I Witnessed My Boyfriend Kill Himself

    I joined this sight about a month ago after reading a story kinda like mine that happened to this girl like a year ago. I wasn't ready to share mine then, as I'm still not sure if I am now. I recently just lost the love of my life and don't know how to live without him. The details are rather disturbing and to painful for me to discuss. So I'll just give a brief summary. Plus I'm not real sure how to use this sight and I cant type as fast as most. 

    June 30, 2010 my boyfriend shot himself in front of me. Although it was one of several suicide attempts for him, I don't think he meant to do it. Saddest thing is I could of saved him but I didn't take him serious enough. I said and did all the wrong things that morning. By the time I started to say and do the right things it was too late. Now I have to live with that Regret for the rest of my life. I really don't think he meant to pull the trigger at that exact moment. At least it didn't look like it to me, but its kinda hard to say. I was the only one in the room and everything after that gun fired happened so fast it was unreal. It scared the hell out of me to be trapped in a nightmare that i couldn't wake up from. He was playing Russian Roulette after we had argued earlier that morning. Well the first one didn't go off. He wasn't in his right frame of mind so I really don't think he thought the second one would go off either.  The hardcore drugs, sleep deprivation, and his chemical imbalance had him more paranoid and jumpier than usual. His thoughts were distorted and he was somewhat delusional. He thought The world was against him and everyone was out to get him. Including me. Bless his soul. He died not knowing the truth. Our last words to each other weren't very good ones. I didn't get to tell him how much I love him or how sorry I am for yelling at him instead of just listening to him. Nobody could even begin to understand how I feel, so i haven't even bothered to try to explain.. 
jnelly2 jnelly2
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 12, 2010

my boyfriend sht himself in front of me. we hadnt fought,,he hadnt said anything. i dont know why. ill never forget the sights teh smell and the sounds.. :((

That same as my story omg I know how u are feeling horrible all the time