I Feel A Bit Lost..

You know when you really want to do something? There is almost always something that makes you think, "Hang on a sec!" Writing this has given me that feeling right from the off. I don't know how I should start, or what I should say. All I know is, I was sexually abused from a young age. I was physically abused from a young age and I was emotionally abused from a young age.

I guess i'm going to start with a little bit about myself. I'm 21 and am learning to tattoo people. I also run my own drama school on Saturdays. I like to think i'm a happy go lucky sort of person although I have been told I can come across as bitchy. I would do anything for anyone and bend over backwards to help somebody out. I am however, outspoken. I tell people how it is and i'm not afraid to speak my mind.

I do have a secretive side about me, where there is only one person to date who understands this. I can be down and out for long periods of time. It has been this way for over ten years now, and I still don't know or understand why. I'm going to explain a little bit of my story without much detail because to be honest, I'm still recalling some situations that I have forgotten about and pushed deep into the back of my mind. My closest friend has helped me out immensely, even though he has his own problems to deal with. He's talked things through with me and i'm starting to feel better, well comfortable enough to explain my story.

It all starts from the age ten. My mum found her new boyfriend on a night out and from then on he was my hell. It was all relatively normal until he started putting his hands where he shouldn't have been. He beat me up for the smallest of things, and locked me away in the garden shed to scare me. He introduced me to his friend and then his friend touched me. He held me for hours, sometimes even days to rape me. He laughed when I self harmed and taunted me when I cried. He stabbed my hand once because I hadn't cleaned up properly, and always spoke as if I wasn't around. He tied me up and held me hostage in my own room and completed his twisted fantasies. When he got bored, he would find new ways to break me. Using other ways to hurt me. This went on until I was around thirteen.

It doesn't seem that long, but if you realise that this went on nearly every single day. Sometimes I feel like I make a massive deal out of something so small, but I teach children younger than I was when I had that to deal with and it scares me how naive they are. I hate that part of my life and would do anything to change it. I hope that one day I will be able to explain in more detail what happened. At the moment this isn't an option. With time it will get easier I know.

I recently had my friend tell me that a similar thing happened to him, only on the one occasion though. This came as big news to me as I didn't have a clue. I felt so selfish, as he has sat and listened to me and my problems. Although he tells me it's okay, and that he's fine with it. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I want to be there for him as much as he was and is for me. I'm not sure I can cope with that though. How bad is that? All I can say is that, one day we'll both get over it and be as happy as ever.

Anyway that is my story, someday you will hear about more of it, i'm sure.
PixieLinx PixieLinx
18-21, F
1 Response May 9, 2012

im sorry to what happened to u and ur friend but u keep saying that one day things will change and its good that u have hope ,i really hope things will get better for both of u