Ranting About Emoitons(i wrote this in july 2007 .. i had NO IDEA which group to put this in but it seems to me expressing emotions is a life skill so.. here goes)
You know, I get a lot of **** for feeling things. People wanna know, why i cant close my eyes and tap my glasses and pretend that im happy to go on no matter whats going on in my life. Why i cant just suck it up and march at normal paces.
I was raised to belive that emotion was bad- you should never be sad... and GOD FORBID you get pissed off about something. It was not acceptable to talk about what was bothering me. You were either happy- or you bore the scorn of people claiming that you are trying to get attention... That you were being a show off, deliberately thumbing your nose at the social convention. They would try and turn it around and say "but it IS okay for you to grieve somebody's death" as long as you dont take your time about it... I could never wrap my head around it. Public displays of grief seem so selfish to me. The priest will tell you not to be sad- they are in a better place, so it is selfish to wish they were still here with you. Abnormal to view a body that isnt any longer your friend, your lover, your family... creepy to touch it.... They usually dont even look right.. .
Anyways-- I was trying to illustrate a point and i talked myself in a circle-- not the first time. It took me forever to learn how to express my emotions... Years of self injury and feeling like the whole world was over every time i got overwhelmed at feeling all these things i didnt know how to deal with. Love was almost worse... because you always have to live up to some "grandiose" expectation... You cant ever ****-up or fail or the whole love deal is off.... or at least the part where they treat you with unconditional positive regard.
So when people tell me to hush up, that they dont wanna hear about my pain, or even that i am a pansy for not being able to recover... i get pissed off...It hurts me to know i can either chose to feel and learn and grow- or i can chose to be surrounded by the people that supposedly "love" me.
I am not the only person who feels this way but for some reason we all feel alone. Even when we do find that spot of sunshine, that touch of love.... it isnt really effective in making us feel alone. When people dont validate your experiences... well you quit connecting with them.... you arent real to them... so they arent real to you.... it puts you in a bubble- it puts the world out of your reach.....
feeling out of touch puts you in a mindset where you want to do anything to connect sometimes and you make stupid choices... i am also not the only person whose ever done anything that wasn't as smart as it could have been....
I'm not abnormal for opening myself up to so many feelings i've denied myself in the past.....
its abnormal to try and shut it away