I Was The Other Woman - And I Hate MyselfI'm not even sure where to begin or how I even got here. I just know I don't like the person I've become. I've hated myself for as long as I remember. Since I was a child I had low self esteem. I wasn't the "fat kid" or the "ugly duckling" but I always felt like I was "less than". In this hatred for myself I let myself be abused and used by men since I was 14. I let them use me, treat me horribly, physical and emotional abuse. I don't want to play the victim, but I'm trying to figure out where all these mistakes I keep making are coming from.
Becoming "the other woman" was something I never thought would happen to me. I was always the one to be cheated on, used, and tossed to the side at any moment. I felt no self worth for myself. I was here to love love love and maybe someday, I'd be loved back. But even when someone was good to me, I pushed them away as I feel I didn't deserve it! Seriously... I don't know how I made it this far! So starting at 14 I just let men use me for sex, I would do what people wanted to feel loved, sick and wrong I know... I don't know where it stems from!?
Fast forward... I was married for 9 years and had 2 kids. I went through a divorce after a cycle of more emotional abuse, neglect and being in a relationship that shouldn't have started in the first place. I wouldn't trade it for the world as I wouldn't have my kids, which are my world! But in the midst of my divorce, I met someone that was going through hard times in his marriage also. We started off so innocent and talking to each other about marriages, relationships, and trying to help each other through. As time went on it became more, we talked often, texted, etc and it grew into more of an emotional affair. The excitement led to the physical relationship. I don't condone any of it... any of my behavior is not excused on my part. I hate myself for all of that. (I'm here to bare my soul and confess and find support to move on). After about 6 months, we were discovered by his wife (who I was told many times that he was going to leave...I'm sure many of us have heard it). So he went back to her to "fix it". I let him go... I didn't intervene, I didn't keep contacting, I let him go. Then 6 weeks later he's back to texting me, wanting to be friends, and it led to more and more... the more I was lied to, the more I believed and wanted him back. After he told her he was leaving, he asked me back. He moved out, we became a couple, he met my family, kids, etc. Another 4 months went by and he started growing distant. I knew he was talking with his ex... I kept asking and wanting to know the truth. I had ALWAYS told him, I loved him and only wanted his happiness. All I wanted was for him to be happy... with WHOEVER. He kept lying, kept me on a leash, hid things from me, til he dumped me surprisingly one day. Then 3 days later wants me back, then a month later rips my heart out again. More lies, more pain, more confusion, anger, abuse, hurt, etc etc. It was a never ending sickening cycle. When it was just him and I, we were absolute best friends... I know that in my heart. We had always talked about how our relationship was so easy, so natural, even after months of not talking, we could pick right up where we left off.
The crazy cycle I thought was over when their divorce finally finalized and was done with. I took a deep breath that day... we weren't "together" at the time, had taken a break to let each other heal. Then we started dating each other again... the most beautiful times of my life... but now his ex is playing mind games and digging into him to hurt him and he's falling for it. He dumped me again today. I'm crushed to my core, thought the worst was over, but apparently not.
So today, I want to stop the cycle... I need support to keep me strong and to not let him come back and ruin my soul again. I can't take anymore pain and hurt from him. Best friend or not... this is NOT love. Well...it was for me... not for him I guess.
So...here I am... ripped to shreds and looking for some healing, peace and have been repenting for all these sins and mistakes. I'm probably getting what I deserve, but I hope that this will be the last of my horrible sin and hating myself behavior. No one could ever judge me worse than I judge myself... so it's time to learn to love myself again. So no one will ever be able to use me, toss me aside and treat me this way again.
Thank you for reading this far if you're still here... I hope it can bring you some peace if you need it too.
hurting12 31-35, F 4 Responses 2 Jan 15, 2013