Quiet Here.

I'm surprised that this seems to be the only group related to this issue. I'm surprised it's so empty. People here seem eager to admit to all sorts of things. But not abuse? Why not?

Oh well. I can speak to an empty room. It's probably better that way.

I've left a trail of broken people behind me. The idea that a person that allows themselves to be hurt is a person who DESERVES it for not ******* stopping me is one that I still have trouble discarding.

I used to deliberately trawl BDSM groups for the vulnerable. For the people who didn't know their own limits. For the people who would never tell anyone what I did to them because they were ashamed, because they never told me to stop.

Not until it was far too late.

It was such deliberate destruction. I knew it always ended with a person silent and scarred, never wanting to see my face again, but still I used one after another. I consumed them. I felt entitled to my pleasures. If they were stupid or weak enough to consent, no drugs or alcohol in their systems, wasn't it really their fault?

I still don't feel ashamed. I don't know if I'm capable of feeling ashamed.

Hell, truth be told, I miss it. I miss the power; I miss the blood.

But.

There is this boy -- a man now, I guess. And I'm starting to think I'd quite like to keep him. And since these habits have been... forcibly stopped...

Maybe it's best that I don't start them up again.



I'm not sorry.

But I apologize anyway.
PMurinus PMurinus
22-25, F
2 Responses Sep 8, 2012

Does this relate to your BDSM?

Why did u stop?