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I Published My Story of Torture

Torture is a difficult subject for survivors of torture to talk about.  All victims don't react in the same manner to the effects of torture.  Some victims strong willed can endure the pain to recall the torture while other traumatized victims may not recall the torture automatically.  I identify with victims of the latter.

When I suffered torture my reaction was to block it out of my mind which lead to my condition of temporary amnesia.  It is puzzling to feel pain, see my injuries, and yet have no recollection of what caused my condition.  I don't know what my reaction would have been if any witnesses were to disclose to me what they saw happened.  I may not have believed a witness due to the fact of no recollection of the torture having occurred.  My suggestion for victims with amnesia is to give yourself time to recover your memories of torture on your own.  That's how I learned of the torture I endured.

It is due to my previous traumatic history that I developed MPD/DID which causes the conditon of my amnesia whenever I suffer from the effects of torture and/or trauma.  However, my lost memories are regained through flashbacks without sequence so it does take time to comprehend my traumatic experiences.

Unfortunately, this torturous incident was a cover-up and my torturer was not held responsible for his actions leaving me feeling devastated and craving for justice.  To help myself deal with my feelings I published my true story in a book that will remain nameless on EP to protect my true identity.

I recommend to other survivors of torture to write your story as an outlet for relief from the painful memories you endured.  It was a relief for me to accomplish writing my story and it can be a relief for you too. 

dual dual 51-55 5 Responses Dec 29, 2008

Your Response


I wish I could write a book on what happened to me and I've tried many times. I usually get to a point around the third or fourth sentence where I just crumple the paper up and throw it across the room. I can't write it down in experiences and vent through poetry instead. I've kind of vomited the information into a few threads when I'm at the height of a panic attack or just have that feeling of despair, but it's never right... And as a child no one understood what being institutionalized was like; the sarcasm, the profiling, the medications/how they felt, the migraines I had from the age of 8... And the even more traumatic; Isolations, Beatings, Gaslighting, Earning the "right" to food or bathroom access, restraints, and seeing other kids slit their wrists, attack each other, and be subject to abuse, the rape, and knowing far too many aren't here today because they couldn't handle exactly what I'm going through right now. The very worst part in all of this, is that they got away with it for one, and for two, they stole our only available resource for help. I can't go to a psychiatrist, I can't try psychotherapy, I can't take medications because they all trigger the very worst of my panic attacks and flashbacks and I won't sleep for a week after just sitting with a counselor. I wish I could write this down in an elongated form, but just stating the nature of the abuses, is panic inducing. I'm afraid of writing about it because of defamation potential and I don't think people would believe me because that's been my reality. If I told anything, it was histrionics or manipulation to get out of "treatment". I've lost any sense of self and life has no meaning anymore.

I intend to do what you did and write my history, but at this stage my history is still in amnesia, I've been getting flashbacks but the body memories. I still havn't got the ocular (visual) memories. I'm starting to get her words coming back in my dreams. My torture was from my mother in my childhood. My - I call her Not Mother - is still alive but I have now cut her out of my life. My brother thinks he had it too, he's had some dreams. Have you been able to move on to a new stage in your life since writing your story?

Thank you librakitty05 and MegJgM for your comments.

Its great that you were able to express yourself freely and share your story. However painful it was also good therapy.....good for you. And stay strong!

I can not even imagine<br />
<br />
I am glad you hve found a way to help <br />
and to share that with others