This Is Before I Did Any Really Terrible Stuff

I'm finding it just impossible to write this story..  A certain feeling comes over me.. I get terribly slow.. I sit and stare at the screen. I can't describe how I'm feeling. :(
When I try to talk about this stuff I get really bad at writing too, I type with one finger, make typo's and have no idea of what i'm actually trying to say.. I'm just trying to get the events that happened out in some form.. i forget to have some point to my story.
 I'm going to just type and not gostraight to tryiong to writ about the experience but just ramle a bit until I get around to that, hopefully then I will be able to get somewhere with it.. I can't just write like it's a normal experience.. and i find it very hard to describe any of my feelings. :/

Some of my stories don't really say anything on their own, or need background to make them understandable i think.
I need to put more links on the end of my stories, to other stories that are relevant to provide the more important bits of background info.

I really do feel bad writing this.. Just needing to write about my more traumatic experiences really scares me, and I feel like a heavy cloak of dread has fallen over me.
This is why I have never sought help though, isnt it?
*sigh*
I'm such a ****-up. :(

Feel gutted. Don't feel like wrirting now...

How do I start to tell this story? Well I don't know where it really begins. 
I don't quite understand it.. I was falsely accused of stealing, but was proved not to have done it before this took place.. there was no reason for what was happening.. and it was not just me but my brother
(1year older than me) too, was with me and this was one of our experiences together. We both got this totally random punishment one day..  I guess after I had been in trouble a bit at school but I think it could have had nothing to do with me or my brother, it could have just been his own problem.
Well, he was a scary guy. I don't even know if I was 8 by then.. I certainly wasn't the most mature 8-year-old I spent most of my time in a dreamworld totally unconnected to reality. I loved to push my fingers or knuckles into my eyes for ages and would rather do that than talk to the other kids, unless I was attacking them in some way..

Ok, so there is no story,

He made us believe we were not just unwanted,unloved and totally worthless; but also that we were being sent to a Borstel. A prison for kids. He told us how bad it was going to be there and what a bad place it was and how we'd suffer at the hands of the older bad kids, just terrorised us.
He told us we were not wanted. We were not his children. We could not be his children because we turned-out so sh!t. He said he must've collected the wrong baby at the hospital, and this was not his son.

So there was like this cycle.. I 'd get told I was sh!t.. go to school, feeling like sh!t... get rejected by the kids and teachers, cuz I couldnt just get-along with others, because I had some 'problem', I was moody and lacked confidence in expressing any behaviours apart from rage.
and weird apparantly-s£ksual behaviours... then I'd go home and get beaten and told I was evil for getting into trouble at school... told I was an imposter.. also an evil irredeemable person.. 
Then there was "You will grow-up to be..."

I don't want to go into "You will grow-up to be..." in this story because it's kind of a seprate experience.

So one day, I guess at the weekend, we got treated to what seemed like the whole entire day of being shouted-at and beaten.. told how much we deserved to be punished and how worthless and irreedemable we were, told all these lies about Borstel.
I was very frightnend of going to the borstel, it was a threat he'd used before so it had built-up an image of what borstel would be like,. Probably is what borstel was like but of course they didn't put 8-year-olds's in borstels.

Then we were each given a little case. Where these cases came from , Idk.
We were told, "Pack your clothes in these now"  "You are going to the prison for bad children" "I don't want you back" "I'm glad to see the back of you"
"You can't ever come back"

We packed our little clothes into our little cases.

We each had a photograph of 'our' dog. We put those in the cases too, on top of the clothes.

Whe he came back in to check we had finished and were waiting he looked in our cases and saw that we had tried to take his pictures when he had just told us to pack clothes and he said we were not allowed to take anything else from his house, just our clothes.

We cried so much that day.. It was physically very tiring.. of course we werent fed.
Unfortunately my brother and I were no comfort to each-other. We actually hated each-other. We were made to betray each-other all the time. To pick between us who would get a punishment, "or you'll both get it"

 

 i need a break.. I've been at this for a few hours


 

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
7 Responses Mar 18, 2009

sick b88888d - tell me where to find him i'll effing sort him out AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I can totally relate to the disconnected part at a young age, that isn't easy. Im sorry you had to go through being scared and threatened.

Thankyou both for reading. You know i didn't really want to tell you. i didn't want to spread any more hurt around.. I just never had the right moment to tell any one anything so I just kept stuff to myself my whole life I never even told anyone about this before. <br />
Thankyou for your commnts. <br />
I never kow what to say! It's nice to know you care. :')

It takes strength of character to purge your experiences like that. <br />
I don't know what to say :(

No you didn't. <br />
<br />
It's just plain and simple sad.<br />
<br />
:(

You think I overdid the pity-me? :/

WOW...saddest story I've heard in awhile...<br />
<br />
:(