was friends with one of my coworkers, just to "get it over with". This guy of course never called me again, and at first I couldn't understand why, but this experience oddly enough is not the one that bothers me. I could care less about that first guy and never think about him honestly. After him however, a few months later, I met another local guy on the popular social media site of the day, "MySpace". He messaged me immediately, telling me I was attractive, feeding into my loneliness and low self-esteem. At the time, I'd lost my job, wasn't in school and still lived at home with my parents, doing nothing all day long. He was everything I wanted in a boyfriend: Good looking, popular, came from a good family, a bit on the "preppy" side, wanted to become a Marine. In his profile, he claimed to be a devout Christian who was saving himself for marriage. After maybe 2 weeks of messaging back and forth, we progressed to texting. At first it was innocent stuff, then one day he called me and asked if I wanted to go swimming at a public pool that was closed for the season. I thought it was kind of odd, but my loneliness was blinding me and I was excited. This guy wanted to hang out with me! I wore a bikini under my clothes because even though I was "thin", I felt like I was fat and didn't want to be seen in just a bikini right away. I simply jumped in with my clothes on after we met, he hugged me, and we made casual chit chat. Probably an hour into this, I ended up removing my waterlogged jeans and t-shirt because they were weighing me down. Oddly enough in retrospect, he didn't wear swim trunks either. He also had on regular clothes. Shortly after I did this, we got out of the pool and sat beside it, engaged in friendly conversation, laughing and having a good time. But soon after, he started making advances on me, touching my leg, my stomach, and I let him do it b/c again, I was very lonely and had low self-esteem. Then he slowly forced me backwards into a lying down position and began kissing me, then made me go into the abandoned dressing rooms with him where he seemed to go into a sexual frenzy, provoked even more by my "allowing" of his fondling. I was uncomfortable and scared that he was going to rape me, but he never actually penetrated me, just rubbed his genitals on me in this incredibly odd frantic state of arousal. I lay there and let him do this, not knowing really what to do, thinking this was expected of me. After all, it was male attention. After this, we parted ways, but he texted me the next afternoon for sex and I obliged, thinking "Well, he must really be into me" so in a way, it made me feel confident. This time we took my car and he made me drive to a remote place in the country. He asked this of me a few more times over a 2 month period, maybe 2x a month. It always had to be somewhere remote and when we took his truck, he made me ride ducked down in the passenger seat if we encountered other cars b/c he "didn't want his parents or friends to see him with a girl b/c he wasn't allowed to date". In retrospect, the man was 20 yrs old and this was bullshit and he probably had a girlfriend. He had even told me of other girls he'd hooked up with and showed me naked pictures they'd sent him. But I believed him at the time. The last time he asked to see me for sex was when he returned from a church mission trip in late summer of 07. He never took me anywhere in public for an actual decent date and he joined the Marines 2 months later, went off to Paris Island never contacting me again until 6 months later when he returned home on leave for 2 weeks. At that point, I had realized what he'd done to me and was fearful to leave the house, even with a parent, for fear of running into him. I became this way 2 months after I last saw him, as the realization of how I'd been used sunk in. I ignored his request to see me and he tried once more in early 08, but I told him I didn't want sex. Since then, I've had other dates that were normal but didn't work out, eventually I met a great guy and became engaged, almost finished my Bachelors degree and moved to a different state. I've found out that he is now a Sergeant in the Marines, and 2 years ago he married his long-time girlfriend (whom he was dating while he was using me, as I learned later.) He is also a successful real estate agent and he and his wife have a nice house for an early twenties couple. They seem to have the perfect happy marriage and on his wife's facebook profile, she has a picture of their wedding with "My Happy Ending" written on it as her cover photo. Meanwhile, I have undergone so much emotional trauma over the past 5 years b/c of him that I haven't ever been able to truly be happy. Memories of the event come and go, bringing me down, reducing me to tears even after 5 years. I want him to be punished for what he did, or at least to be revealed but I still feel like it was all my fault. I allowed it, it must be my fault. I've considered therapy but am low on fiances and uncomfortable discussing it with strangers. Even my own parents don't know. I'm lost and confused as to what to do to ease this mental and emotional l torment and move on with my life.
HannahPickle HannahPickle
22-25
1 Response Sep 8, 2012

You deserve to be treated better. That guy sounds like a psychopath. It doesn't surprise me that he is a real estate agents. Psychopaths make great salespeople because they have no morals and only think of themselves.

Don't let a lack of money keep you from getting therapy. Many universities have programs that allow students and non-students to receive therapy at very low prices. The therapists are students who are done or almost done with a masters degree or doctorate degree. The therapists are supervised by professors who may or may not be in the room during therapy sessions.