I Look Like The Girl He Loves

I felt guilty for months. funny how the tables have turned and that I just learnt he was using me all along. a little competition even 18 year old boys like to play called 'how many fishies can you catch from the sea?'. I used to listen to Decoy by Paramore singing along to it, but now I know you should be singing it to me. "You've never been so used as i'm using you, abusing you, my little decoy. dont look so blue you should've seen right through, i'm using you, my little decoy."

Break ups are never one person's fault, so I have reduced my guilt to healthier levels. I realized I never had you from the beginning but you only dated me because I was easily acquired and looked a lot like her. Then you found out my mind wandered around nonsensical things and I drew my life experiences from strange occurances...an emotional burden that your real love did not carry. Before we went out, you listened to me and helped me. But when you had me, all you wanted to do was touch me and ignored me when I was feeling down. i baked you cupcakes and you gave them to another girl, I wrote a song for you but you just wanted me to show off my skills to your friends, but the one thing that hurt most was, you cared so much about your image and i was tearing it down with my loudness and carefree ways.

And when I was too scared to even hold your hand you gave up on me without giving me a second chance.

Sometimes goodbye is the second chance. I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame me. I wasn't nervous about holding your hand as a consequence of my immaturity and intimacy issues with boys. but because I felt I never had your heart fully and I should've known from the pictures you have of her, the way she can't even talk to me, and the way you broke up with me right after dancing with her the night before. I told myself not to think anything of it, because I like her and she's a sweet girl and you two are good friends.

Your little romanticism with other girls didn't bug me because this past week, I felt so sure I could commit, and that I wasn't jealous anymore because I thought I knew you felt for me too. We shouldn't have to affirm our feelings by touching each other. I already gave in physically soo much more than I do normally - you can't compare me to other girls who hug and touch every girl and guy they know the names of. I let you hold me close. I have never been that physically close to anyone before. But you have.

I wanted a deep emotional relationship. So I bared my soul to you that night. That was the final straw and you called it quits.

Suddenly, the bridges you burnt for me, rebuilt themselves. And I find my schedule full. Boys and girls call me up and invite me to things. Everything's back to the way it was four months ago. And I have never been happier.

So hey now, go chase the girl who looks like me.
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1 Response Aug 3, 2010

Good for you. Sounds like you grew a lot.