Just When I Thought It Was Getting Better…Today marks exactly 4 weeks since ex-MM and I parted our ways. Though I still cry every single day, I thought I was doing and feeling a lot better than before. But the past couple days I feel like I'm falling right back to square one, feeling extremely low and depressed that I seriously think I could no longer take it for another day.
A few days ago I was hanging out with a close friend/coworker after work. I try to keep myself occupied so I don't feel depressed all the time. But as the night went on, I realized all my memories with MM just flooded back like never before. MM and I used to spend some time together after work like this, and that’s usually the only time when he had little time for me. I felt so unbearable to the point I wanted to tell my coworker about it, but of course I couldn't. On the way back dropping me off, I immediately broke down as soon as I got in my car. It was close to mid-night, I was just wandering and driving around the place by our work where MM and I used to come every day. He left me a few hidden notes, I know he's still coming here sometimes at a certain hour even though he's been trying to avoid me at work. On a few occasions I just wanted to come and see him, to look into his eyes and see what's left in there, to see what he has to tell me....but I never did. He needs to focus on his marriage like he wished and I need to go on with my life. But I'm at a point where I'm already feeling too broken to get back to living a normal life again.
I'm really trying, every single day is a self-battle for me. The no-contact/avoiding each other at work isn't my biggest challenge anymore - but I keep living and remembering our past memories, the loving, the caring, and the romantic MM that I got to know at one point - instead of realizing and accepting that he's just a heartless & selfish man. I happened to see him from a distance at this store by our work place today. We used to have our little secret meet up here every day about a year ago. He didn't see me, but immediately I turned around and walked away as soon as I saw him. And for the next 2 hours, I couldn't help but let all my tears pouring out until I couldn't cry anymore...
Our affair was filled with romanticism and fantasies – he used to tell me to look at the moon at night if we miss each other. We exchanged love letters, cards, flowers, little notes here and there. We carved our initials on a tree, we shared our dinner on the same plate. He waited hours to see me on my break, to hold and tell each other good night….I close my eyes, I see him, I hear his voice asking me if I love him. I hear him telling me not to leave him, that he needs me in his life, that he loves me like he's never loved anyone before.
I have no intention or even a slight hope/wish for us to get back together ever. I genuinely hope he’s trying his best to focus on his marriage, to be the best husband and father he can be, to stop messing around like he’s been doing all his life.
I’m trying so hard to move on with my life, but all our memories just keep haunting me and holding me back!
And right now I need to stop crying as my eyes are starting to feel very swollen...
lostsoul0311 26-30, F 2 Responses 1 Feb 16, 2013