My First "love"

When I was 17, I met a much older man online. Because he was a friend of a friend, I trusted him. He lived in California, in an area near a friend of mine. I booked a plane ticket, and planned to fly out on my 18th birthday for a week. We talked for 6 months before my trip, and I was aware he had a long-term girlfriend; however, I was told (by someone else close to them) that they had a lot of issues and were most likely going to break up, and I ended up developing significant feelings for him.

The week before I flew out to CA, he began sending me more romantically/sexually-charged messages, and indicated that he was counting down to my 18th birthday. He showed far more interest in interacting with me than ever before. We planned to meet up at some point during my trip. Then, the night before, he came online and talked to me until midnight, when I officially turned 18 years old.

Immediately after midnight, our interaction became even more racy, and he asked me for my phone number so he could call and wish me a happy birthday. When he did call, he said he knew what we were doing was wrong, but he couldn't help it. He wanted me and I had been too young. We talked about assortments of things, and I could tell from his voice that he was really excited to be doing this. Before I knew it, we had been talking for a couple of hours, and my mom came in my room to ask why I wasn't up already, and I realized I was supposed to have been getting ready 20 minutes ago. (My flight was, I think, around 8am and it was a 4 hour drive to Atlanta - so we had to leave around 2:30am to make good time.) He told me to text him when I landed in CA, and goodnight.

I was so excited the whole way there. I had this feeling that I was both in love and loved by someone who meant a lot to me, for the first time in my life. When I landed in CA, my phone was dead and it was a couple of hours before I got to my friend's apartment (where I was staying) to charge my phone. I had several texts from him asking if I got there ok, so I replied and said yes. He ended up getting off work early and wanted to stop by and see me. At first I was scared to do that, thinking we'd get caught because I didn't know what time my friend would get home, but he convinced me that he just wanted to say hello and wouldn't stay long.

When he got there, I met him outside, where he said "Wow, it's the real you" when he saw me and greeted me with a hug. We went in the apartment building and in the elevator, where he I could feel his eyes on me and he began touching my head. I didn't really know what to do. When we got into the apartment, I showed him my room. We sat on opposite sides of the bed, and he asked why I wasn't closer. Never having been in an intimate situation before, I was terrified; I got up and let the dog out of the bathroom. He followed me, and after playing with the dog for a moment, he stood up and cornered me against a wall. He asked me what was wrong, because I was shaking; I told him I was scared, and he said, "I'm not gonna do anything at all." He gave me my first kiss (he said that's why he came, that he wanted to be my first kiss on my 18th birthday), and it turned into an intense make-out session, and I felt myself being groped and rubbed. We alternated between intense kisses and long embraces, until we realized it was probably time for him to go. We planned to meet up for coffee in 2 days, and texted practically non-stop until we saw each other again. At one point in our texts, he said I was "just a wet dream," prompting me to ask, "Is that all I am to you? Nothing more?" His response was, "A lot more, but that's beside the point."

On the day we were to meet up for coffee, he texted to ask me if I was awake. I said yes, and that I was getting in the shower. When I got out, I noticed he said he had already left. My friend, who was supposed to go with us, wasn't awake yet, so I told him to go slow so I could wake her and let her get ready too. He said not to, and to sneak downstairs. I was nervous about sneaking out, but I took my key and did as he said. I met him in the lobby, and we made out like excited teenagers in the elevator.

As we walked to the apartment, he grabbed my arm and led me to a nearby stairwell. There, we ended up basically doing everything but sex. When I asked him if we should (I was a virgin), he told me I deserved better than a stairwell. After we left, I tried calling my friend, but she didn't pick up, so we went to get coffee alone. We came back to the apartment and woke her up ourselves, and he stayed to talk for a little while before explaining he had to go to meet up with a friend. We said our goodbyes. Things seemed to go as normal afterward; we continued to text all day every day, and we planned to meet up again in a group (me and my friend, and him and a couple of his co-workers) a few days later.

The group meeting went well, though I spent no time alone with him. It was the last time I ever saw him, and as we hugged each other goodbye, he whispered "Goodbye, little one," in my ear. After that, I told him I thought we should see each other one more time before I left, and he agreed. But his texts became much less frequent and his attitude toward me changed. I invited him to a group dinner my friend put together the night before my departure, and he said if I got back home early, he could probably drive over. But when I did get home early to call him and ask him to come over, he refused to do so, saying it was too late and that he hoped my trip was fun. He said it wasn't goodbye, just "until next time." I spent my last night in CA crying in the arms of my friend and driving around the city with her and another one of her friends I had met at dinner.

As I was getting on my flight, I sent a text saying, "It was just a fling, wasn't it?"

He replied, "I hope you're not bummed."

Me: "I thought you liked me."

Him: "I do like you."

Me: "Not the way I like you."

I couldn't take any more, and I turned the phone off right as it was dying. When I got home, I plugged my phone back up and found three new texts from him. "Where did you go?" "Now I feel bad" "Don't be a sad panda!" I didn't reply to any of them.  I signed on AIM, where he was already on, and he immediately IMed me, asking if my phone was off.

"It died. But I just got your texts," I said.

Him: "I hope you're not bummed."

Me: "Why?"

Him: "I would feel bad."

Me: "No I just really like you and I took it seriously."

Him: "Well maybe if you weren't in alabama, I wasn't 3x your age, and you were done with school."

Me: "And you have a girlfriend."

Him: "And other stuff. I wanted your trip to be memorable."

He asked if we could be friends but I wasn't done.

Me: "You knew my feelings would get hurt."

Him: "I didn't know. Sorry."

Me: "You didn't know?!"

Him: "What can I do to cheer you up?"

Me: "I'm just cranky, I didn't get any sleep."

Him: "Well, I hope you can forgive me and we can still be friends. I was hoping you had fun."

Me: "I really care about you, you know."

Him: "Good. I care about you too."

He said he had to go eat, and I felt so low. I sent him a text, saying, "You're another first. The first boy I ever cried over." He called and tried to explain to me that he was in a serious relationship with his girlfriend and he didn't know why he had this fling with me. "I guess I was trying to get it all out before I settled down," he said. He said he kept refusing to see me because he knew nothing good would come out of it. He said he was sorry he hurt my feelings and that he never wanted to hurt me, and everything we did wasn't worth hurting me. I was just so irresistible and he couldn't help himself. I didn't talk much, just listened. "I really hope we can still be friends," he told me. "But it was my first time doing anything... why did you do it then?" I asked. "There were a lot of firsts for me too," he said. "Like what?" "Like doing anything in a public place. And cheating on my girlfriend." I asked what her name was twice and he ignored me both times. "How long have you been together?" I asked. "A few years." "Do you love her?" "I think so," he said. "You think so?" I questioned. "I do but we're in a rough spot right now." He said he was going through a rough time and he got caught up in the moment. He didn't realize I felt that way about him. "You didn't know? I made it obvious," I protested. "I'm sorry, I didn't know..." It wasn't long before he said he was starving and was going to go eat. "I'll call and check on you tomorrow," he said. "You don't have to." "Well, I want to." Unbeknownst to me, it was the last time I'd ever talk to him on the phone.

The next day, I texted and asked if maybe we shouldn't talk to each other for a while, a way to clear our heads. "It's up to you," he said. "I don't think I have the heart to stop talking to you," I told him. "You are hard to resist too," he said.

The next year was filled with me struggling with depression and trying to make a friendship work. He'd tell me to get a hold of my insecurities sometimes, but for the most part, my depression was ignored by him. Though I don't think anything he could've said would've soothed me, because as much as I wanted interaction, I know deep down what I wanted from him was to say that he loved me. But he couldn't, because he didn't.

It's been almost two years since it happened, and though we still email/message each other every now and then, we aren't in each others' lives in any significant amount. I just found out a few weeks ago that he became engaged late last year, though he never mentioned it to me. While he doesn't have the same effect on me that he did, it was still a blow. I still gave him my congratulations.

heypixie heypixie
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 28, 2010

Yeah. Leave him. This guy is living out a fantasy of some kind and you are playing a role in it. It's too bad, but people do these kind of things. He probably doesn't want to hurt anyone, but it's practically unavoidable when people in your fantasy are !) a girlfriend you "think" you are in love with and 2) A woman who wants to love someone and be loved back and she hooks up with a guy who is willing to do what it takes to make a sexual fantasy happen and say what he thinks he needs to say to have everyone play their role.

Leave him...

Leave him...