Finding My Own Peace Of Mind

I too had an overbearing mother...who tried to control every single move and every thought in your head...she always thought the worst of you, like satan is whispering evil things in your ear and you might be tempted or something.. geez. Growing up I just figured she's just like a communist government or something. We're the prisoners and she's the prison warden. Then as I got older I started figuring out why she was so controlling and paranoid. It's because she's so insecure and she doesn't trust anyone to be their own person. I don't know where it started in her life. Her dad was alcoholic, her mum seemed okay to me but I don't know, she could be real psycho behind closed doors who knows. The only thing I ever hear my mom complain about her childhood about is she wasn't the favored child. So I guess she felt like she wasn't good enough. She married young and left her country. I guess she figured ppl elsewhere was better. Typical thing to think when you're a teenager. I've been guilty of this myself. People are just people anywhere you go.

So when any sign of individuality was squashed and you could barely squeak without being criticized, you just learn silence is your only shield. So I definitely grew up way too quiet. Then in high school I had to homeschool. Worst thing to do to a socially awkward introvert. I became phobic of people. I just became so isolated and I couldn't relate to ANYONE. I felt so alone. My communicating skills, already not well-developed, just became so rusty I don't think I could even speak properly. I felt like I could only communicate in brain symbols. Coz that's all I was doing back then, thinking myself to death.

With honestly zero intellectual/emotional stimulation... man I was turning into a vegetable. Thank god for books. I definitely made up my mind thru books, figuring things out. If I wasn't a reader, I definitely woulda turned out worse.

Miraculously with all the control madness going on I managed to get into university. I was really gung-ho for about a month before I figured out I was friendless and nobody would even look in my direction coz I wasn't cool. Everything went sour from there. I started getting involved with men I met online. They were the only positive attention I could get. They don't care if you're socially inept or weird so long as you don't look like an ape. They think all your eccentricies are "cute". I wasn't going to complain.

These days I'm at home and I'm content. I'm not going to work or anything. I'm better not being in a social setting where I'm all too aware where I stand socially (bottom of the ladder, never the life of the party). I have for the most part figured out all the mess in my head. All my insecurities I understand better now. And I'm much less sensitive now that I'm more normal. I feel normal. Still disconnected but I don't feel so much like a misunderstood weirdo. I'm still a weirdo but I have embraced my own self better. I'm still working on it. I get that people are people and what matters is really the foundation of your mind.... I'm working on making it strong and secure so that I can deal with external factors better. And I don't feel like I'm missing out all the time like I used to. I have a good life. And life isn't always one big party right. It's the little things that make up the big picture.
turquesa turquesa
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 21, 2011

Yea, don't feel bad. You are still making it in the real world, no matter how tough it is.