I Need StrengthIt has been over a month since the last time I spoke with the married man I was involved with. Our last meeting was extremely intense. I had just found out I was pregnant. He came and comforted me. He told me that he loved me, that I was a beautiful person, and that he would be there for me in any way that I needed. When he walked out of my apartment his wife was waiting in the car outside. I have not spoken to either of them since.
I had to go through my abortion alone. I have had a devastatingly difficult few weeks. He has not contact me, but I have not contacted him either. I do not want to contact him because I really want to move on. I know that our relationship was wrong, what I did was wrong. I want to continue making choices that I can be proud of, and not interfering with his life, his wife's life, and whatever process they are going through seems like the only reasonable thing to do.
But it kills me not to talk to him. I miss him so much. I miss they way he spoke to me. He was one of my closest friends, I let him into my heart in every conceivable way. When my strength is flagging and I think about contacting him I remind myself of all the hardest parts: when he was caught he lied to his wife and our mutual friends about a number of painful things, made me look awful to save himself, he consistently seduced me when I was most vulnerable and when I tried to end things with him he would always lure me back with promises. The most agonizing is knowing that he let me go through the past couple months, including an abortion, completely alone. He didn't even ask if I was ok.
I hate thinking about him in these terms. I hate demonizing him. He made a huge mistake, but so did I. I'm no better than him. I tell myself that he doesn't contact me because he's doing the right thing: trying to fix his commitment, be a better man, and in his own way show me kindness by not messing with my heart anymore. All of the logic I throw at the situation doesn't make it easier.
Please help me. I'm exhausted by feeling this sad all of the time. I miss him terribly and I would give anything to stop.
skippingstone5 26-30, F 4 Responses 1 Jan 27, 2013