Yay Me

            yay me!!!   dear friend,       ok this is stuff ive been wanting to tell peopel for the longest time but ive never had anyone to tell this to until you so here goes ok latley ivee benn feeling like really terrible well actually all my life  ok heres my feelings i feel neglected sad unappreciated sad depressed scared insecure shy horrilbe but ne ways  heres johnny !!!hahaha sorry had to throw that in there for a funny moment lol ok im gonna start from the beggining and go from there when i was in grade two i failed and stayed back a grade well of course non of the kids liked me so this one guy shawn wiles started this rumour about me that i picked my nose and eat it  for most of my life i was bullied and picked on becuase of that none wuld talk to me i was isolated from everyone at skool practically they all told me never to come near them and if i did i got these seering looks like go die we dont like you but worse  it was awful  but it didnt top there my olny bestfreind was a mentally challenged girl she was the nicest person to me and treated me like i belonged and it felt great but everyone and the teachers would blame me for stuff if she did bad things cuz i was the only one hanging out with her  it was not a fun expirence and too top it all off my mother didnt even care all she told me was to let it go and dont let it bother you and youll be fine so i tired that for a month or two and what happens it gets worse and so bad i wanted to end my life right there i fel into depresion that noen could see cuz i had none to tak to and if i did tell someone it went back tomy mother and she got mad that i didnt go to her  the kids on my street  picked on me too theyd invite me to go play with them but all theyd do is pick on me tease me and make me run home crying i never could be part of there group they all just used me like some toy and then threw me awaywhen thy got what they needed till they needed something else  i never was liked or accept as a child by ne one i feel so out of place i did things as a child that i probably shouldnt have i cant believe i did that and it was so bad my only freinds were little children ages 5 to 8 it was terrible my mom never thought anything of it  just let it be so i guess thats why i fit in so well with little kids my neighbour up the road mandy used to let other kids play with her toys and everytime they broke somthing she would go and tell her mom i did it but i wasnt even playing with her at the time so her mom would come and yell at me and my parents about it it was so bad she called the cops on us once thank god i wasnt old enough to be charged or shed lied to the cops to get me charged  then go tell everyone and make it worse the next day this new girl amber  moved to my street she lived there over a year and was a pain inmy *** she was younger than me by so much and yet she was the one bullying me making fun of me and all kinds  one day i stood up for myself to that little ***** and got punched in the back by kayla girl in my class for telling her to shut up and well she didnt like that  my mom didnt do anything so the whole bus ride to skool i cried it hurt so bad she hit my right on my spine the principal came out and told her to knock it of but that got worse too so one day i threw a snow ball at her in the back of her hood so what does she do goes to her mom rubbing her eye with a ******* stupid wool mitten to make i red like i hiit her in the face like for **** sakes brandon tina and bradly were there they seen it al i never touched her face but yet she puts makeup on like a black eye and ******* lied to the police so id get in ****  i almost got charged that time to buther mom decided not to thank god i was secretly aming for her face lmao but shhh dont tell anyone thats our little secret but after that she moved away and never talked to me ever agian ok next my mother and how she plays into all this ok when i was a chile she never wanted to do things with me ever id ask her to spend sometime with me like mother daughter stuff but she always said no always even my dad all these kids were going on vacations to disneyland marine land and everything i aksed to go and my parents told me they couldnt afford it yet my dad was making over a thousand dollars a week  like where the **** was this money going up his *** and mystreiously disapearing hole **** it was band as a little girl ive always wanted a doll of my own ut somthing always happened to them when i did get one finally either they get destroyed thrown on to the train tracks or my couisn chris would beat them up till they were nothing but a pile of scarey looking chucky dolls it made me cry i used to ask ym dad to take me places like the park to have some fun or meet new freinds but hed always say noo to me and if we did go i only stayed for an hour  so it gave me time to make a new freind and get her phone number i hung out with that ew freind once or twice then after that she quit calling me all together  i had no freinds and when i tried to make some i couldnt seem too say the right things in our conversations so i gave up i feel into this depression phase and crawled into a little box of my own and never wanted to come out as i was getting older all my friedns were walking to skool cuz we all lived a five minute walk away  and i was neveraloud to walk there i had to take a bs like an idiot till i graduated whil a 2 ******* year old got to walk to skool alone and she lived futer than me up the hill it was ridiculous i would ask my mother to go to a freinds camp or sleep over and i cold do that she would always say mabye next time and i would never get to go  ever i wanted to go to the trussel with jesse and  zac and josh i couldnt go tina asks me to go one day with her dad for **** sakes and i couldnt go i was 15 mabye older and i wasnt alowed to go even with an adult  there i hated that and the one day i didnt come home till after dinner all muddy and dirty from being ther with jesse and jake my mother flipped and grounded me and i came home five minutes late from walking to timmies with amy just down the road and got grounded  when i was about 17 or 18 i was being told i was a lesbian so i started to believe it cuz i wasnt being told other wise or think for myself my mother always thought for me  i cired to my aunt on the phine cu i didnt know who else to go to my aunt told gave me the best advice she everhad but my mother she did **** all but tell me your born that way you dont just becoe that way overnight dumb *****  she was never there for emotional support never wanted to be there just wanted to make sure i didnt turn outlike tammy and luara its pathetic somtiems she comparse me to hem and its ****** discusting  im nothing like them and never will be damn ***** my gradmothers the reason kelsey and tina knew she was my grandma but i never believed them till laura called me that night it was sick there parents ******* knew more than i did im 20 and im just learning now my mother lied to me my grandma mom it was awful laura my real mom was told to lie to me over the years or shed never get to spend time with me or seee me ever agian vicious wasnt it  how dare my grandmother do that to she was afraid laura was gonna take me from here which never happened but should have id be better off with her than my grandma i wouldnt be so sad or mabye my life would be this way or the way i am now its horrible my grandmother caused my only couisns to move to brazil cuz her and her big mouth caused all this **** in the family and ill never seen them again whats worse is there my age and my other cousins arent there all married or getting married and dont talk to me half this family dont talk to or my mother but i dont blame them for not wanting to talk to her if i had a choice i wouldnt either but its not that easy she caused my biological mother to loose her other four kids and lied to me about that too making it all lauras fault once again none everyone knows what shes really like and hates her accpet her sister brother and few freinds she has they seem to like the way she is ahahaha thats a good one sorry made myself laugh there for a sec my aunt has been here for me all the years my mother hasnt and shes the one to get **** on and hurt thanks to my mom telling everyone what a bad person she is its horrible shes telling me who my freinds are or can and cant be shes caused all that **** with jessica and chris my ex roomates that got me kicked out and i think she might have had somthing to do with all the bullshit and sadness jess inflickded upon me  i cant have normal relationship i cant mature into an adult properly i cant be who i wanna be without her critizing me all the time  she says the most awful horrible things to me everyday of my life ******* at me like im a good for nothing freeloader in my own house telling me im lazy and i cant do anything right she choose what skool i went to made most of my decisions for me trys to tell me who my freinds can and cant be contorls me like im her puppet on strings and tells me im not trying to control you but you doo need to pick beter freinds everydy shes getting ym dad mad at me for stupid things she could do herself and does most of her bitching when my dads not around and when i snapp back she deicides im only gonna tell here dad the horrible thing she does to me not what i do to her or all the **** i stirr up and cause  im the bad one in this house not her she such an idoit i cut my wrist becuase of her drama and all the tings ive lost cause of her i lost my bestfreind matt the one that took me two years to get close too she ruined my life and i dont know what to do i feel so helpless in all of this im tired of everything she does to me i hate the way i was raised and how i was treated do you know when i was little if i didnt listen to her she hit my *** with a metal spoon then pick up that phone and pretend to call cas on me  to get me to listen  she even threatened to call the cops on me  to get me to listen to her  if she was mad at me about somthing and i walked in her room to talk to her about it shed grabb me by the ponytail real hard and drag me out of her room it was awful i cant have a normal realtionship with a guy  thanks to the way i was raised im so scared of the outside world im scared to be alone and im scared im never gonna be ready for a real realtionship and that detroyes me inside i see pictures of people on facebook with there feinds an i wish i was part of that part of the in corwd but i never was i dont have pics of me and my freinds and i wish i did i dont know how to socialize with people or how to talk in a conversation since i was alone most of my life with noone to turn to i even have imaginary freinds to make my life alittle better its weird but it takes away the lonelyness i feel inside  i wanna do everythin i possible can but i dont think ill be able to now cuz half the things i wana do im too old for  :'(  i want a bf but my maturity level just cant handle it yet and i feel like ive just quit developing all together i hate when james and emma always hangout with echother they get along so well and i just dont feel apart of that anymore like they fit togetherbut i never will  like im that peice of the puzzle that doesnt go anywhere its just meant to be  forgotten alone and neglected  i wish james didnt always get so annoyed or upset with me im trying my  best i really amm but i feel like such a  let down to everyone  my own mother cant stop pointing out my bigest mistakes to me like she never wants me to forget it or learn from it just remember it and never let it go i dont wanna **** james off eitherbut he just gets so annoyed with me and i dont know what to do he wont tell me he just gets angryer he just doesnt understand he never will unless he reads this half the stuff i doo is becuase i never got to do it as a child it was taken from me and i was robbed of my child hood i wish thigns were different i wish i could be someone everyone liked or wanted to be around someone they looked up to but who am i kidding thats never gona happen now ive been having really messed up dreams since i was a child some more disturbing than others and they never go away i wake up crying everynight wishing theyd leave me alone and stop happeneing ive never once had a happy dream just people trying to kill me one way or another and some worse than that too shes gotten so bad pver the years shes calling heer sister my aunt trying to get her to keep me under control its awful just the other day i was putting laura my real mom on my facebook as one of my mothers along side my grandma mother luaras mom and my grandmmother flipped out she tried to give her self a heart attack about it becuases shes jealous and doesnt know when to knock it off shes now controling my facebook telling me im not allowed to delete her off my freinds list and if i doshes throws this big massive fit to get my dad involved its sick i added the farmville and cafe world games on facebook but i didnt like using them so i was about to delete them of there when my mother screams at me dont you dare take them off she has those applications on her own facebook so she doesnt need to be going on my account to play them for me its annoying and i dont want her too living with her is a night mare bt if i try and move out ill never hear the end of it and it might end up being like it was when i was living with my two ex roomates jess and chris she was so horrible that time that jess literally called the cops to get me sent back home so my mtoher would stop calling her emailing her and acting syco with her it was a horrible 6 months living with them and jess got so stressed she was in the hospital more than twice it was so bad my mother is out of control and shes acting like an immature 63 year old her five kids wont even call her anymore becuase iof the drama she causes shes such an embarassment to out with she insults me infront of my friends she gets angry at cashiers for doing there job and she uses me becuase when my real moms dad and mother adopted me well took me  i became a native under my granfathers name so he was going to get one for my mom too but they got married a year to late and they passed a rule that she aant allowed to for some odd reason and ever since then she uses my dads tax exempt card or his cuz were native and shes not if i dont let her use it she freaks on me calling me a ***** and all these nasty words i have this gas card for natives too where on the reserve you get 14 cents off each litre of gas you buy so my mother uses it when im at skool to get gas and signs my name for me as forgury i dont tell her not too cuz i dont wanna listen to her and my dad both yell at me for saying no my dad doesnt wanna use his tax and gas cards on her so i have to my mothers been this way for 63 years and she doesnt want to and wont change she uses all my dads money and ******* shes got none for herself after paying bills and **** with his pention money shes got 3 diff credit cards shes using and lies to my dad that there not active and cant be used the liar my dad is 70years old and he commercial fishes becuase my mom uses his money for credit card bills and other bills too isnt that sad hes supposed to be retired but becuase of her spending out of his poention hes got no money for himself its so bad he had to get his own bank account with a diiferent back than hers and has his montly bill for that account mailed to his bestfriends house so she doesnt see it or know about it he once told my uncle ed my aunt the ones that been there for me well her husband that hes so sick of my mother arguing and picking fights with him over the stupidest things jjst last night the nieghbours called the cops on us becuase we live in a semi and right on part of our drive way is government property and its lane way where people can walk throught it to a small park in my backyard my nieghbours were parking ant the end of that lane way and my dad didnt mind till my mom ticked him off so bad he started parking there so my nieghbours wouldnt thats why the cops got called so my dad would move his truck up the drive way and noone would park there hes constanly in the kitchen shaking his head at her for how she behaves hes had enough of her but cant afford to divorce her or leave her at his age or he probably would have hes doesnt know have the things that go on when hes at the days inn hotel watching the horse races in the tvs down stairs in the little bar they have noone inthis family understand why hes still with her and letting her do this to me but he is shes so jealous if somene says they wanna do somthing fr me like help me afford a car or what not that she tells them not to saying that shell get me one but never does and lies to her freinds or family so they wont buy it for me its like she thinks there rubbing it in her face tht there doing more for me than she ever has or will shes told them shes going to put me on the insurace and that i could drive her car just to look good i went driving skool and everything to get all my licences and yet im not allowed to drive the car i cant drive her anywhere and im having such a hard time being able to afford a car its ridiculous ive been to so many councellers over the years that they all tell me the same thing your moms is only doing this becuase she careslike b.f.s  i dropped out of college with only four months left till i finised becuase she was making it difficult for me to foucus in class shes manipulating me everday when i told her i was moving out saying shell end up in the hospital which wouldnt happen i was so sick with stress that i could handle the pressures of skool anymore and i regret dropping out big time shes going to faur and i cant deal with it any longery im loosing my hair from stress i feel like the accid in my stomach is burning right through me and noone at sault colege when i was going there wanted to hangout with me or come over she was so bad if she diesnt like one of my freinds she plain out insults them and thinks shes just telling the truth its horrible i cant take it anymorei wanna be normall i wanna be ok again and i would love to be stress free but its so hard with her nattering at me everday about the same things i dont know what to do anymore and i guess this is my cry for help i just hope theres someone out there who understands whats going on and could help me  ??? i wanna be ok agian and not feel like killing myself all the time or wanna run way and die in a hole where noone can see me or even hurt me anymore im so sorry if this sounds like im complaining or whinning i dont mean for it to come out like that i just wana let me feelings ut and get this burden off my chest i hope someone can help me HELP! ME! PLEASE! 

CrayolaStorm CrayolaStorm
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 10, 2010

o my god. i am so sorry. when i get my phone you can call me and ill do anything i can to help you!