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I Need Strength

It has been over a month since the last time I spoke with the married man I was involved with. Our last meeting was extremely intense. I had just found out I was pregnant. He came and comforted me. He told me that he loved me, that I was a beautiful person, and that he would be there for me in any way that I needed. When he walked out of my apartment his wife was waiting in the car outside. I have not spoken to either of them since.

I had to go through my abortion alone. I have had a devastatingly difficult few weeks. He has not contact me, but I have not contacted him either. I do not want to contact him because I really want to move on. I know that our relationship was wrong, what I did was wrong. I want to continue making choices that I can be proud of, and not interfering with his life, his wife's life, and whatever process they are going through seems like the only reasonable thing to do.

But it kills me not to talk to him. I miss him so much. I miss they way he spoke to me. He was one of my closest friends, I let him into my heart in every conceivable way. When my strength is flagging and I think about contacting him I remind myself of all the hardest parts: when he was caught he lied to his wife and our mutual friends about a number of painful things, made me look awful to save himself, he consistently seduced me when I was most vulnerable and when I tried to end things with him he would always lure me back with promises. The most agonizing is knowing that he let me go through the past couple months, including an abortion, completely alone. He didn't even ask if I was ok.

I hate thinking about him in these terms. I hate demonizing him. He made a huge mistake, but so did I. I'm no better than him. I tell myself that he doesn't contact me because he's doing the right thing: trying to fix his commitment, be a better man, and in his own way show me kindness by not messing with my heart anymore. All of the logic I throw at the situation doesn't make it easier.

Please help me. I'm exhausted by feeling this sad all of the time. I miss him terribly and I would give anything to stop.
skippingstone5 skippingstone5 26-30, F 4 Responses Jan 27, 2013

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I sympathize because we all do make mistakes; but every woman or man who dates a married person breaks the golden rule and will reap what they've sown. Think next of making urself a home and shun married men. Don't destroy ur future.

I am sooo sorry u r goin thru this but u r not a bad person!! U r better then him I want u to know hat as well because u r not denying ur part in this yet ur paying the most for it!!! Lets talk bout this abortion for a minute if ur ok with it, how are u feeling about that? Did u decide that was the best thing or did he talk u into that? I'm not judging u in anyway I need u to know that as well because none of us r perfect and if we were none of us would belong to these sites :)! Remember Hun that everybody does things when they are in love that perhaps they wouldn't do if they were just hanging with that person. I say this because his wife brought him to ur house so look at her position, love had her bring her husband to his recently pregnant girlfriends house. Tell me she isn't questioning her morals right now? Bottomline babe that man is gonna b on a downward spiral and u don't wanna b goin down with him. He wasn't here for u when u needed him most and hell u shouldn't b there when his wife comes to her senses and kicks his *** to the curb cause he's gonna b looking for someone to take care of him and u need a man that is available to u and only u because he wants to b not because he has to cause he needs a couch to crash on, u deserve great things and great love in your life and he isn't really it!! Ur gonna find a great man that has a heart big enuf for the both of ya and you will eventually b thinking to urself "thank the good lord for small favors" ! Good luck and ifvu ever need anything or a just somebody to talk to we r here for u and txt anytime ladyfriend

Thank God for small favors was one of my Grandma's favorite phrases. Makes me smile to hear that.

I actually had two abortions through out the course of my affair. The first time I got pregnant I was very, very confused. I thought I was infertile. I was VERY much in love with the man at the time, and he was not yet married. I really, stupidly thought he would leave her. I wanted to keep the baby. NOT to keep the man, but because I was 28 and my body felt ready. I wanted to meet my baby, see what she looked like, I wanted so badly to hold her. He told me I could do whatever I felt was right, but that he wouldn't be able to support me or my baby, in other words he wouldn't be a part of our life. I had the abortion because I wanted to finish my Masters degree, and I didn't want to bring a child into this world with a father that didn't want her. When I got pregnant again I was REALLY shocked. Stupid, I know, since my earlier theory was proved so wrong, but I had been careful, and getting pregnant again was THE LAST THING I wanted. It felt SO cruel to know that I was going to have to go through it again.

I tried to kill myself after the first abortion. I just couldn't get over the sadness. So when he left my house after saying he would be there for me the second time and did not, in fact, fulfill that promise it broke my damn heart. He knew how devastated I was the first time and he let me go through it again alone. No emotional or financial support whatsoever. I bounced my dang rent check to pay for a mistake that was as much his as mine. I suppose I should focus on what that action on his part says.

To be clear, I don't think his wife brought him to my house. I don't know for sure, and wouldn't put anything past these two people, but I think he came to my house without her knowing and she followed him there. Either the lie he used to cover coming to my place was iffy or she had been following him for awhile. I think he was probably scared shitless when he walked out and she was there.

Today is an OK day, but gosh DARN am I mad. I don't want to be mad. It confuses the part of me that still loves him. The fact that I still love him is just silly, huh? Grrr.

i have my own feelings about extra-marital relationships, but what you're going through is something i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. i empathize with you having given up your child. And while it's still fresh in your mind and memory the first thing you've g o t to do is work on forgiveness in yourself. Only when you've attained that can you go on to forgive him for what he engaged in with you, and how you alone suffered the consequences.

Don't be afraid to reach out! Don't hesitate to seek help, to grasp for support, to even take time out for yourself just to breathe. A new friend i made today helped teach me that healing is a lifelong process; this will take time. It will be many tears cried and many nights clutching your pillow, but it's alright. It's okay to be sad and angry and hurt and betrayed. But you've got to work on forgiving yourself first. Love yourself and love your child, and take time to do the things you love on your own so that you can once again stand on your own two feet. You'll get there :]

Best wishes to you! My inbox is open.

I want you to call or text me, what ever you are comfortable with
i will send you my text number in a private message
my heart is breaking for you
i dont want you to feel alone anymore because there are so very many out there in the same position and it always helps to comfort the heart if you just 'know' theres someone who feels a little bit of the pain you feel.
(((((((((hugz for you!)))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. This afternoon was an especially dark time for me. I managed to not contact him, but I did so by being brave enough to ask for help.

I know that my situation is not unique. Well, it is, in many ways, but the construct of an affair is common enough. I went to see Anna Karinana with a friend the other day. There were three previews before the film started, TWO were movies about affairs!

I appreciate your support and look forward to reaching out to you. So very grateful.

Hey, are you okay??
you are not a bad person, and we alll do make mistakes....
are you staying alone? or is there someone with you...
I wish i could do something to help you... but just hang on...
please message or mail me anytime u want...

Just wanted to touch base cause u had popped up in my mind and I was just gonna b nosy (lol) and see how ur doin? How ya feeling today and if today was any brighter for ya? I hope so, I hope it was great day for ya but let is all know ur on sweetie, ur in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers!! :)

It's amazing to me to have perfect strangers show me such concern. Can't tell you how much it helps.

Muave, my roommate recently moved out suddenly, so I'm alone, but I'm no longer feeling like as much of a danger to myself as I was when I wrote this post. I don't know if OK really sums it up, but I'm getting out of bed in the morning and getting work done, something that I REALLY need to be doing since my thesis exhibition opens in a couple months.

Squeekarose, today has been pretty good! I did an amazing interview that made me really happy and got me very inspired about the project I'm working on. It's an hour to hour process though.

Some moments I want to scream at him, tell him how ****** up and manipulative he was, DEMAND that he take some of this pain from me. I'm tired of carrying all of the weight, all of the hurting, all of the consequences. But I know it really won't change anything. So I don't call, and he doesn't call. And I have to believe that's for the best. :)

I agree with u that's really what's best and I also know how irritating it can be to hear the words just forget about him or just move on or I hope u can just see the light at the end of the tunnel! Hell, if it were that easy we all wouldn't belong to sites where we need to talk to a 100 ppl about it lol! I don't know about u but I know when me and mine broke up and he said he didn't have a reason and it wasn't about another woman but then I find zoosk on his computer and how he invited 2 woman over that were complete strangers off the computer, if it wasn't about other women then I'm totally in the dark bout this dating **** lol lol anyhow, I wanted to punch stuff one minute and cry my eyes out the next, I could b in a room with 200 ppl and stil feel so alone and just wanna scream at ppl cause their conversation seemed to annoy me even tho they wernt doin anything wrong I coulda slapped my very best friends just because my emotions were running marathons that I couldn't keep up with!! Then after a cpl months of hat then I found a fake sense of energy and a want to better myself, I decided I was gonna join a gym and I was on a mission to fix every little imperfection as if that could be done within a month or 2 ...ummm think not lol lol!! That's how crazy I was acting and anyone that truly k we me would be like wtf are u doin cause that's not me... I woulda never confirmed to the way a man wanted me especially if we were together I certainly woulda made it a point not to give in to stereotypes but then look at what I had become all because of one break-up??? It's crazy how us woman torture ourselves and have you ever wondered if a man acts this way? I'm not talking about the real sensitive kid that writes poetry but I'm talking bout the manly man ... U knw our exes lol ?? So they ever put themselves thru the ringer? Well I know I acted like a nut for a bit but I get to tell u the very best part.. I stopped acting like that and I stopped crying for no reason and I started sleeping and eating regularly and it just happens. U can't put a number on it and I want u to knw it gets easier and it's ok if u stil love him that just shows u have a big heart but don't give it to him again, he can't b trusted with it!!! Now that I'm writing u a novel lol I hope this gives u some insight that ur not alone and all of us woman act different and deal with thing differently but then again sometimes we don't sometimes we all act just alike so ur normal babe and so r all of us lol lol well define normal :) hehehe! Sorry about the spelling and short words I'm on my phone so half the time I think I'm just sending a quick txt so I use a shorthand or then turn around and spell everything out lol!! Hope this makes u smile a lil bit :)

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