The Gift Of Pain

I am the youngest, and if there's one stereotype about age order I believe in its that the youngest born are usually attention seekers. Ever since kindergarten I have always liked to be the center of attention and I possessed an unusual emotional intellegence for my age .  I was happy but I had no idea what was to come. Middle school was a social nightmare for me. Every bit of self respect and confidence I gained from a spectacular childhood was taken from me. I stopped trying to be noticed but was so self conscious and insecure that I was always noticed. I was depressed, near suicidal at points, and had absolutely no social skills.


I would just lay on my couch and watch television, terrified of what the next day would bring.This continued on into high school. I never had a girlfriend, was afraid to even speak to any classmates. It was 6 years of hell, and I believed my life to be worthless. I became vain, self-loathing, and angry and it took years of experience and education to pull myself out of it. I studied communication extensively and learned from the ground up how to communicate again. I conquered my fears one by one. I had always been deathly afraid of acting but I forced myself to take a class. Public speaking always terrified me, but I took classes and engaged in speaking opportunities any chance I could get. It scared me to death to go up and feel the eyes of everyone burning into me, but I found the courage to do it despite the pain. Now I feel almost no fear when I speak in public and actually like doing it. I feel like I am playing an instrument when I'm talking to people and I know which notes I must hit to connect with their souls.


I used to think all those years of mental torture were for nothing, but now I realize that it has made me stronger and has taught me empathy. Now, I can communicate better than most people I meet and I can read people in a way that very few others can. In an odd way, the years of pain that I went through were actually a blessing. My need for self-expression and connection would not Findinhave been as strong if I had a typical adolescence. I would not have studied communication as extensively. I would not know what its like to face a REAL fear. I know now that I must share this gift with others or it would all be a waste. I have risen from the ashes of the past. I have found myself.

BoderlandMan BoderlandMan
22-25, M
3 Responses Mar 14, 2010

I was born to a Christian family. I was born in 1986. I am twenty eight years old. Well I was born on the west side of the United States. I am used to the red neck kids and family. People made fun of my accent. I am used to the head banging boys that go to concerts to smoke illegal things there. I am used to partiers abd druggies that we used to hang out with. I am used to nosh pits. I took a trip to see my boyfriend. He lives on the east part of the United States. East side people are not use to head bangers. When I was four years, my mom took me to a knowledge test. I had a learning disability. I was in a resource room all through my school years. I had trouble with math and English. My brother was good at math, so he helped me with math. I was never good with numbers. I had to go to speech class because I was not good with my A's. I never wanted to go school because the children teased me the way I looked and they teased me the way I talked too. The children would not stop. In fifth grade, they would make fun of me because we were watching a movie about this guy that was getting a glass eye and they said that is like you because you have a learning disability. They talked about how I talked. The teasing and harassing would not stop at school, so I would make excuses not to go to school. They would write stuff on my hand and laugh at me because it was a sick joke to them in middle school. In high school it got worse for me. They would make fun of me. I was dating a guy and they found out stuff and teased me about it because they knew I was a goody to shoes. They would be embarrass me in high school because they found out stuff about me. I wanted to kill myself when I was ten years old because my mom and I were not getting a long and I wanted to kill myself, when I was with my abusive boyfriend too. The end.

i like your story. =)

Thanks for sharing, what an inspiring story :-)