I Was Tortured

What does torture mean to you??? That is a good question.  To some, it could be being tied down to a chair having nails pounded thru your hands and boiling water thrown on you.  To others, it can be something less dramatic than the stuff you see in movies.  Mine was a little bit of both.

I do not like to talk about this, as it is very upsetting.  But, I will tell you I have been tortured to the point that I welcomed death to end my misery.

Back in 1992 I was involved with an extremely abusive man.  We were engaged to be married.  He was the first man I ever loved.  I think I was so drawn to him and men in my life, as I was emotionally neglected by my Dad, growing up.

I have been tortured in various ways without escape...burnt with cigarettes, things thrown at me, strangled, beaten, beaten with high heeled shoes, knives in my privates, guns in my face, thrown down stairs, raped, smothered, and so on...

As I wrote, I do not like to talk about it.

But, one thing does stick out in my mind.  The worst form of torture for me was more mental than physical.  Bruises heal from beatings.  But, the brainwashing and damage done to my mind still exists within me and affects my life.

My ex's favorite way to torture me was to trap me into a small room.  He would make me get undressed.  He would insult me for hours on end with me begging in tears to release me and to stop talking to me.  He would tell me I was fat, disgusting, ugly, lazy, obsese, a loser, not worth loving, a ****, a *****, overweight, repulsive...among other names.  He would tell me these things over and over and over for years.  It was a daily ritual some days.

He would also beat me badly in that room and sometimes he would rape me in a horrible way.  He loved to break me.

Till this day, I am trying to undo the damage and brainwashing that he has done to my mind.  I think my eating disorder is a result of this torture.  I never felt badly about myself until this occured in my life.  I developed an eating disorder when I was with him. 

Since, it has been a continual struggle to recover my mind

and my heart.

haydenrules haydenrules
31-35, F
5 Responses Feb 11, 2009

You have and will survive,you are blessed to be able to share your thoughts and feelings..

I feel for you .

camael, thank you so much for the book idea. I will definately check it out. I know that I probably once suffered from ptsd at one point, not so sure now. What happened to me was over 15 yrs ago and it still feels literally like just last week. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get rid of this ghost that haunts me.

i am so sorry. you didn't deserve any of that.

I applaud you for your strength.