Ongoing Battle

I'm working hard day to day, trying to keep the thoughts on a self help course.
As much as possible, when I have quiet and no one is here, I listen to Happiness cds. I enjoy Louise L. Hays.
I listen to her over and over, repeating and writing down the words and thoughts, chants and so on.
When my bf is at work and my daughter is in school and I'm doing dishes or laundry and so
on I play the self help cds to try and keep my mind from worrying and suffering with the thoughts
that bother me.
When my bf comes home or is home over the weekend and I deal with the swearing and yelling
and hurtful harsh words and attitude, my stomach sinks, my heart drops. I want to do nothing but
dwell on his hurtful words and anger and unfairness, his roll of the eyes when I speak,
or his snapping at me and so on.  I work hard, in my head to remember what I've been listening to,
what Louise or other cds have said, not to dwell on his anger, but to keep repeating "my life is full of
harmony and peace" and so on. I feel the heaviness in my stomach, the hurt, tears behind my eyes,
the pressure in my head from the stress, the feeling in my lungs, stomach and heart....but I try hard to
stay focused and "I'm calm and all is my life is good."
If we are out in a store, around people and he makes a comment, swears, gets mad and degrades me,
then it's more difficult. I feel so ashamed because those around us will hear how he is talking to me, swearing
at me and threatening me....but I work hard on taking it in stride, though I'm crushed, want to cry, feel horrible
ashamed and embarressed...and I work hard to shake it off, it's not easy. Sometimes I put my sunglasses on.
He knows I get headache and store lights bother me, so I put them on. I need to hide. I can't let all those
strangers see my eyes. I can feel inside of me what my eyes are saying and revealing and I can't hide it, so
the sunglasses work.  I work on getting mysef back together and carrying on.
So the self help cds help.  They are working as best possible to help me cope and deal with life.
I don't have an income, so I'm home a lot so I get to listen to my cds alot while he is at work.
MsBlueDreamer MsBlueDreamer
51-55, F
1 Response Nov 20, 2011

Some people don't see it, or care. They don't want to change and don't see the need to and never will. They don't want to listen to someone else. My ex was the same way. They feel they are in control and will be in control and they are right and everyone else is wrong.<br />
I'm too tired now. I've done all I can for trying to change my life. Now I'm working on the inner me. I've tried to change the outter, the surroundings and so on. It didn't work after years of struggling. So now I'm working on me, the inner me, trying to bring myself peace and heal myself inside. I don't want to go around sad, depressed and hurting inside all the time. I want to feel light, and smile ...and I'm constantly weighed down. I do have time to myself though and instead of going over and over in my mind the feelings and hurts, I've decided to work hard on treating the inside of me in a healthy way. Giving myself love and encouragement. It's a full time job and I have to constantly push away the negative thoughts and feelings and wanting to dwell on the hurts, but I know I'm doing this for myself.