We Had a Big Fight. I Don't Know If I Can Let It Go Very (long Post)

I need some advice.  Or, maybe I just need to vent.  I didn't even know which experience to post this under. This post is long, so you are being forewarned before reading.  Im frustrated, but I want to give a background so that explains the length.

 

Background:

I do wear my heart on my sleeve.  That's a fact.  And, I have a hard time letting go of past arguments or hurt.  Instead of fighting, I can only hold my ground for a minute, then I get so flustered I cry. its just who I am.

I use to be married, eleven years (you can read my story under ex spouse of a drug addict).  I have a lot of baggage and trust issues from that and so does my boyfriend of almost two years, as his ex spouse is the same.

We both have two kids each.  Hes thirty nine, Im thirty two.  He lives in his home, I live in an apartment 45 mins away.  We have had a rough road of getting to know each other (breaking down walls) and spending time together because of the lack of alone time (I dont know if thats the right word) and also the issues we both have in the past get in the way (trust issues).  But we love each other and are for the most part happy and funloving and have talked about a future together, getting a home and moving in/marriage eventualy.

We have become best friends. Both of us full time single paretns. He tells me things he needs to vent about etc, and I do the same.  We are sounding boards.  I am his first long relationship since his failed marriage 8 years ago and he is mine.  We have both casually dated others but nothing emotionally involved.  Until now.

He works as a contractor and makes fairly good money--- hes comfortable and always has extra to spend.  He rents a home for he and his kids from his family which includes all of his utilities and he has lived here most of his life even as a young person.  He, like me, has financial obligations to pay off and past debt.  This was always a sticking point that HE more that I, brought up when moving in together came into play. "We have to pay off our debt first". "We have to pay these things before we havea future" pretty much.

His Dad is not doing well.  Not to say he is going to pass away tomorrow, but his Mother always told him that when this happens, he will inherit the house from them.  So, he also has in mind that this is what he is waiting for; he wants to fix up the house and put it on the market so he can sell it and take that money to buy a bigger home and not have much of a mortgage if any.  Less financial stress, more money to play with.  Hes always talking about paying OFF debt and not putting anything more on his credit cards because he wants to get ahead.

He is a spender and I am a serious skrimper.  He is a musician and buys beautiful instruments and sells them (flips them) for what he wants online after things start to get old and he wants a new toy, he also buys accesories and clothes etc on a regular basis.  Money burns holes in his pocket.  He eats out, orders in, buys nice home theatre equipment and charges to his credit cards  etc.

He makes a lot more than I do and at this time, I have been laid off of my job since December.  Its been very financially hard for me living on UI and supporting two kids.  I dont have any extra money and stay home most of the time, we only have what we need.  Cannot afford anything but bills and even those are behind now.    

He HAS  done nice things for me and when we get breaks from the children, he takes me to a nice hotel for the weekend and we go on drives and small getaways, he will pay when I am not able to split with him (which is what we usually do, go dutch).  He also has bought nice things like jewelry items for me on major holidays and occasionaly takes me to dinner.

I love Mustangs.  The older 60's and the brand new ones, 5 speeds and GT/Shelbys/Cobras especially. They are my favorite car.  He always says to me "Mustangs are like a**holes, everybody has one" and has never expressed much of an interest in them (this becomes important later) and shrugs it off.

We usually see each other once a week for dinner and once on the weekends.  He has a history of canceling on me at the last minute, sending **emails** and saying "Im sorry, but I just need some time alone, its been a long week"  or "Sorry but I just want a kid free weekend, lets try to get together next week sometime" OR, "I dont feel good". He likes a lot of time alone and disappears on many of the weekends that his kids are with their other family. Although this had become less frequent, it has started to happen 50% of the time again.  Not just once every few months. And completely without warning that its coming... we may even have plans that get canceled.

On Valentines Day we were suppose to get together regardless of him having no kids that weekend and me having mine/no sitter.  I was going to make him a romantic dinner and have wine etc. .He sent me an email on V Day morning to tell me he was sorry but he could not get together as he had no kids, was in a bad mood and didnt want to spread it, wasnt feeling well and "quite honestly needed a kid free weekend".  Being that is was V Day I was offended, pist and hurt. But- I let it go.  I went to my sisters and we cooked and had drinks.  It was a fun distraction. 

He was irritated that I did not REPLY to him.  I felt it best after receiving his message, to breathe, step back and NOT emotionaly respond.  Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and not react; after all, he did say he was in a bad mood, so why add gas to the fire with an emoitional response?  At ten o clock that nite he "baited me" saying "WHAT!??? NOOOO Response???"  I did reply, told him "I was sorry he felt sick, that I was sad because it was valentines and I was not with him and that I wanted to leave him alone as he told me to do so and said he was in a bad mood" he then responded back with a snotty "Im sorry but Im sick ok????  What do you want me to do about it???  I just need to be kid free right now and need a break from everyone and dont want to snap at you or your kids"  <<So why are you EMAILING ME then!?>>

I get a text message the day after V Day (next day)  telling me that he is at a car lot and he is test driving a 2007 Mustang.........<baiting me to respond so he can change the subject???>  He waits for my reply.  I text back "Wow, thats a big car payment", thinking that he is setting us back another five years in paying off our debt.  He didnt repond.  Then he sends me a message that says "I know you dont like spending money, but its really nice and I need a new car whether its an SUV or this, to build up my credit since I havent ever had a car loan and my other one is twenty years old and about to die" I sent another message saying "I thought Mustangs were like a**holes, everybody has one" "I thought you were getting an SUV"   He calls me; no "Im sorry" for Valentines, nothing.   Im thinking to myself "I thought he was sick this weekend???"     I pick up.  Hes telling me all about MY CAR (remember what I said above about Mustangs), I repeat what I said about everyone having a Mustang and he says "Well, those are jelous words right there and you know it"  ..... Hes going on and on, then I think he suddenly remembered he was suppose to be sick and tells me he is feeling "woozy" and hopes the salesman will hurry up because his head is pounding. I told him I had to go.  He texts me for the rest of the day on the progress of his buying the car.  He sends me one specific message ASKING me (because he KNOWS) 'Are you mad?". He sends another "I didnt buy this car to spite you"     I didnt respond.  Yes I was mad.  I didnt even know what for!????  The whole idea of what you did this weekend, rubbing it in my face (the car) AND the valentines day blowoff?

Generally, he swings from one end of the spectrum to the next on a regular basis.  One week hes very loving and affectionate and wants me to come over for dinner with the kids during the week 2 times, is flirty and sexual and spontaneous, texts during the day and calls on break to say hi, to then, one day being completley uncommunicative and unwilling to respond to emails, loving texts, or my occasional ONCE a week phone call, and letting it go to voicemail.  He's moody to say the least and I never know what I am going to get with him. 

He tends to "stew" on issues, bottle them for weeks, if not months at a time, then explode like an atom bomb, leaving a wreakage that can take weeks to clean up.  We could be having a fun loving laughing conversation dripping with sarcasm and ,and a few days later after trying to get a response from him and not being successful, finally, I might get a message or text  that says "I didnt like what you said _______, I am really upset with you, you pushed a big button with me"  Then if I reply in defense or with my side or even try to lighten it up and make it a joke and say "I didnt know"  He will come back with "in all my past relationships people have hurt mr or tried to take advantage of me..." or something like that.  Like I am trying to mess with him and I said something specific (which he will mention) that reminded him of how his ex wife use to treat him.

He cannot communicate well in person and does most of his responding in emails or texts, which he "baits" me in his text messages if he is being emotional or is lacking sleep (especially) and use to say things like "I dont know if I can be what you need", to get an emoitional reaction from me and get me to pay attention to him, chase him and say how important he is etc.  His emails are usually very curt, dry and he admittedly does not think before writing what he says and just speaks to me like I am a male coworker who will "take it", absorb it and get over it within a few hours like most men in a workplace do. 

I am a long winded writer who tries to put time and thought into my pieces and get my point across with enough informtation to give a big picture and not "offend" the reader or person whom it may be aimed at.  He likes my writing and my poetry.  Along this same line, he is not very emotionally sharing or open.  I can write a love letter talking about his assets and how much I love him and I get a very "small" response like "Oh thanks, I wish I could write like that. Love you" 

So getting to the recent argument now that there is the history to back this story.  The money issues has gotten very casual.  We share what we make per hour, what our bills are and I always nudge him playfully for being such a spender and he laughs and jokes with me about how "you only live once, spend a little".  Its never been a problem. 

We talk openly about taxes, refunds, bills and what we are putting money toward and how we feel and make suggestions to each other about everything going on in our lives.

He recently told me that he wanted a new cell phone and was thining about switiching to my provider.  I told him about my plan and he liked it, I sent him the links etc.  He was saying he didnt want a fancy phone because he works construction and it gets dinged, dropped, dripped on and damaged too easy.  Remember, he is a spender.....

I go to his place last week for dinner.  The kids are playing and we are sitting on the bed looking at his online account for one of his music sites. I asked him about if he switched to my plan for his cell phone and he turned red and laughed and chuckled..... I started giggling and said "Uh ohhhhhh.  What did you buyyyyyy"   He pulls out an I-Phone.     I was laughing and giving him grief for buying such a fancy phone and calculating how long it would be before it got broken on the job.  He laughed too but said he loved it, it played his music and had all the features he wanted.

I said to him (as we had been joking, razzing each other and hugging all night) that I needed to tell him something about the car.  He starts laughing and says "What?" and hes hugging me on the bed.

I tell him that I was jelous about the car, but more than that, I felt like the big purchase and the phone and the shoes (he bought shoes) and clothes were putting us behind in our goal and I wanted to have us focus more on saving and live together because its been almost two years"  I said "I feel like we are never going to get there already with me not working, and all the debt already and I think we should think about our future together... and I blushed"  He chuclked and said, "Ok, let me explain the big picture"  and he told me his plan to build his credit, so he could buy a house regardless of waiting on his parents decision about the house.  Then we hugged and laughed and joked around some more.  Still teasing each other about spending and skrimping.

That night after I got home, I didnt have my usual goodnight email "thanks for coming" from him. The next day I did not get a text, call or email.  I sent him a funny message and he replied "funny".  I tried to call on his break.  It went straight to voicemail.  I sent an I love you that night.  I got "Goodnight".  On Saturday, our usual family day, I emailed him in the morning saying "Are you doing  okay today?"  He replied "fine,,,, and you".  I sent him a reply asking for any suggestions for dinner and a movie to pick up, he sends back "cant think of anything"  I had a BAAAAAAAAAAD  feeling a big storm was brewing, not to mention, I was now getting upset that he was being so casual and "short" with me with no I love you.

Later that day, I get the following message (exact message I pasted it below)

I have a problem ...   Our conversation about what, when and how I spend my money ,  I know most of the time your just kidding around .. But .... I'm done with it, I do not like it when others "think" they know a better way I should do things .. I'm set in my ways I know ... Look I don't want this to be an issue that is why I'm sending this email, I don't want any more talk or a argument on the subject .. Bottom line is I work hard for my money and I spend it how ,,,,,I ,,,,,see fit ... I do value your input on allot of levels but this one you need to back off ... I'm not trying to mean or rude but you are hitting on a sore subject with me ... I do love you and I'm sure once you read this you'll understand where I'm coming from ...

 

And the war began.  I sent his EXACT email back to him

"I'm sorry that you felt like I was "nosing" myself into your business.  I honestly thought, since we speak so openly about money all the time; what we make, get paid, bills etc, it was an open topic of discussion.  It was not to try and control you or even to fight with you.

I cannot say I am sorry for being myself, as that is just how I am and how I think and how I talk.  Yes.  I am always kidding around about spending, money is a touchy topic, so it turns into a joke.   Spending is always on my mind, as I have to be very careful on my end.  Guess I will just have to watch what I say from now on. 

As far as what I tried to jokingly bring up with you about our future.  Part of me was not kidding about that and I am glad you explained the big picture to me that night; it did help me understand.  We have been together for awhile now, almost two years, and it should be something (money) that we should be thinking about together in a lot of ways.  Desite my/our current economic sitautaion, we will at some point have to figure out how to broach this topic without butting heads.  I didn't know you were so angry about what I said/upset with me. Apparently I hit a very bad button without even realizing... you were laughing and hugging me when we talked about it. 

You were very standoffish with me for the past couple of days and I knew you were pist off about something, because I was getting nothing but one line or, even one word responses from you.  I wish you would have said this sooner as I was starting to feel like **** and not know why you werent responding very nicely to me/responding much at all...

I do love you."

And his reply to me was  a COPIED sentence from my response "Guess I will have to watch what I say now??"  then he says "Um, I think its best if we spend this weekend APART"

At this point I am SO done with all of his "time off" and avoidance of issues and "non confront" that I get into my car and drive over there.  I dont yell, we have never yelled.  Im at his door and hes sitting inside and sees me and says "WHAT!????" "I told you to leave me alone!"  I asked what was going on.... he says "I want you to leave".  I said I didnt understand why he was SO angry and how was I to know that those were buttons for him?  He yells that he has TOLD me that is how his ex wife was to him and she tried to control him etc.    I start crying because I have really no idea about whats going on.  He raises his voice and with very angry eyes says "This is ALL you.  This right here.  You do this EVERYTIME.  Everything becomes a HUGE issue.  You blow it out of proportion and I say I need a break and you take it as a break up.  Im really pist off right now and you are over analyzing this and making it into nothing.  "  I told him that his emal was pretty mean, telling me to back off.  He says "It doesnt matter what I say, you take everytihg personal"  I said, okay, give me an example.... he stammered <doesnt do well in person> "well, I cant think of anything right now but Im sure it will come to me later when I think about it"  I was crying and I said 'Well I guess I will go.  I came over here to apologize in person if I offended you.  It wasnt my intention" 

I asked if I could have a hug and he gave me one and started to calm down.  Then says "Im not breaking it off,  Im having a really bad day'  Then he tells me about his Dad coming over that morning, only getting one hour of sleep, his phone not working, having to sell some of his equipment to make his new car payment and he was just felling like crap.  He says, "since you are here, why dont you come in".  I told him no, I didnt have any of my things with me and he said "Come back later, I love you.  I want to see you ok"

Three hours later I go back.  I bought $50 worth of stuff to make a nice dinner for everyone.  He was kind of standoffish and says as he hugs me that his stomach is upset and dont make him anything.  After dinner we watch a comedy show and I had two beers.  He goes and gets ready for bed and makes a comment that "why dont you just stay up I know its too early for you to go to bed" it was 11.  I didnt mind.  We get to bed and I am the first one.  He comes in and turns out the light.  No goodnight.  No kiss.   Offended, I say "Goonight.  Love you"  He whispers, very roughly and quietly "night louve you to" can barely hear him.

Then I roll over and try to get close and he says firmly, "I am NOT in the MOOD tonight"

Sunday I had to get up to go to a funeral and got ready and left by 11.  He hugged me when I initiated during the day and said "I love you"

On my way out, he hands me two framed pictures that I had given him of British Coins and Stamps/wartime memorabilia.  I had gotten these from my old boss for my boyfriend, as I knew he would like them.  He hands them to me and says, "why dont you take these and see if you can sell them.  Its a bab memory having them here knowing what your boss did to you since you dont have a job now, dont ya think?"      Is that really why he wanted to get rid of them...... or is he getting rid of me......

Since then........... he has emailed twice.  he did not call or email that day or the following.

Am I NUTS or is he a commitment phobe????? Ever since he got that car, he sure has a lot of confidence......  I even asked him, "Are you having a midlife crisis?"   IS HE?????

I dont even know what questions to ask for advice on.........  Im lost.  What now?  If you have made it this far.  Please, respond

WhatMattersCannotBeSeen WhatMattersCannotBeSeen
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 3, 2009

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be open with each other about future stability... to me it does not sound like you are controlling him anyway, cause it's not like you're telling outright not to do things... you are trying to be more mutual in your decisions together which is not quite the same things as control... yeah, you should give him space because you need it too & if you are not being appreciated as you should be at certain times then don't put yourself through that cause you are being nice in how you are coming across about it but just let it rest for your sake... it is not fair of him to say that you should not be involved in his decision making because long term & even now that is obviously going to effect you to... maybe you both need to think about the possibility of handling your own finances for now & not sharing that responsibility... that could help you as well as him & I am a big believer that sometimes there is not enough financial space in relationships coz it can cause allot of friction, to say the least but there is nothing wrong with you wanting to be more involved it is just that he aint coming to the party... if you don't see eye to eye on it eventually then you are both wanting a different kind of relationship. You sound very kind & graceful in the way you are handling & him saying that you are being controlling or mean is wrong, there are allot of controlling women who would go ballistic at even the idea of him making these types of decisions & tell him to bugger off! So he is lucky you are so nice about it... he is being oversensitive but at the same time you both still have completely separate ideals about where you relationship is going... he needs to be more honest about that & not just say, yeah that's fine... when deep down inside he is not planning that future with you in mind... you need to open him up, what does he really see in the both of your future but also is that conflicting with his own... he can't commit & the same time not commit & there is nothing wrong with him wanting to live that way unless it affects you but he is not saying what he really wants from the future or being vague about it, he should be more frank & open because you deserve better than that, you deserve honesty because you are being to nice about it really. That's you, cool. That makes you a beautiful person but don't let him get away with it all. He needs to include you more, that's just a fact if he says he wants to commit. & if he is afraid to, you need to get that out of him... so that you know, where you stand & can make an informed decision based on that. The heart & how you feel is another story, it always complicates things... for a fact, I have had controlling women in my past & by what you wrote you certainly are not being... he has committed to that future with you in his own words, he needs to be honest or stand by that.<br />
That is your right... since he says he loves you, which I am sure he does but there are probably a few things he is afraid to say, if you can bring down his defenses and assure him it is alright to be honest then he might but at the same time you need to be where you want to be in life & that is your right & he must understand that cause you are not being unfair about it by a long shot. If he really appreciates you & wants to be with you for the rest of his life, he needs to assure you about what he sees in the future but that it is a future with you & him in mind... he must include your ideal of the future in it, since his decision and yours affects you both & if it is not a life he wants he must be honest about, for you a have been. Good luck, either way... you are a good person & you will rise above it all not matter what, just think of yourself too... it's your life as well, he should give as much thought to you as you obviously have been to his feelings... you deserve that & then some. I'm sure he really does love you & is a good man, but he has very unresolved issues when it comes to emotional maturity when compared to you, who seems very mature... that's fine that people have different personalities but in this sense it has become too large a conflict to ignore & no matter what... you can't ignore it & even he doesn't like it... he should be mature to know... you have your life to think of as well, if his affects you & you have gone way beyond half for him... it is definitely his turn.