I Need Strength

It has been over a month since the last time I spoke with the married man I was involved with. Our last meeting was extremely intense. I had just found out I was pregnant. He came and comforted me. He told me that he loved me, that I was a beautiful person, and that he would be there for me in any way that I needed. When he walked out of my apartment his wife was waiting in the car outside. I have not spoken to either of them since.

I had to go through my abortion alone. I have had a devastatingly difficult few weeks. He has not contact me, but I have not contacted him either. I do not want to contact him because I really want to move on. I know that our relationship was wrong, what I did was wrong. I want to continue making choices that I can be proud of, and not interfering with his life, his wife's life, and whatever process they are going through seems like the only reasonable thing to do.

But it kills me not to talk to him. I miss him so much. I miss they way he spoke to me. He was one of my closest friends, I let him into my heart in every conceivable way. When my strength is flagging and I think about contacting him I remind myself of all the hardest parts: when he was caught he lied to his wife and our mutual friends about a number of painful things, made me look awful to save himself, he consistently seduced me when I was most vulnerable and when I tried to end things with him he would always lure me back with promises. The most agonizing is knowing that he let me go through the past couple months, including an abortion, completely alone. He didn't even ask if I was ok.

I hate thinking about him in these terms. I hate demonizing him. He made a huge mistake, but so did I. I'm no better than him. I tell myself that he doesn't contact me because he's doing the right thing: trying to fix his commitment, be a better man, and in his own way show me kindness by not messing with my heart anymore. All of the logic I throw at the situation doesn't make it easier.

Please help me. I'm exhausted by feeling this sad all of the time. I miss him terribly and I would give anything to stop.
skippingstone5 skippingstone5
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 27, 2013

I sympathize because we all do make mistakes; but every woman or man who dates a married person breaks the golden rule and will reap what they've sown. Think next of making urself a home and shun married men. Don't destroy ur future.

i have my own feelings about extra-marital relationships, but what you're going through is something i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. i empathize with you having given up your child. And while it's still fresh in your mind and memory the first thing you've g o t to do is work on forgiveness in yourself. Only when you've attained that can you go on to forgive him for what he engaged in with you, and how you alone suffered the consequences.

Don't be afraid to reach out! Don't hesitate to seek help, to grasp for support, to even take time out for yourself just to breathe. A new friend i made today helped teach me that healing is a lifelong process; this will take time. It will be many tears cried and many nights clutching your pillow, but it's alright. It's okay to be sad and angry and hurt and betrayed. But you've got to work on forgiving yourself first. Love yourself and love your child, and take time to do the things you love on your own so that you can once again stand on your own two feet. You'll get there :]

Best wishes to you! My inbox is open.

I want you to call or text me, what ever you are comfortable with
i will send you my text number in a private message
my heart is breaking for you
i dont want you to feel alone anymore because there are so very many out there in the same position and it always helps to comfort the heart if you just 'know' theres someone who feels a little bit of the pain you feel.
(((((((((hugz for you!)))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. This afternoon was an especially dark time for me. I managed to not contact him, but I did so by being brave enough to ask for help.

I know that my situation is not unique. Well, it is, in many ways, but the construct of an affair is common enough. I went to see Anna Karinana with a friend the other day. There were three previews before the film started, TWO were movies about affairs!

I appreciate your support and look forward to reaching out to you. So very grateful.

Hey, are you okay??
you are not a bad person, and we alll do make mistakes....
are you staying alone? or is there someone with you...
I wish i could do something to help you... but just hang on...
please message or mail me anytime u want...

It's amazing to me to have perfect strangers show me such concern. Can't tell you how much it helps.

Muave, my roommate recently moved out suddenly, so I'm alone, but I'm no longer feeling like as much of a danger to myself as I was when I wrote this post. I don't know if OK really sums it up, but I'm getting out of bed in the morning and getting work done, something that I REALLY need to be doing since my thesis exhibition opens in a couple months.

Squeekarose, today has been pretty good! I did an amazing interview that made me really happy and got me very inspired about the project I'm working on. It's an hour to hour process though.

Some moments I want to scream at him, tell him how ****** up and manipulative he was, DEMAND that he take some of this pain from me. I'm tired of carrying all of the weight, all of the hurting, all of the consequences. But I know it really won't change anything. So I don't call, and he doesn't call. And I have to believe that's for the best. :)