Does It Mean Anything When You're Silent?

I rarely talk about my past. I never told anyone what really happened to me while I was in middle school. When I look back I believe it was the worse four years of my life. It's such a long time ago, I feel ashamed to think about it now but after a recent conversation, I feel haunted. Most of the time in middle school I was physically assaulted by one guy. I won't go into that because that's physical abuse and not sexual, but there were three incidences where I believe I was molested/sexually abused if that's the right term for this story. I'm still very unclear if any of these things qualifies as sexual abuse.

The first time it was by a random boy I didn't know. I was just walking up the steps in school and he grabbed my chest hard. When he pulled away I ran... I didn't stop him because I felt paralyzed. I froze feeling terrible. I didn't know the boy and he felt it was ok to do something like that. I knew it was wrong but I let happen.

The second time was when I was in the gym class in the same school. It was around the same time. A few boys grabbed me and pushed me on a cushion. It's one of those cushions, I believe if you fall from a height it was soften your landing.They tried taking my pants off, smacking me hard on my behind, their hands were all over me, fondling me. I tried getting way but they would push me back on the cushion and kept hurting me, trying to take my underwear off. I never been so scared in my life at the time. I screamed for help but the teacher called the students to the other side of the gym and the only person who heard me at the time was my best friend. She helped me by pushing them off. I immediately ran away. I was scared and in pain by how rough they were. They ended up grabbing her. I felt terrible that I didn't go back and help fight them off of her but a few minutes later she ran up next to me and said she was alright. She ended up leaving months after because someone pulled her pants down in front of the whole class. I wasn't there that day but once she left I knew I was truly alone in that awful school.

At the time I just let things happen... A recent conversation bought all the memories back and it reminds me how I feel now, powerless to change my life. There's so many problems I'm facing now and I feel powerless to stop it even though I'm trying to be a stronger person. I feel like I never evolved past middle school where I let anyone do anything they want to me and I let it happen.

I never said anything at the time because I was scared and ashamed. I lived in a family where everyone is so strong and I was the opposite. I was always reactionary instead of taking action to stop the bad things from happening. I was in lots of fights with my bother and cousin and I felt like I should have been prepared deal with these situations. My grandmother always told me that if someone hit you, you hit them back. When it came to most guys in my life, I never did that. I have no clue who to talk to about this. I don't talk to my family anymore. I feel like since this happened such a long time ago I have to let the pain go, but I can't. It seems like people are always so easy to forget the pain they cause others. No one remembers the verbal abuse in my family. They say I abandoned them when I left.

The last time I was sexually abused was in college. I was thinking about committing suicide and I started talking to an elderly man online. He was really nice and he seemed like he wanted to help me. I felt like someone truly understood me and cared about me. We ended up meeting and we walked back to his car to talk. He said he knew about a meditation technique that could really help me relax. He started rubbing my arms and then my stomach, he then moved up and started massaging my chest. I felt really uncomfortable but he kept trying to soothe me. I went along with it because he was so nice to me. He then started to move his hand down to my vagina. I immediately thought this was wrong and I said no. He continued until I said it again, and I was more frightened. He stopped and said that we could continue again in the future and I felt comfortable. At the moment, I felt that maybe I should have been more open. Let him do whatever he wanted to do. I thought he was really trying to help me. The more I kept thinking about it, the more I thought it was no different then what happened in middle school, except he was my friend. I stopped talking to him a few months later.

I know it's all my fault. I let these things happen and I should have been stronger. I know it's one of the reasons why I just don't like being touched. Even though I tried my best not to think about this stuff it's embedded in my head. The memories are so vivid. I don't know how to really move forward and right now I feel just as hopeless as I did back then. All my life... I felt like nothing and let others treat me as such. I'm sick of it. It was always painful to think about it, more painful to not share it with anyone. I feel like after all that's happen, it's made me very bitter about life and men.

But maybe it's all me. Since I was just a kid when this stuff happened then all should be forgiven. I've been told numerous times that I should forget the past. The past is not the present. If it's in the past and no one else remembers or cares except for me then I should just let it go. It could have been a lot worse and I should be grateful that my friend saved me that day and that elderly guy stopped. He could have easily done a lot more but he didn't. I just feel that it's all wrong. It's not right that people get hurt like this and nothing happens but it's my fault that nothing happened to fix it.
kayeb99 kayeb99
26-30, F
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

It's not your fault. You didn't ask for any of that to happen, nor did you want it.