October was the first time I had cut. I had done five on my knee that were just like scratches. Like they didn't bleed. But they left scabs that then turned to purple scars. And I didn't cut again until early December. By that time I was extremely depressed and just really introverted but if you saw me at school you couldn't tell. I was so good at hiding all of it. My parents didn't even know until February. Well I cut everyday until Feb 26. The Greek fest day. My parents had already found out a week or two earlier bc one of my best friends had told the guidance counselor bc she was scared for me. Greek Fest was the worst day of my life and most likely could have been the last. I was suicidal. I had a breakdown at school and told Garrison, the counselor, who called my mom and we had to sign a waiver that said I had to be on suicide watch or I had to be evaluated by a doctor. I checked out at 1:00 and my mom took me to Children's Hospital where I was evaluated and then told to stay in the UAB psych ward. That's why I wasn't at school for like two weeks. I was stuck in the ward for a week. I had to wear socks everywhere, wasn't allowed to have plastic, tape or anything sharp. Was constantly being watched to see if I ate or not. Btw I had tried to starve myself during October and November. It was awful and I was with others that scared me. Many claimed that they saw ghosts and had anger issues. One went crazy and had to be sedated and tied to the bed. At that point I was convinced that I wasn't like these people. I wasn't crazy but then I kept thinking I was. I got out Wednesday. Exactly a week later. After I got out I was sent to therapy and I had missed a show choir performance and a band competition. I still was cutting. The worst time was fifty-something, inches long, very deep cuts on my left arm. And then around march I stopped cutting. And I was clean for a month but was still depressed and I set a suicide date for May tenth but I had to go to Georgia for a lacrosse tournament and the same friend went through all my bags making sure I didn't have anyway to go through with it. I ended up cutting with this card stock paper ad they gave us at the tournament. I have been threatened by my parents that they will send me back. I would honestly rather go back then be at home. But overall I want to be dead. Nothing.
thalassinia thalassinia
18-21, F
Aug 15, 2014