When I Went To Jail

Everyone thinks that I’m such a grounded, stable person, but I’ve been tossed into jail 3 times.
The first time was when I drank a glass of cranberry juice after brushing my teeth and gargling with Listerine. I had a bladder infection, and I had forgotten to drink a glass of juice, so when I saw one sitting in the fridge almost completely full, I gulped it down, not realizing that it was laced with vodka. I was in a hurry, so I jumped into my car, and didn’t notice any unusual effects because I was so pumped with adrenaline.

Well, I was on the freeway and moving into the fast lane when some woman decided to cut me off and sped up so that I couldn’t get in front of her, We collided, and my car was spinning around out of control in near-rush hour traffic, I remember thinking, “Oh geez, this is it.”…But all of the flying glass was suddenly in slow motion and I watched it pass me very slowly. It was one of the coolest experiences I’d ever had.

I pulled over to the side of the road once I regained control of my car, and called 911 to have a police officer come out to investigate the wreck. The cop that showed up and said that my eyes were dilated (Of course they were dilated… I was in shock.), but he did a field sobriety test on me, which I passed and then asked me to blow into one of the alcohol meters. I kept asking him why I had to do it, so he threw the cuffs on me, called a tow truck for my car, and hauled me off to county jail. Byrd, my parrot, went to the same facility, as I was only going to be kept there for several hours.

I was summarily thrown in a cell with two other women, who were complaining because they were only in there for prostitution and not a DUI (DWI). They were pretty creepy-looking and the benches were concrete, so I was freezing cold. Fortunately, I had called a friend, who came and picked me up when my ‘release time’ had arrived and we took Byrd with us to the impound yard to get my car back. Unfortunately, it had been totaled, so I was just driven home.

Later that week, my friend and I went to the car dealership and I bought a bigger, newer version of the car that I had previously owned. All of the ‘court stuff’ followed, and while I was mortified, I thought that I had learned my lesson.

The second time I went to jail was about 7 years later. I had been at a party and got completely wasted. I tried to sleep it off for a while, but as I was driving down the boulevard, a car came darting of a burger joint, and slammed on his brakes at a yellow light, which came as a surprise to me. Even thought I had disc brakes, I couldn’t stop pin time, and rear-ended him. Once again, the cops came out and I couldn’t pass a field test if my life depended on it, so one again, I was hauled off to jail.

I must say that if you’re going to go to jail, Beverly Hills in the town to do it. That gave me a comfortable private cell with a nightgown, and a bed with clean sheets, blankets, and a comfy pillow. They let me go the next morning, and once again my friend drove me to the impound yard to get my car, which had a sight dent in the front bumper. I must say that the insurance company was a real trooper for me, and they fixed my car… which I was only allowed to drive for a couple of months until my license was suspended for a year. I haven’t been stopped for drunk driving for over 2 decades now because I don’t drive drunk anymore.

The third incident was a rather bizarre one. My second husband was drunk, and had been tossing me around like a rag doll when my daughter-in-law happened to call just to chat. She could hear my husband screaming and yelling and breaking things in the background, so she called the police in an effort to protect me. After that phone call, my husband got me down on my desk and started strangling me to death, so I reached up and scratched the h3ll out of his face with my acrylic fingernails.

The police arrived and I didn’t have any bruises to prove that I had been abused because black and blue marks take a couple of days to show up on me. So, there I was with no marks and he had scratches on his face. The bastard actually pointed at me and said, “I want her thrown in jail!”! I tried to explain that it was self-defense, but since I had no bruises, I had no proof, so I got another nice ride in the back of a squad car.

This time they threw me in a cell built for two with three other women, so I had to wait for two of them to be released before I could get a bed…. I had been sleeping on the floor with another woman for two days before I got a real bunk.
It was a truly amazing experience, and I was living in a town in which the police really ‘had it out’ for women I don’t remember why everyone was in that cell, but there was another woman who was being held for abusing her husband because she slugged him with a pipe wrench when he pulled a knife on her.

My parents came to visit me every day for the four days that I spent in that cell, and I had to speak to my father through a small slot in a wall. They were both pretty upset about it. I’d gotten used to it by then, but I was upset when my bruises showed up all over my body and I was taken into the department office to have photos taken of my arms, legs, etc. and they still didn’t let me go! In fact, the young attorney for the city never even used those photos, and I instead of being released, I was hauled before a judge, handcuffed to a street lady who kept vomiting and sh*tting in the holding cell. That was pretty gross.

Anyway, I think that the police woman who came to our house on the original call must have notified the Public Defender, because she was there to speak for me. She also showed up at my trial and had all of the charges dismissed because my daughter-in-law had taken pictures of me in a bathing suit, and the bruises were visible everywhere. I don’t even have so much as a post-it note on my record with respect to that incident.

Needless to say, I did NOT return home, but stayed with my parents until I got an apartment of my own. After the divorce, I had the police hang around while my family and I collected all of my belongings from my ex’s house. He had cleaned out our bank account, which was a lovely gesture, and even though I was working, I was still robbed of $250,000. Money comes and money goes, so that wasn’t nearly as disturbing as the fact that he had wiped me out on purpose. He was also letting his new girlfriend wear all of my clothes and lingerie.

After my divorce, I had met my current husband, who is VERY good to me, and I’ve pretty much stayed out of trouble with the law. My family has gotten over the fact the Mommie was a jail bird on three occasions, and I haven’t even gotten a parking ticket since then.

It seems to me that we often set ourselves up for accidents to happen, and for bad things to transpire as a result of our choices. One thing is for sure… I’m never going to drive when I’m over the limit again, and I’m going to be more selective about my companions!
fishsweeper fishsweeper
56-60, F
10 Responses Jan 17, 2013

My goodness! What a series of unfortunate calamities! Things must improve.......

Oh, I haven't had any disaster in quite a while now, so maybe my streak of bad luck is over now!

That's good news! I was fearing an explosion of my circle if I invited you to join :)

Jail is a trip.

it sucks :(

I find that almost karmic angle interesting, setting up our accidents and the consequences of bad choices.

Hmmm. And you pick men apart for being naughty boys. I bet there are layers and layers to you.

There are quite a few layers, actually!

I have a feeling I would thoroughly enjoy exposing your layers one by one.

Wow. I'm sorry that you had so many bumps in life. The Domestic Violence charge was a humbug and you got a bad mark for that. As a retired cop, I'd have to say that based upon what you say, they didn't do a thorough job investigating. I'm so sorry that ship shod work passed for evidence on which to make an arrest.

As far as the crashes were concerned, I can see you getting a break IF there were no accidents. The cops are hemmed in to hold the apparent responsible party to the crash. Anyway, Belleair treated you pretty decent.

Hang in there, we're all pulling for better days.

Thanks. Hopefully my only run-ins with the cops will be no more than a traffic ticked or an invitation to a Policemen's Ball!

The obvious answer here is that Policemen have no Balls! Hahaha


I'm happy that I could make you laugh. It was an old joke!

1 More Response

wow - what an awesome learning curve

Yes, I learned a LOT about what I don't want to do during that period of time. lol

I swear, Ms. Fish, I wanna party with you! I'll get us a designated driver. We'll get **** faced and wait for the fun to happen. Bring your albatross. I don't know what's going to go down, but given your magnetism, we're sure to be knee-deep in **** before the sun is up. Let's have a real YouTube kinda night, girlfriend!

Yes,but hopefully it won't be an experience in which one or both of us lands up in jail...They're not as nice as the one in Beverly Hills, you know! Depending on where we are, we could go cow-tipping or run up a big bill a an exclusive restaurant and then bake out on them without paying. We could see how far down the street we could get before they caught up with us. I think that anything that involves a get-away car would be fun!

Well, I have a passing familiararity with the non-Beverly Hills type of jail. I'll have to write about it sometime. While in college, I was my usual over-intoxicated self at a New Years Eve party. I was picked up for "drunk in public" and tossed into the drunk tank of the Seal Beach PD. It was a stark and inhospitable place. I passed out on my plywood bed beside my stainless steel toilet bowl, sans toilet seat, of course. Apparently blankets were not a budget item that year, but seeing as I was all but dead to the world, it became a moot point, anyway. Now, as for getting into a moving vehicle with you, in fact any means of mobile getaway conveiance, I think I'll pass. You've got bad juju. Let's just take our chances with backyard dogs as we jump fences. I figure we'll either getaway or get eaten, but both those options will keep us out of a night in the slammer. I don't think you want to reprise your B movie version of, "Caged Women in Heat". Although, I know you would get another great story out of it. :)

ROFLMAO. I thought that we were going to drag an innocent third party into our escapades as a designated driver, but jumping fences and dodging dogs sounds like more fun!

wow intresting story

BTW, I think it was cold blooded for his new gf to wear your clothes.
What a loser biatch she was........I wonder if it lasted ?

I don't know, but I met her when I started moving all of my things out of the house, and she was really a weirdo. Chances are that they're still together because they're saving twow other people the misery of being with them!

You have led an interesting life.

How did you come up with the moniker fishsweeper ?

Did you ever work at the Tokyo fish market or live on a fish boat in Alaska ?

Thanks.... Life has been really interesting. I wrote a story about why I'm called fishsweeper on my profile if you want to read it... But basically, I used to own a biological (aquatic) control company, and we had a boat the would shock fish and then vacuum them into a holding tank. Once they were swept into the tank, the whole thing would be taken to shore and the fish were either used for biological sampling or for removal as pests..The boat was named the Fishsweeper, and it just stuck with me!

When I have been out fishing and not caught anything I always thought that electrically shocking the water would be a good idea.......lol

They should use that idea in the northern MS river and Chicago area where the Asian carp has invaded.......the 'jumping fish'.